The good citizens of Maggody had been shooting many a glance in our direction, but no one seemed to have the courage to order us off the lawn. After a few more minutes of milling, they responded to some mysterious signal and started through the door.
Hammet took my hand and tugged it. "Come on, Arly. The show's gonna start without us iffen we don't go inside now."
"I can't go in there," I said. "I'm dressed in dirty clothes and my hair's a disaster. I've got some business to do at the sheriffs office. Besides, this isn't exactly my idea of a good time."
"Aw, please?" he said, his face crumpling.
I was about to reiterate my reasons when a pickup truck stopped at the edge of the highway to discharge passengers. Ruby Bee Hanks and Estelle Oppers thanked Raz for the ride, climbed out of the cab, took a minute to wipe their incredibly muddy shoes on the gravel, then ambled over to our little group. All this time I gaped. And wondered if I'd finally lost my mind. If I was brain dead at last. If I'd been fed marijuana in my sleep.
"Morning, Arly," my mother said briskly. "Why, this is most amazing to see you here, not to mention the children." She jabbed Estelle with a bony elbow. "And Baby, too. Isn't it amazing, Estelle?"
She didn't look all that amazed, and neither did Estelle, who was still wiping her shoes on the grass. I, on the other hand, was merely flabbergasted.
"What are you doing here?" I demanded, perhaps sounding a bit shrill. "Why did you get out of Raz's truck? Why are your shoes and stockings muddier than Boone Creek? Aren't you a member of the Baptist church? And isn't said church down the highway a half mile or so?"
Ruby Bee shot me a smile that she probably thought was sly (I thought it hinted of dementia). "The last time I looked it was there. Now we'd better get ourselves inside. I already hear the opening hymn."
She and Estelle marched toward the church door. After a dazed moment, David Allen, Bubba, and Sissie followed. Sukie scooped up Baby and tucked him under her arm, then trailed after them, her finger still firmly planted in her mouth.
Hammet tugged on my hand. "Please?" he begged in the time-honored tradition of Oliver Twist.
"Why on earth not? After all, we're all crazy and this is some kind of bizarre dream. Why shouldn't we all go to church together like one big happy family?" I realized I was raving, but I didn't care. "Oh, look, there's Hizzoner and Mizzoner pulling up. This is just dandy. It's better than a surprise birthday party."
Hammet dragged me across the lawn and up the stairs. We went across the porch and into a foyer, entertained all the while by the voices of the congregation doing indictable things to a hymn. A few voices faltered as we continued right down the center aisle to the front pew, but no one tried to stop us. Here comes the bride, I hummed with a manic giggle.
Not that we were welcomed with benevolent smiles, mind you. The organist gave us a withering look as she reared back and took off on another stanza. In the pew behind us, Elsie McMay let out a snort of epic proportion. Kevin Buchanon's mother was sniffling into a tissue, but I didn't take that as a personal affront. Looks were dark and smiles frozen.
On one side of me the Buchanons were arranged in a rigid row, their expressions intent and their hands clutched tightly in their respective laps (except for Baby, who was relishing the last blades of grass and Sukie, who would have been lost without a finger in her mouth). I supposed we were in the front pew so we'd have the best odds when the wages were passed out.
On the other side of me Ruby Bee and Estelle stared at the pulpit. I noticed Ruby Bee had a Bible in her lap. At that moment I wouldn't have worried too much if she'd held a pea-green leprechaun instead. Past Estelle was David Allen, who seemed entranced by the dusty floor.
As the hymn died a merciful death, Brother Verber came out through a door beyond the organ. His steps were bouncy at first, but as he neared the pulpit, he caught a glimpse of his visitors and jerked to a halt. His jaw dropped and his face turned white. His sermon notes fluttered to the floor. His eyelids flapped like laundry in a tornado.
I was fully expecting him to clutch his heart and topple right on over. The congregation whispered and stirred behind us, no doubt expecting the same scenario. Just as I decided to offer him my seat, he shook himself into action and stumbled to the pulpit.
"He's not especially thrilled to see us," I whispered to Ruby Bee. I received an elbow in my ribs and an admonishment to hush up.
"Welcome, welcome, welcome this fine Sunday morning," Verber said, although his voice lacked conviction. "I see we have visitors today, and ain't that fine? It's like God is prodding his black sheep back into our flock so we can share our faith with 'em." His voice gained a measure of steadiness as he continued on in that vein. He then announced various prayer meetings and such, led a hymn, and maintained a tight smile while deacons scurried about to collect our "heartfelt generous offerings." I managed to snag Hammet's wrist before he could help himself to the proffered wages, and engaged in a whispered discussion of the intent of the bowls of money going up and down the aisles.
Then came sermon time. Brother Verber was pinked up by now, and sounding normal as he said, "Today I'm going to tell you a story that is frightful, a story of sin and loose behavior, a story with an ending that'll show you what happens when you stray from the path of righteousness. I am referring to the Second Book of the Kings, right there in Chapter nine. I am referring to Jezebel, who everybody knows was a sleazy, filthy whore, and Jehu, who saw to it that she got what she deserved. Jezebel painted her face and tried to seduce Jehu with her female wiles by making eyes at him from the upstairs window, but he was too smart for her. He just looked up at her and said to the eunuchs conveniently hovering beside her, 'Throw her down!' "
By this time Brother Verber was in fine form. Spittle spewed from his mouth, and his fist hit the podium on every third word. "Well, it was a mighty high window, and when they threw the harlot down to the street, she splattered like a ripe tomato. Then the horses trampled on her and stomped on her until there was blood everyplace. If you'd been there, you'd still be scrubbing your clothes to get out the stains." He switched to a melodramatic whisper. "And do you know what all they did next? Do you know? Why, Jehu and his men went inside just as calm as you please and they had their supper. They had their supper the very same way you have your supper in your own home, just swapping jokes and having a fine time while they ate fried chicken and mashed potatoes and corn on the cob. Did they worry about that dead whore's crumpled body out there in the middle of the street?"
He gave his audience a minute to ponder that one, then slammed his fist down. "No!" he cried, now waving the fist in the air. "They didn't worry one whit-because she was a whore! Jehu finally got to feeling sorry about the mess outside and told his men to go bury her, but they came back and said they was right sorry but all they could find was her skull, her feet, and the palms of her hands! That was all that was left of the whore!" Verber stopped to mop his forehead. Several members of the congregation muttered amens, but they didn't sound as if they knew exactly why they were doing it.
Hammet rumbled under his breath. Farther down the row Bubba. made the same noise, and Sissie didn't look all that pleased with the sermon thus far. Sukie, on the other hand, looked dumbstruck by the theatrics. Baby was asleep. I crossed my fingers and wished myself to be elsewhere, but it didn't work. It never does.
Verber sucked in a lungful and let it rip. "Now I'm going to tell you what Jehu had to say about that whore, Jezebel. He said that the dogs ate the flesh and that the corpse was dung upon the face of the field. Those were his precise words, because he knew what ought should happen to whores." He sucked in another lungful and gripped the sides of the pulpit as he leaned forward. "And we know it, too. Even in this very day and age, there are whores who are willing to corrupt good Christian soldiers of the Lord. They tempt them something awful. They encourage otherwise moral men to indulge in the sins of the flesh. These whores are about as carnal as you can get! And there is such a whore right here in Maggody. She's smack-dab in the bosom of our little community."