She sighs loudly. “Fine. It’s your vacation. If you want to go feel-up a cow who am I to stop you?”
I push her sideways, making her fall over on the bed, as I move over to the small desk that holds our toiletries. “Hush your mouth, perv. No one’s feeling-up any animals.”
“You know what they say about men and sheep…”
I look at her in the mirror. “No, I don’t.” I grab a cotton pad and search the desktop for my remover bottle.
“Sheep shagging. It happens more often than you’d think.”
My mouth drops open in horror, and I freeze my searching motions. “What? Please tell me you don’t mean what it sounds like you mean.”
She nods, acting all wise. “That’s what they say.” She shrugs. “Apparently, sheep have these big old vaginas out there, hangin' in the breeze. Some men get lonely out there and then … well, things get hairy.”
I squeeze my eyes closed to burn the image out of my brain. My stomach turns over three times. Then a fourth. I’m not sure if I’m going to barf again or just suffer indigestion for the rest of the day. Damn those blood sausages! Why did I eat them again! Maybe I should stick my finger down my throat.
Erin laughs behind me.
My eyes open and I blink my lids a bunch of times, chasing the nausea away. “That is the most disgusting bit of information you’ve ever shared with me.”
“Worse than that story I told you about that woman and the donkey …?”
I throw up my hand. “Stop right there!” I turn around and glare at her. “Do you have any idea how many nightmares I had after you told me that story? Weeks, Erin. They went on for weeks.”
“Hey, it’s a fact. You can look it up online. There’re pictures and all. I’m not making these things up, you know, I’m just educating you on the seedier members of our society.”
“Please, don’t educate me ever again. Especially when it comes to farmers and weird shit they might do.”
She wiggles her eyebrows. “So you got the hots for a farmer, eh? What’s he like?” She bounces all around the sides of the bed until she’s right behind me. She’s twelve, now, apparently.
Ignoring her, I turn back towards the mirror and go about getting my face presentable again. Thank goodness I brought lots of make-up remover. My eyeliner has somehow migrated from my eye to my chin. How did I miss that earlier? Or maybe it happened after the lawyer’s office. I’m such a mess.
“I met a guy named Donal. He’s a farmer and he was very nice. He walked me home and he was a gentleman.”
“Ohhhh, sounds … exceedingly boring, actually.”
“It wasn’t. It was very … nice.” I can’t help the blush that rises up to cover my cheeks. Thank goodness Erin is too busy checking herself out in the mirror to notice.
“So where is this farm, anyway?” She moves her bangs left and then right, shaking her head as she attempts to get the hairs to fall into the perfect position.
“I have no idea. We can just ask someone, right?”
“Probably. What’s his surname?”
“Uhhh …” I search my memory banks. “I have no idea. He’s just Donal, I guess.”
“Well, that makes it easy, doesn’t it.” She stands and knocks me on the shoulder. “Come on, then. Let’s suss him out and feel his animals up. If we time it right we can be done by lunch.”
I run a brush through my hair and then follow Erin’s banging footsteps down the stairs and out the front door. She’s already accosted a passerby and received very specific instructions to Donal's place by the time I’m opening the driver’s side door. It’s kind of freaking me out how well everyone in this place knows everyone else. I’d panic living here thinking people were stalking me or something.
Erin gets into the passenger seat, pointing out through the windshield. “Right at the end of the street, left at the statue of St. Mary, round the bend ten clicks and left again at the cairn with two blue stones. Easy peasy.”
I rev up the engine and point the car down the street. “I have no idea what you just said. Just point when we get to the next turn.”
Erin gamely acts as navigator, pointing left and right. At one point I think we’re for sure lost because there’s nothing out here but us and a single hawk, but then a pile of stone shows up and we turn down a dirt road and a large farmhouse comes into view. Donal is standing out in front of it, holding the reins of the biggest horse I’ve ever seen in my entire life. It’s a monster.
Is this real or am I dreaming? My churning stomach says I’m very much awake.
“Oy, it’s a Cob,” whispers Erin. “I used to watch the knackers ride those ponies down the middle of the road, arms a-flailing, shouting out profanities, having a ball. Made me want to kiss a knacker once, he rode so well.”
“A Cob? A knacker? Is that Irish?”
Erin throws open her door. “Hey, ho! Donal, I presume!”
I scramble to get out of the car and explain our presence here. He’s definitely going to think I’m a stalker.
Donal stands up straighter and stares at us, shielding his eyes from the sun to see us better.
My hands are shaking as I approach. Be cool, Ridlee. Be cool. Act un-stalker-like. Make eye contact but don’t stare. Don’t stare!
Following my own orders is very difficult. He has boots, jeans, and a very tight t-shirt on. He leans down and picks up a hat that was on the ground, bangs it on his thigh twice, and puts it on his head. It’s one of those Irish ones that all the old guys in town were wearing last night. On him, it looks positively dreamy.
Dreamy? Where did that word come from?
Erin throws out a hand. “Nice to meet you. We’ve come for the tour. Pet a few furry friends and whatnot.”
I reach up and grab a lock of my hair, twisting it around my finger to distract myself from running away at full speed.
The speed with which I want to escape translates into words coming out so fast they pretty much tumble from my mouth. “Hi, Donal. I’m sorry we’re kind of here without notice, but it’s Sunday and everything’s closed and we were just looking for something to do. Like pet fuzzy animals.”
“Yup. Came to pet some animals, so we did,” Erin says, her Irish accent coming on strong. “Got any wee ones, by any chance? We’re kind of partial to the wee ones.”
“Might do,” he says, staring first at her and then me. He reaches up and tugs on his hat a little. “Wasn’t expecting ye just yet, though.”
My face burns bright red. “I know.” I take Erin’s elbow and start pulling her away. “We should go. I’m sorry to put you out like this.”
“No, no, that’s fine.” He gestures up at his horse. “Big Dick was just looking forward to a little ride. Been cooped up in his paddock all week.”
Erin starts to giggle.
“Big Dick?” I say, not sure I heard him right. Are we talking dicks now? How did that happen?
“Aye.” He looks up at his horse and smiles. “Big Dick, meet Ridlee. Ridlee …,” he turns and stares at me, his eyes all soft, “meet my Big Dick.”
Erin snorts and starts laughing so hard, she bends in half. “I’m sorry … I’m sorry …” She backs away to the car. “I forgot my handbag … I’m sorry …”
I have no idea what she’s about to do until it’s done. The next thing I see is the back of our Fiat Bambino heading down the dirt road and out onto the highway, as it were.
“Where in the hell is she going?” I ask no one in particular.
Donal clears his throat. “She said something about leaving her bag behind.”
I turn to face Donal and his Big Dick. “I’m really sorry about this.” I shove my hands in my back pockets. It’s so awkward standing here like this, not even sure if he gets why Erin was laughing so hard. “I am completely and totally out of my mind right now. I never just drop in on people like this. And my friend has never abandoned me before, either.” I look once more out towards the road. The only evidence that she was there is a cloud of dwindling dust.