Sadie leant limply against the wall of the little elevator as it droned up to the sixth floor. She didn’t look at him. Benny stood close to her, watching her anxiously as he wiped his sweating hands with a handkerchief.
She was looking tired and a little irritable, he thought. Anyway, if he went about it in the right way it’d be all right.
In the early days of marriage he would come in from work, sweep her off her feet into the bedroom, leaving the supper to burn. She’d always protested, but he knew she was pleased as he was when it was over.
The elevator stopped at the sixth floor, and Sadie walked out. On the opposite passage Tootsie Mendetta had his apartment.
It always made Benny mad to think that a rich guy like Mendetta should live just across his passage, and he’d never set eyes on him. He knew he was there, but he’d never seen him. Anyway, right at this minute, he didn’t give Mendetta a thought.
He fumbled at the keyhole, making two attempts before he sank the key. His hands shook a little.
Inside the small apartment he let her take off her hat and coat, and then he sidled up behind her. He put his arms round her from behind. “I love you, honey,” he said, his voice shaking.
“Put me down!” There was a snap in her voice that jolted him. He put her down and turned her. The cold, hostile look she gave him brought him up short, just like he’d rammed his face against a brick wall.
“Say, what’s wrong? I got to thinkin’ of you in the car. I thoughtI thought maybe we could go back a couple of years.”
She said, “Think again.”
“What the hell is this?” he said, his disappointment making him suddenly mad with her.
She walked back into the sitting−room. He saw her put her hand to her eyes.
He wandered after her, feeling a suppressed rage welling up in him. He leant against the door−post. “What is it?” he asked.
She said, “You know what it is.” Her voice sounded full of tears.
“Don’t talk in riddles. If you’ve got anythin’ to beef about, why not save it? Listen, honey,” Benny said urgently, “this ain’t the time to start fightin’. Come on with me. We’ll have a good time togetherhow’s that?
You’ll feel fine”
She said, interrupting him: “Wait a minute. You’ve got a one−track mind. That floosie’s got you burnt up, and you think you can take it out of me.
’Pretty−daughter−sitting−on−father’s−knee−makes−it−hard−for−mother’ complex. Not this mother, it doesn’t.”
Benny took off his hat and threw it across the room. He was mad. “What the hell’s come over you?” he demanded, his voice rising.
Sadie went over and sat on the sofa. “I’m sick of the way you look at women. I’ve stood as much of it as I’m going to stand. Every woman who walks past you, you must look at. You’re not content with just looking.
You must tell me. All right, if you want every dame in the street, go and have her, but I shan’t be around.”
Benny rubbed his nose. “So that’s it, is it?” he said, suddenly very quiet. “You’re jealous, that’s what you are. Listen, I haven’t put my hands on one single dame since I married you. Why shouldn’t I look at ’em?
What’s the harm in it, anyway? I’m not doin’ anythin’ wrong, just looking, am I?”
“That’s the way you look at it. I can’t do a thing about it. So I’ve got to walk along the street with you and watch you gape at every girl for the rest of my life, have I?”
Benny sat in a chair opposite her. With a great effort he tried to control his patience. In a patronizing tone he said: “Now, don’t be screwy, honey. This is just crazy talk. You’re feeling low. Tomorrow, we’ll laugh about this. Get all these ideas out of your head and you’ll have everything.”
“No, I won’t.”
“You’ll have everything.”
“No, I won’t.”
“Now, don’t go on like that. I said you’ll have everything, and I mean you’ll have everything.”
Sadie sat up stiffly. “Shall I tell you what? When I said I won’t, I mean I shan’t have what I want. I’ll have what you give me.”
Benny felt the blood mounting to his face. “Okay, if that’s the way you feel. You’ll have what I give youso what?”
“Nothing. It’s going on the same way as it’s been going on for the last six months. Do you know what that is?”
“All right. You tell me.”
“I’ll be here cooking your food every damn day of the week. I’ll be washing out your clothes when they want washing out, which is mighty often. We’ll be living in this great apartment, without any servant, so that you can impress your friends. We’ll be wondering every day how we are going to meet all the bills. I’ll be getting into bed with you and waiting to see if you’re too drunk, or if you’re too tired. Then I’ll be lying awake half the night wondering if anything’s gone wrong while you’re sleeping. Then I’ll be so woke up that I shan’t ever get to sleep until it’s time to get your food again. That’s what.”
Benny said between his teeth, “Would you do something for me? Somethin’ for me right now?”
Sadie looked at him. “Go on,” she said.
“Will you shut up? Will you shut up before you say something that nothin’ you’ll ever say after can make any difference?”
She shook her head. “No,” she said, “I guess not. I guess I’m finished with that stuff. I’m going on talking until I’ve said my piece. I’ve waited long enough.”
Benny reached for a cigarette. He lit it, noting that his hands shook a little.
Sadie hugged her knees, looking over the top of them at him.
There was a long pause, then she went on: “I’ve kidded myself until I just can’t kid myself any longer. I thought you were a great guy, Benny, honest I did. I thought the world of you. It’s not your fault, it’s just that I’ve been kidding myself. You’re not a great guy. You’ll never be a great guy. You’ve got something that’s stopping you. You want things. You work hard for them, and then you throw them away. You haven’t got any feeling for something you’ve won, only for something you’re winning. You got me. I know you didn’t have to work hard. I met you halfway. I wanted you too. But I wanted you in a way that you didn’t understand. I wanted you to keep. I wanted you in the morning as well as at night. I wanted to go places with you. I wanted you to eat with, to talk with, and to laugh with; but not you, Benny. You didn’t want that.”
Benny said between his teeth, “I think you’d better stop.”
But she went on, as if he hadn’t spoken. “Do you think it’s fun for me to hear all about the other dames?
Don’t I keep myself nice? At first, it hurt. Then I got thinking, wondering why I couldn’t hold you. I looked at myself. I gave you everything I had. I even did things you wanted me to because I thought you’d be satisfied, but you weren’t. When you wanted me, I got to wondering if you were using me and thinking of some other woman you’d seen in the street on the way home. All women are alike in the dark, aren’t they, Benny? Well, I’m sick of it. I’m not doing it any more. Go out and have them, Benny, go out and have them.”
Benny said, “Have you finished?”
She shrugged. “Don’t get mad. It doesn’t do any good. Let’s face it. One day you’ll want to make a move.
One day when I’m not nice any more. Then you’ll make a move. You won’t just look and talk, you’ll sneak off and do things. I’m not waiting for that, Benny. I want the break to come now, not when I can’t fight it.”