“It’s a shame,” Max said, looking back, as he and 99 made their way toward the gate. “They were all so happy before, singing and dancing.”
“Well, it probably got to be too much like work, Max,” 99 said.
“Then what are they fighting about?”
“They wouldn’t be human if they didn’t fight, Max.”
“I suppose that explains it.”
They reached the gate. And as they passed through they heard the voice of the host in the background, shouting in violent rage.
“Okay! You asked for it! This is your last chance! Cut out the foolishness! Or, oh, baby-such a lightning bolt!”
Hassan was waiting for them. “How’re things in Caliphphornia?” he asked.
“About the same,” Max replied. “Shall we go?”
9
Max took the lead and they pushed on into the jungle. But after they had been traveling for about a half-hour, he called them to a halt.
“What is it, Max?” 99 said.
“I think before we go any further, there’s something I ought to mention,” Max said. “I haven’t the vaguest idea where I’m leading us.”
“I know exactly where you’re taking us,” Hassan said. “After all, that’s my job. I’m the guide.”
“Good,” Max said. “Where are we headed?”
“In the wrong direction.”
“You could have said something, you know,” Max said.
“Not me. I know when to keep my mouth shut. What are you paying me for? To guide? Or to run off at the chops? To guide, that’s what you’re paying me for. If you’d wanted a blabbermouth, you’d’ve hired a blabbermouth-right? I know my duty. To guide, that’s what I’m here for. You won’t catch me boring you with a lot of jabber-jabber-jabber about which way to go. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this: a guide should be seen, not heard. A guide should be out in front, leading the pack, showing the way. What good is a guide who lags behind, making snide remarks and causing dissension in the ranks? Why, a guide like that is a traitor to his craft. That’s why I didn’t say anything.”
“Just one little question, Hassan,” Max said. “If you’re supposed to be out front, leading the pack, showing the way, why aren’t you?”
“Because the pack is going in the wrong direction,” Hassan replied. “That puts me in the rear. But if the pack would turn around, I’d be in the lead-right?”
“He’s right about that, Max,” 99 said.
“All right-about face!” Max commanded.
They all turned and faced in the opposite direction. The move placed Hassan in the lead. Once more, the party set out.
After a while, Max said, “Hassan, I don’t want to be a trouble-maker, but how do you know that, now, we’re going in the right direction?”
“Simple logic,” Hassan replied. “Before, we were going in the wrong direction-correct?”
“Yes.”
“And we did an about-face, turning us in the opposite direction-correct? And what is the opposite direction of the wrong direction?”
“The right direction.”
“Brilliant,” Hassan said. “You could be a guide yourself.”
“Max. .” 99 said, sniffing the air, “. . do you smell something?”
“Hassan,” Max said, “you better move back here to the rear.”
“No, Max,” 99 said. “This is. . isn’t it. . yes, it is, it’s the same odor we smelled when we were back in that cannibal village.”
They halted, and Max and Hassan turned their noses into the wind.
“99, you’re right!” Max said, making a face. “It’s the terrible odor! We’ve picked up Dr. Livingstrom’s trail again! Hassan-full speed ahead!”
“Do you want some advice?” Hassan said, hesitating.
“No, Hassan. A guide should be seen, not heard.”
“Maybe we better listen, Max,” 99 said.
“All right, Hassan. What’s the advice?”
“You better change that command to: full speed to the rear,” Hassan said. “Do you hear that rumble?”
Max and 99 listened, and heard a noise in the distance that sounded something like thunder.
“Hassan, is there, by any chance, a bowling alley anywhere near here?” Max said.
“The nearest bowling alley is in Provo, Utah,” Hassan replied. “That’s the animals you hear.”
“Hassan, I am willing to believe that animals can be taught to bowl. But I refuse to believe that they’re so fond of the game that they’d travel all the way to Provo, Utah, to-”
“Max, he means the animals are stampeding!” 99 said. “That’s the sound we hear! They’ve smelled the odor and they’re fleeing from it in panic!”
“Oh. That’s very interesting.” He turned to Hassan. “Do you think we’ll be able to see it?”
“I’m positive,” Hassan said. “All we’ll have to do is look up. We’re right in the animals’ path.”
“Let me get this straight,” Max said. “What you’re saying is that if we remain here we’ll be trampled by the stampeding animals-is that right?”
“It’s not right-I’m too flat to die-but it happens to be the way the ball is bouncing right at this moment,” Hassan replied.
“Max! That sound is getting closer,” 99 said fearfully.
“I know, 99. I’m not deaf. I’m also aware of the fact that we’re in great danger. And, I think that the longer we stay here the greater the danger becomes. But I don’t want to make a decision without first hearing what Hassan has to say on the matter. Remember what happened the last time? When I plunged ahead without getting his advice? I led us in the wrong direction.”
“Max!” 99 shouted, “I can’t hear you over the sound of the thundering hoofs!”
“What I’m saying, 99!” Max shouted back, “is that I don’t want to make a mistake! If it were entirely up to me, I’d say that we ought to run! But, Hassan-”
“Max,” 99 screamed. “Hassan isn’t here!”
“Isn’t here? Oh, yes. . I see. There he is, running through the jungle! Well, 99, that gives me a pretty good idea what his advice would be. So-”
“Max! Run!”
Max and 99 plunged into the jungle, following Hassan, fleeing the sound of the stampeding animals.
“Max, we’ll never find a place to hide,” 99 said. “The animals are everywhere!”
“99, in a case like this, you have to depend on the quick thinking of your guide. That’s what guides are best at, protecting you in instances of dire emergency.” He called to Hassan. “Do you have a place in mind for us to hide!”
“The perfect spot!” Hassan yelled back. “A bowling alley in Provo, Utah. It’s never had an animal stampede!”
“That’s quick thinking, all right,” Max said. “But isn’t Provo, Utah, a bit far from here?”
“You’re trying to lead again,” Hassan said admonishingly.
“Sorry about that.”
“Max. . up ahead. . look!” 99 said. “There’s Paradise again. Maybe we can hide in there!”
“99, that’s only an illusion.”
“I know, Max. But it’s closer than Provo, Utah. So couldn’t we take advantage of it, anyway?”
“I’ll ask Hassan,” Max replied. “Hassan-” he called.
“Don’t bother me with questions!” Hassan yelled. “Quick-into the illusion. It’s a short-cut to Provo, Utah.”
The three dashed through the gate. Ahead, they could hear the sounds of battle; the protesters, the anti-protesters and the anti-anti-protesters apparently were still fighting. A moment later they reached the scene of the fray.
The host was shaking both fists at the inhabitants, who were busily engaged in dropping each other with karate chops.
“Okay, this is it!” the host raged. “I’ve been kidding before, but this is really it! I’m warning you! Stop the foolishness! Do you hear me? You’re really going to get it! Honest Injun! You really are! Such a lightning bolt! You’re really going to get it!”
Max, 99 and Hassan tried to push their way through the battling inhabitants. But they were mistaken for protesters and dropped with karate chops.
“Max, the stampede is getting closer!” 99 wailed. “We’ll be trampled!”