Mission: Earth "Disaster"
L. Ron Hubbard
This work is the worst sort of sensationalism and any potential reader has much better things to do. There are no such court documents as claimed in this book. There are no such computer readouts. There are no such ruins.
There is no planet Earth.
And that's that!
Lord Invay
Royal Historian
Chairman, Board of Censors
Royal Palace
Voltar Confederacy
By Order of
His Imperial Majesty Wully the Wise
Lord Invay is getting out of hand.
First they give me this thing to translate and then they have him running around telling people not to read it. I can't figure it out.
As long as I have your attention, I'm 54 Charlee Nine and I am fulfilling my obligation by informing you that this work has been translated from Voltarian into your language, which, by the way, doesn't exist. Pretty clever. I have used "black hole" in this work, although I wish your language had a better term. It is slightly inaccurate as an astronomical phrase. It is more accurate as a description of your current Earth science, which is so convoluted that it is incapable of releasing any light. But since Earth scientists don't believe in hyperluminary (faster than light) phenomena, they can't understand the concept of imploded light, which is at the other end of the spectrum. So what you are about to read about black holes is accurate, despite what you've heard. They do come in very different sizes, and the small ones can be captured and used. As a final note, I never had a chance to meet Corky, who appears in this book, but he sounds like someone who had his circuits together.
With that, I give you your key to this volume.
Sincerely,
54 Charlee Nine
Robotbrain in the
Translatophone
Absorbo-coat—Coating that absorbs light waves, making the object virtually invisible or undetectable. It is usually applied to spacecraft.
Activator-receiver—See Bugging Gear.
Ahmed—Taxi driver for Gris in Afyon and an Apparatus agent.
Afyon—City in Turkey where the Apparatus has a secret mountain base.
Antimanco—A race exiled long ago from the planet Manco for ritual murders. Several of them were assigned by Hisst to work for Gris. (See Control Star.)
Apparatus, Coordinated Information—The secret police of Voltar, headed by Hisst and manned by criminals. Their symbol is an inverted paddle which, because it looks like a bottle, earned its members the name "drunks."
Assassin IMlots—Used to kill any Apparatus personnel who try to flee a battle.
Bang-Bang—An ex-marine demolitions expert and member of the Babe Corleone mob.
Grafferty, "Bulldog"—A crooked New York City police inspector.
Grand Council—The governing body of Voltar which ordered a mission to keep Earth from destroying itself so it could be conquered on schedule per the Invasion Timetable.
Gris, Soltan—Apparatus officer placed in charge of Blito-P3 (Earth) section and an enemy of Jettero Heller.
Heller, Hightee – The most beautiful and popular entertainer in Voltar. She is also Jettero's sister.
Heller, Jettero – Combat engineer and Royal officer of the Fleet, sent with Gris on Mission Earth where he is operating under the name of Jerome Terrance Wister.
Hisst, Lombar – Head of the Apparatus; his plan to overthrow the Voltar Confederacy required sending Gris to sabotage Jettero Heller's mission.
Hot Jolt – A popular Voltarian drink.
Inkswitch – Phony name used by Gris when in the U.S. tending to be a federal official.
Invasion Timetable – A schedule of galactic conquest; the plans and budget of every section of Voltar must adhere to it. Bequeathed by Voltar's ancestors hundreds of thousands of years ago, it is inviolate and sacred and the guiding dogma of the Confederacy.
Joy – See Krak.
Karagoz – Old Turkish peasant, head of Gris' house in Afyon, Turkey. Husband of Melahat.
Krak, Countess – Condemned murderess, prisoner of Spiteos and sweetheart of Jettero Heller. On Earth, she is known as Heavenly Joy Krackle or "Miss Joy."
Knife Section—Section of the Apparatus named after its favorite weapon.
Madison, J. Walter—Fired from F.F.B.O. when his style of public relations caused the president of Patagonia to commit suicide, he was rehired by Bury to immortalize Jettero Heller in the media. He is also known as "J. Warbler Madman."
Manco—Home planet of Jettero Heller and Krak.
Manco Devil—Mythological spirit native to Manco.
Maysabongo—Jettero Heller was made a representative of this small African nation. Izzy Epstein made some of Heller's businesses Maysabongo corporations.
Melahat—Gris' s Turkish housekeeper in Afyon. Wife of Karagoz. Mister Calico—A calico cat that was trained by Krak.
Mortiiy, Prince—Leader of a rebel group on the planet Calabar.
Musef—A Turkish wrestling champ, working as a houseguard for Gris.
Narcotici, Faustino "The Noose"—Head of a Mafia family that is the outlet for drugs from I. G. Barben and seeks to take over the territory of the Corleone family.
Octopus Oil—Rockecenter company that controls the world's petroleum.
Pinch, Miss—Lesbian-sadist ex-Rockecenter employee who blackmailed Gris with a bigamous marriage and with trick photos of Gris with Teenie.
Raht—An Apparatus agent on Earth who was assigned by Hisst to help Gris sabotage Jettero Heller's mission; his partner Terb was murdered.
Rockecenter, Delbert John—Native of Earth who controls the planet's fuel, finance, governments and drugs.
Simmons, Miss—An antinuclear fanatic.
Snelz—Platoon commander at Spiteos who befriended Heller and Krak when they were prisoners there.
Spi—When Gris was made a Rockecenter family spy, his chest was tattooed by Miss Peace, Rockecenter's secretary, who could not spell. Gris thought "spi" was a special Rockecenter spelling and thus "spi" is the spelling Gris uses.
Spiteos—On Voltar, the secret fortress prison of the Apparatus.
Stabb, Captain—Leader of the Antimancos at the Afyon base.
Sultan Bey—The Turkish name Gris assumes in Afyon, Turkey.
Swindle and Crouch—Law firm representing Rockecenter.
Terb—Murdered partner of Raht.
Teenie—Teenager who kept seducing Gris.
Ters—Turkish driver for Gris.
Time-sight—Voltarian navigational aid used on faster-than-light ships to spot obstructions in the future and thus change the present course to avoid them.
Torgut—A Turkish wrestling champ, working as a houseguard for Gris.
Twoey—Nickname given to Delbert John Rockecenter II.
Twiddle, Senator—United States congressman and supporter of Rockecenter.
Utanc—A belly dancer that Gris bought to be his concubine slave.
Viewer—See Bugging Gear.
Voltar—Home planet and seat of the 110-world confederacy that was established over 125,000 years ago. Voltar is ruled by the Emperor through the Grand Council in accordance with the Invasion Timetable.
Will-be Was—The feared time drive that allowed Heller to cover the 22 1/2-light-year distance between Earth and Voltar in a little over three days.
Wister, Jerome Terrance—Name that Jettero Heller is using on Earth.
To My Lord Turn, Justiciary of the Royal Courts and Prison,
Government City, Planet Voltar, Voltar Confederacy
Your Lordship, Sir!
I, Soltan Gris, Grade XI General Services Officer, former Secondary Executive of the Coordinated Information Apparatus, Voltar Confederacy (All Hail His Royal Majesty Cling the Lofty and All of His Empire), am now forwarding the eighth and final part of my confession.
I will now be able to relate how it was that I came to be in your fine prison. Your Lordship may have been shocked to learn that Fleet Officer Jettero Heller was killed at that roadhouse in Connecticut. Yes, I ordered Agent Raht to kill him, but it was still Heller's fault. After all, he was the one who bought that desolated roadhouse where the Mafia once smuggled illegal liquor, who had befriended the old blind woman and who had posed as a "whitey engineer" for the Maysabongo delegation. He was the one who had hired those two deputy sheriffs and made them "Maysabongo marines."