Mission: Earth "The Enemy Within"
L.Ron Hubbard
The Crown refuses to take any responsibility for the effects that this highly fictional account may have on anyone who is gullible enough to believe that the planet "Earth" exists or that any of the ridiculous actions occurring thereon have anything to do with accepted fact.
The pretentious attempt to weave the names of a few actual figures, such as Jettero Heller, into a completely fabricated invention to give it the appearance of credibility is the worst form of dramatic license. That it also claims to be the "prison confession" of an admitted assassin whose entire life was devoted to lying, stealing, blackmail and every other form of criminal mayhem should itself be sufficient warning.
Therefore, anyone undertaking even a cursory reading of this collusory yarn does so at his own risk.
The so-called planet "Earth" does NOT exist and NO one can produce ANY evidence to claim otherwise.
Lord Invay
Royal Historian
Chairman, Board of Censors
Royal Palace, Voltar Confederacy
By Order of
His Imperial Majesty
Wully the Wise
Hi again!
As long as the Royal Publishing Code (Section 8) requires that any translated work "be so identified... by the licensed translatophone," I shall do so.
This work has been translated from Voltarian into your Earth language by yours truly, 54 Charlee Nine, your dues-paying Robotbrain in the Translatophone.
How I translated it for a nonexistent world speaking nonexistent languages is no real feat. I also interpret political speeches. And you may consider this boasting, but I can also translate judicial opinions.
So you see, I'm not required to correct fallacies and misconceptions. I just translate. It's when I run into vocabulary problems as I did in the last volume with hyperluminary (faster than light) phenomena that I am obligated to bring it up.
I have another such instance in this volume: electrons.
Earth scientists like things that go round and round, such as rats, wheels and politicians. So they think electrons are little "things" that whirl around other "things" called atoms.
Don't tell anybody, but they're wrong.
At some later point, they will find out that electrons aren't anything but motion. That's all. Nothing else. Just motion. The problem is that few know what motion is. If they did, they'd crack the "Einstein barrier" and come up with some solutions for a change.
So when you read in this volume how a machine "shifts electrons," just remember that it is another example of Earthbound, Neanderthal science.
As before, I am providing a Key to this volume. Don't let it be said Robotbrains don't help.
Sincerely,
54 Charlee Nine
Robotbrain in the Translatophone
Absorbo-coat—Coating that absorbs light waves, making the object virtually invisible or undetectable.
Afyon—City in Turkey where the Apparatus has a secret base. (See map.)
Antimanco—A race exiled long ago from the planet Manco for ritual murders.
Apparatus, Coordinated Information—The secret police of Voltar, headed by Lombar Hisst and manned by criminals.
Atalanta—Province on planet Manco settled by Prince Caucalsia who, per Folk Legend 894M, started a colony on BIito-P3 (Earth).
Babe Corleone—The six-foot-six leader of the Corleone mob, widow of "Holy Joe."
Barben, I. G.—Pharmaceutical company controlled by Delbert John Rockecenter.
Bawtch—Soltan Gris' chief clerk for Section 451 on Voltar.
Bildirjin, Nurse—Turkish teen-age girl hired by Prahd Bittlestiffender to assist him.
Bittlestiffender, Prahd—Voltar cellologist found by Soltan Gris, who implanted Jettero Heller with transmitters so Gris could monitor Heller's sight and hearing.
Blito—A yellow dwarf star with but one inhabitable planet in the third orbit (Blito-P3). It is about 22 1/2 light-years from Voltar.
Blito-P3—Planet known locally as "Earth." It is on the Invasion Timetable as a future way-stop on Voltar's route toward the center of this galaxy.
Blixo—Apparatus freighter that makes regular runs between Blito-P3 and Voltar. The voyage takes about six weeks each way.
Blueflash—A bright, blue flash of light used by Voltar ships to render anyone in the vicinity unconscious before landing. Also known as stunlight.
Bolz—Captain of the Blixo.
Bugging Gear—Electronic eavesdropping devices that Soltan Gris had implanted in Jettero Heller. Gris uses a video unit to monitor everything Heller sees or hears. The signals are picked up by the receiver and decoder that Gris carries. When Heller is more than 200 miles from Gris, the 831 Relayer is turned on to boost the signal. Gris stole them from Spurk.
Buhlshot—Chairman of the Board at F.F.B.O.
Bury—Delbert John Rockecenter's most powerful attorney, member of the firm Swindle and Crouch.
Caucalsia, Prince—According to Folk Legend 894M, he fled Manco during the Great Rebellion and set up a colony on Blito-P3. Also, the name given to Tug One.
Cellology—Voltarian medical science that can repair the body through the cellular generation of tissues, including entire body parts.
Code Break—Violation of Space Code a-36-544 M which prohibits alerting others that one is an alien. If this occurs, those alerted are destroyed and the violator is put to death.
Coordinated Information Apparatus—See Apparatus.
Corleone—A Mafia family now headed by Babe Corleone, a former Roxy chorus girl and widow of "Holy Joe."
Crobe, Doctor—Apparatus doctor and cellologist who examined Jettero Heller for his mission. He delights in making freaks.
Decoder—See Bugging Gear.
Empire University—Where Jettero Heller is taking classes in New York City.
Endow, Lord—Voltarian Lord of the Exterior, member of the Grand Council and Lombar Hisst's superior in the Voltarian government. Soltan Gris has placed Too-Too in his office to act as a spy.
Epstein, Izzy—Student at Empire University whom Jettero Heller hires to set up a corporate structure.
Exterior Division—That part of the Voltar government that reportedly contained the Apparatus.
Faht Bey—Turkish name of the commander of the secret Apparatus base in Afyon, Turkey.
F.F.B.O.—Fatten, Farten, Burstein and Ooze, the largest advertising firm in the world.
Flagrant, J. P.—A Vice President at F.F.B.O.
Fleet—The elite space fighting arm of Voltar to which Jettero Heller belongs and which the Apparatus despises.
Folk Legend 894M-The legend of how Prince Caucalsia fled Atalanta, Manco, to Blito-P3 where he set up a colony called "Atlantis."
Gracious Palms—The elegant whorehouse operated by the Corleone family across from the United Nations.
Grafferty, "Bulldog"—New York City police inspector on Faustino Narcotici's payroll.
Grand Council—The governing body of Voltar which ordered a mission to keep Blito-P3 from destroying itself so the Invasion Timetable could be maintained.
Gris, Soltan—Apparatus officer in charge of Blito-P3 (Earth) Section 451 and an enemy of Jettero Heller.
Heller, Jettero—Combat engineer and Royal officer of the Fleet, sent by Grand Council order to Blito-P3.
Hisst, Lombar—Head of the Coordinated Information Apparatus who, to keep the Grand Council from discovering his plan, sent Soltan Gris to sabotage Jettero Heller's mission.
"Holy Joe" Corleone—Head of the Corleone family until murdered. He did not believe in pushing drugs, hence his name.
Hot Jolt—A popular Voltarian drink.
Hypnohelmet—Device placed over the head and used to induce a hypnotic state.
Inkswitch—Name used by Soltan Gris when pretending to be a U.S. federal officer.
Invasion Timetable—A schedule of galactic conquest. The plans and budget of every section of Voltar's government must adhere to it. Bequeathed by Voltar's ancestors hundreds of thousands of years ago, it is inviolate and sacred and the guiding dogma of the Confederacy.