Jeff was in half a mind to ask her to stay with him. Walking into the next room required the same kind of courage as telling the doctor to get on with a surgical procedure.
Despite the clean-up operation, the pictures on the wall hadn’t changed. Jeff smiled at the warrior maidens in their brass bikinis; he even remembered one of them, a model he’d managed to meet, thanks to the cover artist. That must have been fifty years ago. What must she look like now?
Tim was lying on one of the patio’s sunloungers, wearing just a pair of navy blue shorts. His body was dappled by tiny sunbeams that had broken through the shade of the neatly trimmed remnants of wisteria. The lighting made the marquetry patches of artificial skin very prominent, a strange gray-white color against the boy’s natural skin. His crutches were propped up beside him.
“Hello, son.”
“Dad.” Tim pushed his PCglasses up onto his forehead.
Jeff sat down on the edge of the sunlounger opposite, almost toppling it over. “Shit.” He sat back properly. “Great start.”
“You’re very brown. Didn’t you wear sunblock in Antigua?”
“Yes, I put sunblock on. How are you?” He indicated the medical coverings.
“Not so bad. They itch a bit. Most of them will be off in another couple of days.”
“You need to learn to steer better.”
“Yeah. I’m sorry about the Jet Ski.”
“Don’t even bother thinking about it. All I care is that you’re on the mend. I never used the stupid thing anyway. In any case, it’s me who’s in the wrong. We both know that.”
Just when he finally thought he was coming to terms with it all, Tim could feel the tears welling up behind his eyes. It was difficult to make his throat work properly; the muscles seemed to be tightening up. “She was my girlfriend, Dad.”
“Oh shit. I don’t know what to say, son. Sorry is so pathetic.”
“You knew I loved her. You knew that.”
“We were really trying to stop you from finding out. We’d have kept it quiet until you’d got over her. You know there’s no way I wanted you to be hurt like this. You do know that, don’t you?”
The amount of desperation in his father’s voice was making Tim squirm inside. But he was resolved not to give in, not to take the easy route. That was being adult, and true to himself. “Dad, there’s a big difference between me not knowing and the two of you getting involved. Trying to spare my feelings doesn’t cut it, you know.”
“Yeah.” The time Jeff had spent on Antigua was shrinking to a wistful memory now. He was worried that Tim would ask him to do something to prove his contrition, which was a selfish thought. He almost wished there really was some act of penance to perform that would close this down. “Um, look, do you want to go and see a shrink about all this? I’ll come with you.”
“Oh thanks, Dad,” Tim snorted. “Now I’m a nut case on top of everything else.”
“No you’re not. I just wondered if that would help you come to terms with what’s happened.”
“Ah, that’s what this is about. I’ve got to be the one who adjusts. It’s me who has to accept this with a smile.”
“You think I can go through life knowing my son hates me?”
“Then you shouldn’t have done it, should you.”
Jeff was badly tempted. All it would take was one sentence. It wasn’t just me, you’ve no idea what Annabelle is really like. He was still incredulous that she’d had lesbian sex in order to please him; and so eagerly, too. He’d never known ecstasy like those five days; it was narcotic. But that was the one thing he couldn’t say; Tim would reject him completely. He could still remember the feeling of hopelessness permeating his life before he met Sue, believing despite memory crystals and the accolades he’d earned that he’d wasted his life. The day Tim had been born was the happiest he’d ever known. It was a strange way to learn that as a parent his love was truly unconditional and everlasting. “I never deserved a son like you,” he said forlornly. “Just promise me you won’t screw up like me.”
“Why did you screw up, Dad? You keep saying how much I meant to you. How much you love me. Why? If all that’s true, why did you do it?”
“Because I’m stupid. Because I made a mistake. Because my dick was doing all my thinking just like when I married Tracy. I knew all along I shouldn’t be doing it. I just couldn’t stop. Tim, I don’t know how old I am. You just can’t know what that’s like. I’ve got this mind that maps out everything sensible and rational, while my body is saying to hell with it; do what you want to and do it now because that’s what you are, and you’ll never get another chance. Except this is my second chance. Jesus, everything is so fucked up.”
“If you put it like that, maybe a shrink’s not such a bad idea after all.”
Jeff grinned bleakly. “I hate those bastards. They’re so smug.”
“I didn’t really want to go to one.”
They looked at each other. Before today, Jeff knew, they would have shared an identical smile. Now Tim was just studying him, looking for any glimpse of the man from before the rejuvenation treatment. The decent man, who really wouldn’t have done this to his son.
“Is she…” Tim turned away, looking out across the water. “Is she at the manor?”
“Annabelle has moved in with me, yes.”
“Thought so. Do you love her?”
“Yes, Tim.”
“Yeah. You’d have to, really. It would have been easy for you to leave her with all this going on.”
“Well, I haven’t.” Jeff almost put his hand out to touch Tim reassuringly, the boy suddenly seemed so lonely. Physical contact would probably have been a mistake at this point. One stage at a time. “I’m not going to leave you, either.”
“Right.”
“I know your mother’s been and straightened out the whole bungalow for you, but is there anything else you need?”
“Oh.” Tim glanced around the patio, almost as if he was confused by the question. “No, don’t think so.”
“Well, if you do think of anything, just call me. I’ll bring it straight over.”
“Okay. Thanks.”
Jeff stood up. Don’t ask, tell, don’t give him a chance to refuse. “I’ll be back to see you again tomorrow anyway.” He held his breath to see if Tim would object, or just tell him to his face not to come. But there was no response. “I love you, son.” He certainly didn’t expect a reply to that. Not for a long, long time. But if you love someone enough it’s hard for them not to love you back. That was the hope he clung to as he left.
46. OPPOSITES
JEFF DID GO BACK THE NEXT DAY, and the day after, and the day after that. He sat with Tim on the patio. Wondering how in hell to keep the conversation going was exhausting, emotionally draining work. But trying to regain the boy’s trust after such a monstrous violation was never going to be quick and easy. Jeff knew that, but was determined to put in the time. Decades, if necessary.
“Ten out of ten for effort,” Sue said dryly during one of her calls.
“Has he said anything to you?”
“Just that you keep visiting. I’m impressed.”
“This isn’t a game,” he told her crossly. “He’s my son.”
“Yes, really yours; I know that better than anyone else on this planet. You know this is so ironic.”
“How?”
“Before the treatment, you were the one he loved the most. I was just an ogre. Now, Tim and I are a lot closer. While you two…”
“Yeah, it’s a real hoot.”
“When are you coming down to London?”
“Day after tomorrow. Don’t worry, we’re staying at the conference center. We don’t need the flat.”