She didn’t say anything else and, when she let go of his hand to hit the skip button on the CD player when a song came on she didn’t like, he shifted his right hand to the steering wheel. She didn’t seem to notice though. Just started singing along with the next song and pointing out her favorite Christmas lights as they passed the cheery houses.
Tightening his grip, he concentrated on the road and fought the urge to pull over so he could beat his head against the steering wheel. He’d managed to screw everything up this time, only this time it was worse. Not only was there no alcohol to blame, no matter how flimsy that excuse had been, but she didn’t seem to have any regrets. He couldn’t let her think they were starting anything.
When he finally pulled into her driveway, he put the truck in Park, wondering how the hell he was going to get himself out of this. He just wanted to go home, max out the iPod’s volume and beat the crap out of the speed bag hanging in his basement for a while.
Claire was scowling up at her window, though, and not paying any attention to him. “I know I left the kitchen light on.”
But the apartment was dark now, which meant he’d have to go upstairs with her. He shut off the truck and put his hand out. “Give me your keys.”
She was on his heels as he went up the stairs and unlocked her door. The living room light went on when he flipped the switch and everything looked untouched. Moxie twisted around his ankles before moving on to Claire to be picked up and coddled. He peeked into her bathroom and bedroom and didn’t find anything out of place, so he dragged the kitchen chair over to the sink and climbed up to remove the light bulb over it.
“Burned out. You got another one?”
“Over the microwave. Hold on.”
He watched her as she set the cat down and stretched to reach the box of light bulbs. She looked…happy. Relaxed. And she smiled up at him as he took the bulb from her hand. “You’re a pretty handy guy.”
“Yeah.” He took his time screwing in the new bulb and replacing the cover, but it was still only a few minutes before it was time to face the music.
She’d taken off her sweatshirt and was curled on the couch with her feet tucked under Moxie for warmth. Pausing in the act of reaching for the remote control, she gave him a funny look. “What’s wrong?”
“I should get going. It’s been a long night.”
The happy glow faded a little, but she was still smiling. “Why don’t you just stay here? There’s no sense in making the drive home when you’ve got to go out early in the morning to finish up.”
“I can’t stay, Claire.” And that pretty much killed the last of the happy on her face.
“Why?” He shrugged, not knowing what to say, but she shook her head. “Don’t. Tell me why.”
“I can’t do this again. You and me, I mean. It’s not right.”
“You seemed to think it was pretty right a half hour ago.”
“I want you. I still do, but…Brendan…” He didn’t know how to explain it and all the words in the world wouldn’t make it any easier. Probably just hurt more. “I have to go. I’ll call you tomorrow maybe.”
“Justin.” He paused, his hand on the doorknob, but he didn’t turn. “Don’t come back.”
Chapter Six
Claire’s body trembled with the effort it had taken to force the words out, but she wouldn’t take them back.
Justin’s hand slid off the doorknob as he slowly turned to face her. “Claire, don’t do this.”
Did he honestly think she wanted to kick him out of her life? He was her best friend. And, despite her best efforts to deny and deflect, he was the man she was falling in love with. Or maybe she’d always been in love with him but she’d blocked it out.
“I thought, after the Christmas party, we’d be okay,” she said in a quiet voice. “I thought our friendship survived. And tonight, in your truck, I thought we’d had some time to come to grips with…whatever it is we’re feeling and that we were taking a step forward together, but we’re not. You’re stuck riding some messed-up emotional rollercoaster and I want off.”
“I’m not trying to hurt you.”
“But you are. I’ve always loved you, Justin, but I think the way I love you is changing and it scares the hell out of me. Since you’re not in the same place, you have to walk away now before it gets any worse. Please.”
“You were a beautiful bride,” he whispered.
The shift in the conversation put her off-balance and, almost involuntarily, she glanced at the formal wedding portrait of her and Brendan. After taking a second to calm herself, she looked back at Justin. “This isn’t about the past. It’s about right now.”
“How can it not be about the past? I stood there, at my best friend’s side, and watched you vow to love, honor and cherish him.”
“’Til death we did part. I loved him, Justin. I still love him and if he’d lived I would have spent the rest of my life with him. But he died. That life is gone, but I’m still here and I have to make a new life. I want to make it with you.”
“I can’t. You’re Brendan’s wife, Claire. I can’t get past that.”
“No. I’m Brendan’s widow. I’m not his wife anymore.”
“But you were. I loved my best friend’s wife. You know what kind of lowlife asshole that makes me? The worst kind, that’s what.”
I loved my best friend’s wife. His words were slow to sink in and she was even slower to understand them. It would’ve made sense to her if he said I made love to my best friend’s widow. She knew their relationships with Brendan messed with his head. He wasn’t alone.
But he made it sound like he was in love with her. And had been since before Brendan died. That wasn’t possible, though, because he was her best friend and she would have known if he had those kinds of feelings for her.
“You never betrayed him,” she said, because she wasn’t sure of much at the moment, but that was one thing she didn’t doubt.
“I did. In my heart. And when I closed my eyes at night, I tried not to imagine making love to you, but I did it anyway. I tried so damn hard not to.”
The emotional cost of that confession was written all over his face and she couldn’t take it. She looked down at Moxie and stroked her fur, not sure if it was the cat she was trying to soothe or herself.
“You don’t mean that, Justin.” It couldn’t be true because it changed everything she’d ever believed about their relationship.
“It’s the truth.”
“He’s gone now.”
“We both loved Brendan too much for him to ever be gone. I…I just can’t do this.”
“Then you have to go. I’ve had too much pain and unhappiness to hold on to something that hurts me, even if it’s you.”
“Don’t. Please.”
“I have to.”
He looked like he had more to say-she could see it on his face-but then he opened the door and stepped out into the cold night. The first tear fell as he closed the door and, by the time the sound of his truck roaring up the street faded, she was bawling into the arm of the couch, Moxie trying to comfort her by batting at her hair.
Claire knew making Justin leave was the right thing to do, but she hadn’t expected it to hurt quite so much. And she knew from experience it wasn’t going to hurt just for a while. It was going to hurt every time she wanted to pick up the phone and call him, but couldn’t. It was going to hurt every time she heard a joke she thought would make him laugh, but couldn’t share it. It would hurt when there was a movie she knew they’d both love and she had to go to the theater without him.
Even if he came back, things would never be the same between them again. Now she knew he’d loved her-he’d used the past tense-and she loved him in the present tense, but he was right. They’d both loved Brendan too much for him to ever be gone. And, while she could accept she was lucky enough to love two great guys who happened to have been best friends, Justin couldn’t.