“You need to calm down right now,” Mom shouted back.
Dad, though, he pulled up to the corner. Hitting the universal lock, he unlatched all four doors at once. I pushed mine open so hard, it bounced back and hit me, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t breathe, but I was out, into the sun and the quiet. I didn’t know who I was, but I remembered who I used to be.
So would Seth.
“I feel bad,” Seth said. “We should be down there helping.”
We sat on the tailgate of his truck, at the farthest end of Stickels Cove Road. Pines closed around us, shielding us from the cool wind that came in with sunset. From our cliff perch, we watched Broken Tooth cleaning up after the storm.
Wounded boats rolled out of the water on flatbed trailers. A few had been righted and found seaworthy. Piles of broken wood and garbage rose at either end of the wharf. The Jenn-a-Lo bobbed at her slip, unharmed.
Peeling the label off my Moxie bottle, I nodded. Instead of untangling that rat’s nest of loose traps down there, I drank bitter soda with my ex-boyfriend. I put my drink aside and leaned forward. It was a long way down to the water; it made me dizzy to look over the side.
“I know. Why aren’t we?” I asked.
“Because we suck.”
The light falling on us was blazing sunset, and he blazed with it. I remembered when he lost his front teeth, and the big old Chiclets that grew in the gaps. How his pug nose was too wide and too blunt in middle school. Time had stretched him out. He grew into the teeth and the nose, and an old ember warmed me. I remembered why we’d had plans.
“Don’t we, though?” I said.
Seth finished his bottle and tossed it into the bin by his cab. Then he lay back in shadow to stare at the sky. “They took your license, huh?”
“Sure did.”
“Wish they’d take mine,” he said.
Another revelation on a day full of them. Twisting to face him, I couldn’t hide my surprise. “Are you serious?”
“As a heart attack.”
He plucked the sleeve of my dress, familiar, bothering. He kept doing it, until I finally stretched out beside him. Even through his jacket, I felt his heat. For the first time in a long time, I noticed the scent of his skin.
Bumping my knuckles against his, I asked, “What happened to running charters?”
“I’m sick of doing the same thing over and over.”
I smiled faintly. “And the choir says amen.”
“I’m serious, though, Willa.” He furrowed his brow, idly hooking his finger in mine. “Aren’t you?”
“I’m just tired.”
“I thought everything was perfect. It wasn’t. I mean, don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t bad. That ain’t the same thing as perfect.”
There was a reason Levi had always written their song lyrics. Still, the sentiment was right. It was there. Sometimes we traded who was trying too hard and who cared too much. Half the time, we overthought it, acting grown and married and forgetting to just be. To have fun. To be in love.
Winding my fingers in his, I looked over. The sun had shifted. A crimson streak of light banded his forehead. He looked ancient, and beautiful. Swallowing hard, I bumped against him. “Can I ask you something?”
“Go for it.”
“Did you buy me a ring?”
Seth was quiet a long time. He seemed thoughtful, not afraid to answer the question. More like he wanted to get it right. Tightening his fingers in mine, he finally murmured, “Yeah, but I took it back.”
“Well, I didn’t think you—”
“The day after I bought it. Before we, before this . . .”
And yes, that stung. But at the same time, it let me breathe. Nothing had been wrong with us; a lot of things had been right. Comfortable. We were the same shortcut to the same secret place in the woods. Nothing new to discover, and we hadn’t even tried. Seth had realized it too. Maybe even realized it first.
“You should go to New York,” I said. It wasn’t comfortable, but I rolled onto my side. Propping my head in one hand, I dropped the other on his chest. “Make music. You used to talk about it.”
“The band’s gone,” Seth said.
“A lot of things are gone. Apparently we’re supposed to keep on living. That’s what everybody’s telling me.”
“We miss him too, you know.”
“I’m not talking about Levi tonight.” I meant it. It felt a little wrong to say so. To deliberately put him in a box and put him away, but I hadn’t lied. I was tired. Shifting to lay my head on Seth’s shoulder, I pressed one finger after another into his chest. “I want you to be happy. I also wanna know what you and my dad got into it about.”
With a snort, Seth sighed. “Don’t you know? I’m a damned fool for breaking your heart.”
I went hot all over. “I’m sorry; I didn’t put him up to it.”
“Didn’t think you did,” Seth said. “Everybody’s worried, though. Where have you been lately?”
“Court. Hell. Jackson’s Rock,” I said.
“Bull,” he replied.
“You’d think. It’s true, though.” I raised my head, peering at the Rock in the distance. Grey was in there somewhere, if he was real at all. Despite everything, it was still easy to disbelieve him when I was on the mainland. “I sailed right up to the back door.”
“You can’t. All those endangered birds.” Seth raised a hand to rub his temple. Distracted, his blue eyes went blank a moment. Then he said, “I’m taking Kayla to the formal.”
That was his cousin, and that fact came out of nowhere. I watched his face curiously. “Not Denny?”
Slowly pushing himself up, Seth shook his head. “No. It wasn’t anything. I told you that.”
“No point in wasting the tickets, I guess.” I shrugged. “I’ll probably go to the lighthouse just to get out of town.”
“Nobody goes there. It’s automatic.” Seth grimaced, pressing two fingers to his temple. Then he blanked and veered again. “It was a good thing Dad was down at Peak’s Island last night. He says it was smooth water and clear skies thataways.”
A shiver ran through me. My gaze strayed toward Jackson’s Rock. The lighthouse was nothing but a shadow on a darkening horizon. The timer hadn’t gone off yet; the beacon was still. Nudging Seth, I slid to the end of the tailgate. Then, carefully, I said, “Come with me, I’ll show you the island.”
This time, Seth groaned. He didn’t follow me to his feet. Instead, he pinched the bridge of his nose. There was no blankness, but some of his color drained away. He looked like death. “My head’s killing me. Mom’s probably holding dinner for me too.”
“Seth,” I said. I stepped in front of him, touching his chin. For a moment, I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to climb into his arms and under his clothes. He was the shortcut I knew, to a place I’d already been, but sometimes that was a good thing. Instead I glanced over my shoulder. “Let’s go to Jackson’s Rock.”
“I could go to Seattle. I still want to be close to the water, you know? I could take my guitar and sit on the corner and play for change.”
He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t talk about the lighthouse or the island. Realization filled me, suddenly, almost painfully.
My memories were full of blanks and headaches too. I couldn’t think of anybody from Broken Tooth who had ever gone to the Rock. Plenty of people camped on other islands nearby, had parties there, bonfires . . . but never on Jackson’s Rock. My head used to ache when I thought about the lighthouse. Bailey’s, too; everybody’s.
The island really did want us to look away.
SEVENTEEN