The flat was too small. That was the truth. Too easy to clutter, never mind Mo and the junk he brought home.
Although if it had been his family my God even a distant relative, a tenth cousin! There would be no question. People just appeared. That was Mo’s childhood. You woke up in the morning and two uncles were in sleeping bags on the carpet. All for one one for all. It was a worthwhile attitude. Even if it wasnt family it was friends, arriving unannounced, no money and no place to go. It wouldnt have been one night for them. It would be for as long as it took. Of course it would. And if the person was in need, in genuine need, if he needed looking after, or just care, and attention.
Oh God.
Mum’s flat in Glasgow would have been ideal. She had a spare room. It was a bedroom in the past but was now a workroom. She could move out the table and sewing machine. She used to have a folding bed sort of thing, a z-bed. Perhaps she still had it. Except Mum wasnt a hoarder; if things had no function she dumped them.
Mum would have changed the house for Brian. She would want to. She would be so glad to see him.
Although Helen could get a folding bed. She could. Mo would enjoy the hunt. Car-boot sales and secondhand shops, the old market they went to. Brian wouldnt have any money, not if he was living rough. An actual mattress was all they needed, and a sleeping bag or a duvet.
Oh God, why was he living rough! Unless he was ill and unable to fend for himself: people got trapped in vicious circles with government agencies, if you have no address they wont give you money, but you cant get an address until they give you money. It was appalling and obvious. Why did they not work it out? Surely they could work it out! People wandered around, ill, in need of care and attention and the government just oh my God why didnt people do something about it? if things were obvious, it was always obvious things, and everybody knew them, everybody, everybody knew yet nothing was done, it was horrible. Poor Brian.
Mo’s family was straightforward, they seemed so. But only what she knew and what did she know? nothing. Did he tell her everything? Of course not. He didnt know himself. Nobody did. Nobody could. Because people didnt know everything. There were matters and events his parents and uncles and aunts wouldnt speak about, especially if the memories were bad. If you went back two generations it became more complicated. It was the same with all families, unless you were rich, there were things you didnt want to know and not if it was Pakistan and India and these places where it was killings and all that, people starving to death. Mo was going to go. His parents hadnt been back for years but were saving to go again — one last time, and Mo was going with them.
Helen wasnt. It was assumed she wasnt. She might have liked to go, if it was only her, although not with Sophie. Even the slightest risk. It would have been fine for herself but not a little girl. If Mo had asked, but he hadnt. She still hadnt met his parents. Oh well.
But the way it was portrayed, it could never have been as bad as that: wars and bombs, suicides and assassinations and the poverty and disease; religious fanatics everywhere all waving their fists at you; people just so angry, they were angry all the time, why were they so angry? everybody was just so angry it made you shudder seeing them and all millions of them; it was America did it with their policies and how they didnt care about people starving and dying but only their own wealth and taking other people’s resources, just stealing them really. It was true. They stole everything and then were annoyed if you told them to stop like how children behave. But Mo was prejudiced too because it was America so it had to be bad, him and his mates, but if it was religion and men’s attitudes my God even walking down the street if it was over there, Pakistan or wherever, what did he know about that? If you were a white woman and just dressed ordinary then you were evil and no better than a prostitute, men all looking at you and all their hypocrisy, oh yes, they wanted you for sex and then called you a prostitute, wanting to punish you and cover you up, it was so shocking, they would put you in a sack, if you were a woman my God if ever you did go there you would just be angry all the time and if you went into the country and got lost, without any roads, not proper ones, or even in the city, a crowded street with market stalls and you could hardly move between people, all claustrophobic and you got separated. And if you were snatched. It happened. What if it was a little girl?
It would never have happened because Helen would never have taken her. That was the one thing. If Helen ever was to go it wouldnt be until Sophie had grown. Even then. Perhaps she would never take her at all.
Helen closed her eyes and rested back on the chair. She couldnt even sleep properly.
Then Mo’s family too, what about them? Caught by a white woman. His mother said that, apparently. English woman was white woman. English woman with her own baby. They hadnt expected Mo to get caught by an English woman with her own baby which meant white woman with her own baby. ‘Own baby’. Of course ‘own baby’. Whose did they expect? It made you laugh if you didnt cry. Mo laughed. Helen didnt. She didnt cry either. It was just nothing. At one time it would have upset her. Now it didnt. Really, it didnt.
There was so much else. People’s fights and feuds. It was silly nonsense. English woman. What did it matter? Scottish and English. Prejudice was everywhere. In casinos you met all nationalities under the sun but prejudice was there too, and hate, you saw hate. Then if you were white they expected you to be the same. You were prejudiced too. That was expected. They even winked at you when the person couldnt see. It was so so cowardly, and making you a coward too! Why bring you into it? If they want to be racist cowards they can be but why bring in other people? Just because you are white doesnt mean you are prejudiced. And the violence, always violence, wanting to hurt and kill. They were supposed to be Christians but didnt act like Christians.
That was the big joke for Mo because Christians, how do they act? meaning not good, meaning prejudiced; meaning that was the way they did act, in real life, them and the Jews, it was them that were prejudiced, even the Pope, if you heard what he said. Prejudice was everywhere and not under the surface. Every time you got on a bus; everywhere. But Mo’s friends too. One time in the house she heard them about black people. She was in the company so what did it say about her? what they thought about her, to say it with her sitting there? It was so unforgivable. Helen couldnt believe her ears; a football match on television and the comments they made that were just like racist and horrible. Mo said it was a joke but it wasnt a joke, how could it be a joke it could not be a joke. If they were good men and went to the Mosque, what did it matter? and didnt smoke or drink, who cared about that? smoking or drinking, it was like eating fish, just silly, and then they abused people, other human beings. If that was Muslims and religion, my God, it was all just the same, Catholics and Protestants, it didnt stop the prejudice, they were all as bad, and her ex, just the same as him, hating people. She wanted away from it all, everything, from everything that was remotely like that, where you could bring up your children and be free from all of it; and the lies, she hated the lies; lies and falsity; pretending to be something they werent. That was people. It didnt matter where it came from, not if that was how they were and they hurt people; why did they hurt people? All the killings and murders and even babies, they didnt care if it was babies, and children, little boys and girls, you saw their smile, such innocence and like trust, trust, just believing what they would believe, little girls.
Oh God, where did her head go? Where did it not go. And Dad too, poor old Dad.