What was nice with Azizah was how Sophie liked her and became quite excited waiting for her to arrive. More excited than for her mother’s departure! Oh well. But it was good she did.
Helen remembered being fifteen. People took advantage. They tried to anyway. Not everybody, Gary Thompson; he didnt try anything. Whatever happened to him? My God. Gary was just too young. Her first real boyfriend. He didnt try anything! He was so respectful, or he didnt know.
Some were too young and some were too old. And the in-between ones were the worst. They treated you like shit, they had no respect. You were not on any pedestal with them. The opposite. Did they even respect themselves? They start off okay then everything changes. People do change. Men especially. When had her ex changed? He didnt was the quick answer. He had all the arrogance going and was as selfish, so selfish, as selfish as anybody ever could be. My God, thinking about that, what she put up with, just so so — however could she have put up with it? She was at a ‘low ebb’, because she was at a low ebb. That was what Jill said. People put up with things at a low ebb. You have to get positive and then you dont put up with it, then you fight back. Yes, and that was what Helen did, and she managed it, and then Mo was there and like his support, she had that, and at the right time and that was so crucial, so so crucial. It didnt matter about her ex and the problems he had. Of course he had problems, everybody has problems. For her it was him. Not any longer.
Sophie still spoke about him, but not so often. She spoke about him to Mo. My dad this and my dad that. Mo only smiled, but it wasnt fair.
Children can be hurtful, even without knowing it, although sometimes they do, they do know it, they do things that are not good, like intentionally, a wee experiment. It made you shudder. Horror movies with children were the scariest. If you wanted to frighten people really and truly make children the evil-doers. They have the power; you know it as a child, you see the adult and you know you have it. Not all adults but some. You are the child but it is you with the power; you can make them do it, whatever it is, you get somebody a row, even like a smack; somebody gets smacked and it is you to blame. Nobody knows it, not even the one it happens to. Cats and cats’ eyes, a cat’s eyes looking at you. That is the knowing look, how a child looks at you.
Sophie would always want him. Mo said it, Your dad is your dad.
So that meant Helen too, she was stuck with him, her so-called ‘ex’. Out of the blue it would come, and it would be him; one phone call. She could never escape, except if she emigrated, and that wasnt allowed, and would be unfair to Sophie. Even if he was a shit, none of it mattered for her. A special bond for daughters. Were mothers and sons the same? Yes! Mum and Brian!
Imagine a son. Helen couldnt. Except it would be beautiful. In what way she had no idea except that it would, and be beautiful. She didnt know how, she was tired and wanted to sleep. She needed to sleep, her body needed it. She was used to nightshift but she had to have it, she did. Shift workers need to rest. Doctors spoke about it. They didnt get enough sleep. Life becomes unbalanced, the social side of it. Shift workers were at the lower end; everything was geared to the 9 to 5s. Other folk had problems but not them. And then your children, how they had to go to school and school hours were school hours, and if you were trying to keep your head above water, trying to work, and your partner, and the hours you worked, it was a long shift, and also how you had to look, if you were a woman, it was just so time-consuming, everything, time time time, and if you had a family, what time did you have? None, none none none.
Oh God.
A fit of the yawns, all she did was yawn, even in work. That was nightshift. You would think she was used to it by now, and she was used to it, but still the difficulty. You werent supposed to yawn at the tables. That was frowned upon. In one casino the Inspector gave wee warnings about it. He was French and very irritable, things got to him and they shouldnt have, being an Inspector; Inspectors should be cool and laid back. Not him. He intimidated people, males especially, and him being gay, but he still intimidated them. If people thought he might not be tough because he was gay, oh well, they were wrong. But he wasnt kind either. If you thought somebody would be kind because they were gay; he wasnt. He didnt care about your domestic troubles. It was so irritating about him; you tried to explain something and he didnt listen, only sighed and looked away, shaking his head and seeing his watch, exaggerating his actions so you would stop talking. Oh the French are like that. People said this but not Helen, she liked their voices. It was his bad manners, and so lacking in respect. That is what bad manners are, disrespect. And if it was men to women. Men had these irritating habits and not listening to you was the worst. Why did they do it? They did not listen. Even Mo, if you were explaining about something, he came in and spoke, and what he said hardly related to what you were saying; it was so aggravating. Her ex didnt even pretend, he just looked at you so to shut you up, that was that, you werent to speak. Seen and not heard, that was him to women like they were all stupid, you were a stupid woman.
He denigrated people. Such arrogance.
And somebody else’s problem. But still hers, he would always be hers. You saw it with Sophie. The phone call would come and she would go. He took her places and she enjoyed it. Helen would have known if she hadnt, the slightest thing and she would, slightest slightest thing my God she was only a child, what did she know? nothing, although she thought she did. That was girls. They thought they knew everything like at six years of age, it would be funny if it wasnt so dangerous. Girls might think it about men but it is wrong. Your life is not your own. You think it is and it isnt, not for girls. Nothing ever would be a surprise, not about men — males, because boys too. When they hold you down and open your legs and if it is not rape, or is it? yes, yes it is rape.
People had bits of you. Helen read a novel about a woman that was a journalist. She was just a young woman but quite famous in her own right because of her adventures. Some of it was fanciful but it was interesting too. Helen could recognise things and identify with her, especially how people clung to you. Oh but she was very different to Helen. Helen hadnt done anything with her life, not of interest to other people. Only ordinary stuff. Ordinary stuff weighed you down and like how you couldnt get moving, you couldnt, you were trapped and all of these adventures, whatever they were, whatever, what she was thinking, what was she thinking? Even the day, she didnt know the day. She didnt know anything. What did she know? She was a fool. Not at school she wasnt. Friends thought she was brainy. Her dad did, he said he did. Mum didnt. Did she? Perhaps she did. Her ex didnt but he was just absurd, so absurd, just like an absurd person. So different from Mo, one of those people who take; they take bits of you and just like what is it they want?
Everything. If you didnt have enough sleep. Who would give you that? She needed to sleep. Doze doze doze. She needed more than doze doze doze.
Even Sophie. It was her life now. It made you sad but relieved as well. Imagine living forever. My God.
All these people whose lives were alongside yours. They surrounded you. It was not suffocating. They existed alongside. You didnt know they were there and you didnt see them but there they were. They had their hopes and their dreams and good and bad all happening and they went away and led their own lives, perhaps in different cities, different countries; their lives were so faraway from your own and yet there were ripples. Look at Brian. It was just so amazing that he should have been there at that exact spot when she was in that exact taxi at that exact moment in time. If they had been one minute earlier at that junction: one minute! My God, it was so extraordinary.