Anyway, it was Brian’s decision. He went away and never came back. What were people supposed to do? go and look for you? That was fantasy. If you thought they would. You make your bed and sleep in it. That is what happens in this life. People are not going to come running. Did he think they were! He was never practical. Practical. Helen had forgotten that one like when Mum made excuses for him to Dad, Oh the boy isnt ‘practical’. If he had made a mistake or done something silly and Dad was giving him a row. Oh Dad, he just isnt ‘practical’.
Mum protected him. She didnt protect Helen. That was funny. Not protecting your daughter. She protected Brian but not her; protected the male but not the female. It was not usual. And if there is an imbalance in the affections, parents correct this, they try to. If one child is likeable and the other isnt. Dad favoured her. He did. Of course he did. But it wasnt her fault. If anybody thought it was. Brian thought Mum was wonderfuclass="underline" she was not wonderful. That was one thing she wasnt. Of course Helen had done things. Yes and would never deny it. Everybody does things. It has a name: ‘being young’. Nobody is interested. Nobody cares. Why should they? It is just people’s lives. Nobody can keep track. Everything goes on with everybody and everybody doing everything. That is life and it is all around. She didnt have one of those extended families with all cousins together. She didnt have that and didnt want it. She had what she had and was content, and the future too, saving for that.
And once they had they would see how things were, if they could find a place of their own, but if not, even just if they were okay and surviving.
People want to survive, they cling on. Some by doing nothing, they go numb and their whole body freezes, they lie there and it is like a lizard and its body, a body and not a body, a suit of armour; a hide, it shields you and they cant get you. Going numb. People go numb beneath the threat of violence. Violence is everywhere and in all walks of life, not only the ‘working class’. It sounded different how Jill said it, ‘working class’. They were talking one night during the break. Somebody had made a silly statement and Jill spoke up. Others looked at her. It was because she had the posh voice. But if she was posh here she was on her own. She didnt have any man and she had the same job as them. She was escaping too. People escape.
The kitchen door had opened. Sophie was there. She was in her nightdress, standing almost without movement, staring into her mother’s eyes, hand to her forehead as though testing her temperature. A moment passed. Helen smiled. You are so cheeky!
Sophie continued staring. Helen touched her hand. Dont worry.
Well why are you sitting here? I’ve been standing for ages and you didnt wake up, why are you not in bed? I’ve been looking at you!
Oh you have have you! I should tickle you.
But I was only waiting for you to wake up.
I was not sleeping.
Yes you were.
Helen smiled. I should tickle you all the same! That is so so cheeky!
I didnt mean to wake you.
I’m just tired honey. Do you know what I feel like? I’ve been trampled by an elephant. I’m not kidding.
Yes you are.
It was a big fat elephant with massive tusks!
No it wasnt.
It was, it really was.
You’re just a fibber!
Huh! Oh — what a thing to say about your mum! Helen squeezed her arm and Sophie laughed.
Oh Mummy will you take me to school? You never do!
Pardon!
But you never!
I do when I’m not working!
Oh you’re always working.
I’m not, no I’m not.
It’s only Mo takes me.
I thought you liked going with Mo!
I want you. Will you? Please?
Oh love I cant, I have to go to bed! I’m just so horrible and sweaty.
Sophie was watching her. Helen widened her eyelids to appear menacing. Sophie smiled cautiously. Now Helen waved her hands in a circular fashion near to Sophie’s eyes as though to hypnotise her, and she adopted the voice of a robot: Whyy did you wayyyken meee uhhhp?
Sophie laughed, jumping back the way.
Ssh, dont thump, said Helen, and resumed the robotic inflection: Ye-es youou diiid wayyyken meee uhhhp.
Oh but Mummy I didnt mean to. Sophie had stopped laughing and was almost scared. I didnt, she said, I really didnt! Oh Mum, I really didnt.
Helen took her by the hand. I’m joking.
I dont like it when you are.
But it’s only for fun.
I dont like it.
Helen sat back down on the kitchen chair. It’s not that bad, she said, dont take it so seriously.
I didnt mean to wake you up.
I know you didnt.
Honest Mum.
I know! Helen clapped her on the shoulder. Dont be so worried all the time! You are a wee worrier!
No I’m not!
Yes you are!
Sophie laughed, tried to squeeze in beside Helen on the chair but there wasnt the space, so moved to lie against her, slouching. She put her arms round Helen’s neck, cuddling her cheek to cheek then forehead to forehead. Helen’s eyes were closed. Oh thank you young lady, she said.
Why are you still wearing your coat?
Never you mind.
Why are you not in bed?
I am too tired.
No you arent.
I am. You’re making it worse.
What’s all them? said Sophie, pointing at the photographs. Most had been tidied and stacked together. She lifted one, of Helen’s mother and father. Sophie studied it: Is it my grannie?
Your grandpa too.
My grandpa?
You know he’s your grandpa. Helen yawned. I’ve told you before.
Is he not feeling well?
You’re just being funny, said Helen.
I’m not.
Yes you are.
Sophie laid down the photograph and turned in the direction of the door. If you’re so sleepy you should go to bed, she said, if you are; if you are you should.
You, my girl, are cheeky.
Well Mum you always yawn.
Helen smiled. So did Azizah read you a story?
No.
No?
She just read her own book.
Aw.
She said sorry because she forgot.
That was nice of her.
Sophie didnt respond.
Helen glanced to the door. Where’s Mr Noisy?
The girl still didnt respond, distracted by the photographs, or so pretending. More likely she was ignoring Helen. This was becoming a habit. She did it even more to Mo. It wasnt nice. Some adults would have been hurt. Among younger children it was acceptable but Sophie was too old. Helen remembered the way she and other kids had played together at nursery; ‘together’ was the wrong word, they were only in the same room. They were each on their own, playing their own individual games. That was the way they were. They didnt have any community spirit at all. They didnt. They werent born with any. Rather the reverse, they were selfish, they told tales about each other. It was true. Children were deceitful, they didnt care about each other. People liked to think otherwise but that was the reality. They were only interested in themselves, in getting their own way, twisting adults round their little fingers. Sophie was guilty of that, just like everybody else. If she had a little friend and Helen asked about her, Sophie acted as though she didnt know who she was or what Helen was even talking about. It was quite sad really, in a way. They called childhood a happy time but was it? Perhaps for some. Not so much for others.
Now she was about to lift the photographs, all the photographs, all at the same time, pushing and pulling them for God sake Sophie! Sophie stop that!
Sophie looked at her.
Helen glared at her. Stop that, stop being so silly.
I’m not being silly.
You are.
I’m not. Sophie continued with the photographs but more carefully.