Poor Mo. He was too good for a restaurant. He would have hated her saying it but it was true. Helen raised her head to see his face. His eyes were closed. But he was awake. He was talented and clever, and witty, he was. He could have been like an actor or somebody. In the entertainment world.
Not that he would be. What did it matter anyway, it was just silly, but it would be better if he didnt call her Soapy. Imagine he said it in front of her friends. That was what men didnt think about. Girls are not boys. Sophie was right about that.
Perhaps he was too good for like an actor or whatever. Perhaps he was too good for everything. What else would he do? He didnt like business. One of his friends was in business and he was making money. Oh well, perhaps his charm, the irresistible charm, he had his irresistible charm and everybody succumbed, except her. That was funny. Mo said it but it wasnt true. Only some days she was tired. She couldnt raise the curtain, if a curtain was there, it was like a curtain was there, drawn, thick and heavy, laden with dust, so so heavy and like, if anything was on the other side, what could there be? it was too dark, you were too tired. If positives were there, you knew they were, only you were tired, and it was dark. Things were dark, you saw them dark. Helen did
tired and dark
Something good happened today, what was it?
She had to think. Mo had whispered it to her. He would have been smiling. If she could see his face. She would have had to raise her head.
Helen got sick of smiling. Smiles were sewn on. Sometimes she wondered.
Positives and negatives, he talked about that, where there is darkness there is light. Something good happened today.
People can be smilers. She needed to smile. There were nice smiles. Natural honest smiles. She didnt have one. She didnt trust her smiles. They were not ordinary as from one person to another. It was why she needed him. She did need him. He made silly comments but they were true. Negatives became positives. He had that knack and it was so necessary. If she didnt find that in a person, if the other person wasnt positive, just down-in-the-dumps all the time, except how things happened in life. Not everybody was happy families. Experiences werent all good. A negative was a negative; it was only positive if it was positive. Everybody was different and it had to be remembered. People had their own personalities, each and every one. It applied to babies in the pram. Try to get one to do something. If she didnt want to. Boys too. They go off and do what they want. That was Brian. Off he went. A row with Dad and away. Was that responsible? Not to contact his own mother, even to contact her. That was boys. What an easy life they had in comparison.
Helen was not a brooder. Her ex called her that. Brood. Like a big hen. A woman was a big hen. A woman brooded and had a brood. A word for a woman but not a woman’s word. It was like ‘women’s work’, even to say it: women’s work. Every week was every week. A brooder. Who did the ironing? Who did the washing who did everything
what did it matter, week in week out, Sophie not wearing the same clothes twice, what did it matter, everything having to be just so, none of it, it didnt matter, it was all like meaningless nonsense. She didnt want anything to do with it.
Mo and his criticisms about her worrying all the time. He didnt know, he really didnt. What world did he come from that people worrying was news?
Men didnt understand.
Mo’s breathing, he was having a wee doze. That was nice, if she could too. This was the amusing part of it, how she had been asleep; she was, then he came home so now, of course, she wasnt. Oh well.
She would have loved a sister. Or a cousin with children and they could just maybe share, if one could babysit or else just meet up for a chat or it could even be Brian, if he was married and his wife was there and just like a friend, a good friend, and they could meet up, just shopping together or taking the children to the swing park or wherever, if there were not too many boys rushing around, it was off-putting for Sophie; she was at that stage. Mo tried to laugh her out it but she just looked at him. On her dignity at six years of age? Yes. It was so important. Women dont have many weapons but that was one of the best.
Less than twelve hours from now and she would be at the table so she needed to sleep, she did need it. She would though. She was tired. Oh so tired, so so tired, she was.
Every time her eyes closed she opened them. Anyway, she knew what a living death was. She had been married to one.
Her brains full to capacity; family family family, she was sick of it. Why does family rear its ugly head but it does, a lifetime, it is jail for a life sentence, families and ghosts
Mo’s too, she hadnt even met them, why hadnt she met them?
Oh God if she could sleep. In one position then another, unable to settle, if she could settle, she couldnt settle, and she had to to sleep. You worked on automatic pilot as a dealer but only to a point and if your mind was someplace else like family problems. Everybody made mistakes. But not too many else you would be out on the street, and you couldnt blame them like for mistakes, mistakes are money.
She had been asleep, till he woke her up. He actually woke her up. So then he went to sleep and she stayed awake. Oh well. Perhaps a pill, nightshift workers took pills. Sex didnt knock her out.
The heat from his body. She wouldnt have needed the socks and hot bottle. If he had told her in advance, I’m coming back to bed
Only the waiting, how much of your life, waiting, and always for other people, their life is the important one, theirs and not yours.
That was Caroline, everybody waiting, she was the one, they were due the taxi and waiting for her, she was the one preening, so if they hadnt waited, if she hadnt been so selfish because that is it, selfish.
You go home and you go home. Not like everything else, like the whole world and you are not able to, why cant you just go home? not like waiting and waiting
wee souls, all running around, you saw them in the school playground and Sophie was one, and she would be waiting, and if people are late, parents can be
if it is standby, a machine on standby, if she had no choice like brains functioning with or without like a purring, engines purring purring and we dont know the thing is on
What came first? Knowing they were there? Or seeing them?
There are enemies of children
What did God do there? It was just like bad luck
for Dad too, poor old Dad.
horrible horrible feeling. If it didnt happen in casinos, there was a privacy there. She felt that anyway. Others perhaps didnt, if they felt panicky, some would, and ogling ones looking at you and just staring,
wee souls
Hey … Helllenn, Helenn …
Mo the smiler. His breathing too, the regularity, you listen to someone’s breathing. Breathing and voices, faces, distinguishing features, hear their breathing, people’s breathing.
You are very welcome to sleep m’dear, most very welcome … Mo was already out the bed, halfway, about to lower his feet to the floor.
I was hardly asleep at all.
You were snoring.
No I wasnt.
He was about to turn from her but she raised her hand. I’m sorry, she said, but what does it matter about the neighbours? That’s six months now and I still havent met your family. You talk about your community and how about tradition and everything, the culture and everything, but to me it’s like neighbours, that’s ‘the community’, that’s how it sounds to me. Oh heavens, what will the neighbours think? You tell one person and then everybody knows, the whole world. So it’s like oh she’s a white woman and got her own child. When your mother said ‘English woman’, that’s what she meant, just like white woman.