There was plenty she didnt know, not when it came down to it, about men, ones like him. You had to be careful. If you were not respectful, you met dealers who werent. It was risky, because who were you talking to? One like the mad doctor they patronised, even treating him with contempt. How come? Because he was a doctor? So like doctors were not to gamble? It was stupid. He was an actual surgeon anyway but he was a good guy and it wasnt fair. And they were taking risks too because how did they know about the person underneath? They only saw the surface. Stay or take a card. But the real actual person? They didnt do it to the Chinese; they were many and who was who? who was with who? you didnt know. There were ones never spoke to anybody, till then you saw them part of a group; the silent guy sitting at the edge, hardly even there, probably he was the toughest and the most dangerous. Too many stories. Criminals and gangsters, killers. One she knew was up on trial, a horror. He sat across from her. Gloating and horrible, that was him. The next thing was the newspaper photograph and she knew it was him, she knew it, although he wasnt smiling, that wasnt in the photograph. He wouldnt have cared. Another one the police took. He was playing the machines when they came for him. People would have expected him to run but he didnt. He just looked at them. What was that look? it was so — just something. Men could do it. Then the ones who vanished, just like disappeared. They were there every week until the time they werent, and you never saw them again. What was it? Had something happened? Had they changed their life? They had had enough of gambling, or were fighting against the addiction if that is what it was, if their partners had caught them lying, or their employer, they had been using somebody else’s money so now it was like fraud, they were liars and cheats. So then the disgrace. People cannot cope, they run away. So understandable. It was shame, you were shamed, in front of your family and your community, your close friends, everybody. So then you escape, you disappear. Mo spoke about that because it happened to somebody close to him. For most people it is the same; at least once in their life, they do something that is just so so horrible, and hurtful for others, something that makes them so very very ashamed. It is a disgrace, they feel the disgrace. That is what Mo thought. Helen agreed with him, although with Mo, she could never imagine him doing anything. He said he had when he was young but it was hard to believe. People have different ideas. Disgrace for some is not for others.
Perhaps he did disgrace his family. People can think it. That doesnt mean it is true. Especially with families; families families.
People had mega disgraces, some had minor. For their family but not for others. Some families dont care. Some dont even know. Society sees it as a disgrace but they dont. Families can be sick, so can society.
This nonsense about tee-shirts and underwear, people ironed them, some did and some didnt, what did it matter? She had a pile of it waiting.
Unironed vests. There were families thought that a disgrace, girls especially. Sophie. But the same with gambling, if people dont know about it. Not all gambling is bad. What about lotteries? people do lotteries. Ministers and priests so they can rebuild their churches, so gambling isnt bad, not as such. The ones Jesus threw out the temple were gambling, some of them.
Helen knew about gambling. That was the one thing. Mo forgot how experienced she was. It was not like ‘theory’. Mo knew in ‘theory’. Helen knew from experience, and that was the difference. People lost everything gambling, their lives too. People kill themselves. And through their stupidity other people might die, the very ones closest to them. Helen heard stories. Everybody did. This was the reality if you worked in the gambling business. It wasnt only money people lost, it only starts that way. Mr Adams said that. Money leads to other matters, and sometimes quickly, before you know where you are, you have gambled and you have lost, and what comes next depends on other things. Rich people can have different competitions; they compete in different ways, for different things, things invisible to ordinary people. Lives depend upon it. And not their own, never their own.
Mr Adams said things that were different but so true, they always sounded true. Mo would have liked him. Helen really really believed that. She never told Mo about him but if she did, perhaps she could. When he said things, you felt like it was obvious and wondered why other people didnt seem to know. He didnt gamble much. Not that Helen knew about. Perhaps he did and she didnt find out. She didnt see him doing it, because him doing it was invisible; to her it was. Invisible. He only had sex with her on one occasion, like proper occasion. That was so strange because he could have had it on other occasions. He didnt want to. Helen wouldnt have said no. Really, it was up to him. He only wanted to have her there beside him, just seeing her, that was it, looking at her. Some men were like that. Supposed to be. She didnt know them! She had a ‘beautiful body’! But she didnt. He said she did but it wasnt true. Her hips were too wide and her bum was so big, so big. It was always big. She never had slim hips; other girls did, they could be too slim; some were. Helen was slim from the waist up. But it didnt matter. Skinny ribs. You could see her ribs. Before she had Sophie she had no tummy at all. When she lay flat, it was like a bowl. Her ex said that. That was why he wanted her topless. Just show off your boobs. Nobody will see your ribs. That was him when they went to Majorca. You’ve got the biggest boobs. Who cares about your ribs. Nobody wants to see them. Your boobs are hanging down anyway so nobody will. If I was a woman I would show them off. What a fool he was. So stupid, so so stupid, and prejudiced, completely.
Anyway, it didnt matter. Prejudiced males were ten-a-penny. Never trust a word they say. That applied to most of them. Even Mo, sometimes it did. Imagine a break with other women. A long weekend. Just the company, having a laugh. There were clubs you could join and specialised holidays; only women went, they did painting and walks, sight-seeing, but proper sight-seeing, discovering about history and all different things; artefacts of archaeology. Women went together, all ages and all shapes and sizes and no one worrying about anything, what men said or anything about them, they just had no presence, no presence. When she first heard about the all-women holiday to the Greek islands it was the first name into her head. Lesbos. Just silliness. Lesbos. But it was a nice name. She liked it.
But he did make her shiver. It was an odd thing. An older guy. You would have expected her ex for that because of bodies. There was no comparison how his was better, more like ‘attractive’. Mr Adams’ body wasnt attractive at all. Not really, and she didnt think his — calling it penis, not how it looked, and it didnt go so hard, so she didnt — it wasnt so what you might think attractive. Helen didnt think so although she wasnt good on men. She didnt think she was. Jill was better. Helen liked Jill; it didnt matter she was posh. Caroline acted as if she and Helen should stick together. Helen didnt care about that. Anyway, Jill wasnt really posh, it was just her voice, and it was only English, upper English or what, middle class. Women like Jill have posh voices but only because it is English middle class. Caroline’s was English working class, so that and Scottish went together, so if they stuck together. Caroline thought they should. But not all Scottish was working class, some was posh, it just depended.
There was a drip at the kitchen sink, the tap there, it was so occasional it didnt seem like a drip at all but she found it aggravating. Then the effect it had on the heating system, if that knocking sort of clanking sound worsened. Mo spoke about fixing that but he couldnt, it was a specialised job. Why do men think they can do these things?
Oh God sinks, why was she thinking about sinks, she didnt want to think about sinks, damn sinks, bad enough with the ironing to do and she would have to do it.