But it would have been good to talk. Who to! There was nobody. Mo was the only one. Her friends in work were workmates. Perhaps if they met outside of work. That would have been nice, going for a coffee. If there was time, but it was difficult fitting things in. It had to be the day off. Although on some subjects you had to know the person. Who would you trust? Matters were private; you couldnt talk about everything, not to everybody. Not even Ann Marie, if she lived close by, although it would have been nice to chat. Anyway, it was Helen’s fault; she should have phoned a while ago. Just to say hullo. Although Ann Marie would only talk herself. That was what she did. The conversation would begin with Helen then it would be her and her problems. Ann Marie’s life was so taken up with the concerns of other people. Everything. Her parents every day of the week. My God it was so like just horrible, and drastic. Helen thought of it as drastic. It was your life but it wasnt, you had no control. You life was dominated by others. It was not them doing it but their lives. Their lives dominated yours. Yours was important too but somehow
what happened to it? You were just like an audience. It wasnt their fault it was just their lives, how what had happened to them was being overtaken: their lives were being overtaken. And it was true, when you listened, my God, how could people’s lives be like that? it was just like so so incredible what was happening to them, happening to their families. And they were happening right now like this very very minute these things were happening.
But in your life too things were happening. Your life was there and things were in it too, and that was important but who was it important to? Nobody apart from your own family. Nobody was interested. They were in a way but in another way they werent, they just switched the conversation, so you were left feeling what did it matter. You were the audience. They had celebrity lives and you were having to watch them talking about all what happened to them. It wasnt them dominating you, it was their lives; there was a difference. If it was only them it would be selfish. So you couldnt blame them, not the real person, only what was happening to them.
Only it would have been good to talk, you get left so you cant talk. That was how Helen felt. She couldnt talk and she didnt. She preferred that anyway. She didnt want to talk about her own life and what was going on. It would have driven her mad. People go mad. Their lives are so insane they became insane themselves, they have to. So they can cope. That was why celebrities were good. You heard what they had for dinner and how they liked cats better than dogs or if they were veggies or red-meat eaters and how they had to watch their calories because they wanted to become good dancers or practise their singing or take lessons to be a chef. Otherwise it was your own life and what happened in it. Your own world was so horrible and you wanted to shut it out. Their lives were so just — what were they? boring. That was what was good. It was all just stupid and silly, what they liked to eat, French or Italian and how their old grandmother always knew they would be rich and famous because that was their family, people always worked hard and were talented and went good holidays to where their family came from, wherever it was.
Oh well.
Tonight was another day. That was what nightshift workers said.
There were creaks in this house. Children were through the wall somewhere; forever thumping about. Helen didnt see them. Perhaps they were white. Most people were Asian or black but some were white. An old black woman came from the next house. Probably a grandmother and was looking after the children. Helen was envious. A mother to baby-sit. Although if Mum lived in London. Thank God she didnt.
Even to relax, it was good to relax. She couldnt have, if Mum was here she couldnt have. Because of whatever. This, that and the next thing.
So if it was Brian. If he had recognised her? If he had he would have been so so glad, so glad to see her. Why wouldnt he have been? Unless he was so far gone from the family he didnt want anything to do with anybody, including her, even especially her, if he had recognised her, he didnt want to see her, he didnt want to make the contact. The way he was looking in the taxi window. He was like staring straight at her. Really, he was. And his eyes were like quite frightening, my God they were, scary, that was what Caroline and Jill said, and Danny the driver too like what had he been? like so so wary, just so wary.
Perhaps he hated her. He couldnt hate her. Hate. Why would he hate, hate her? Hate.
A brother and sister; surely that meant something? He came home for Gran’s funeral but not Dad’s. So it was not like he disappeared off the face of the earth. Mum made the contact. Dad wouldnt have. So Mum knew how to reach him. But not when Dad died. It was the police traced him. So he was there for Gran’s funeral but not for Dad’s. Your own father. It was unforgivable. You couldnt have an excuse for that. It didnt matter the past and all what happened. That was over and done with. It was past tense. Get on with living, people have to. Somebody dies but the living go on, and they make a go of things. They have to. It isnt the whole world. Somebody dies everybody else lives. Bury the past. That is what people say. The past is past, it has passed. Brian and Mum were close. So were Helen and Dad. It happens in families; girl father, boy mother, it is so natural, a natural division, her and Dad, him and Mum; that is it, it is natural, it is not like lovers for goodness sake that isnt the relationship.
Life always goes on. So if Brian didnt care, neither did Helen. She didnt care either, so that was it too, if he didnt want to make contact with her, okay. It was a hard world out there. It wasnt only boys who had to stick up for themselves. If people try to hurt you you fight back. That was the world and that was what you did. If Brian didnt it was his fault. Boys laughed at Helen but it was not her it was him. Why didnt he fight them? He should have, boys look after girls.
What was Mo doing? He was through in the room, so he was doing something — getting ready to leave? Not yet surely. Nearly four o’clock, oh God, four o’clock, he was, it was time for him to leave.
Sophie glanced away from the television. Sophie said, Mummy are you saying something?
Helen smiled. How was school, you didnt tell me, was it good?
Yes.
So what happened? Sophie, what happened? if it was good.
We went to the park.
You went to the park! Helen frowned. You went to the park?
Sophie looked at her.
I thought you didnt go to the park?
It was a film about animals.
What was the park?
Sophie said, The teacher was showing us.
The teacher was showing you the park?
It was a film and it was about animals, people go on motor cars, it’s to a park and it’s animals they have there. Sophie spoke while staring at the television. Jonathan pushed me. He was pushing me all the time. I told the teacher.
A name like Jonathan, he sounds nice, he sounds a nice boy.
Mum can we do a jigsaw?
Yes. But wait till Mo’s gone.
Sophie sighed.
Because he’s going to work soon Sophie, we can play after dinner. I’m making a nice dinner.
Oh but Mum.