Fish and potatoes. Fish is good for you. It’s brain food, said Helen. Anyway, it isnt good if you tell the teacher on people.
Sophie glanced at her.
Even if a boy pushes you.
He always pushes me.
Because he likes you. Boys push girls because they like them.
Well it’s sore, I dont like it.
Can you push him back?
Sophie didnt answer.
Did you say it to Mo about him pushing you? I think he’ll say to push him back too.
The teacher said I’m not to.
Oh, well … Helen nodded. I dont think that’s right. Not to push people. If the teacher said that, did she say that? Sophie, did she say that? If they hit you first and you hit them back, did she say you werent to do it?
Sophie stared at the television.
Helen watched her for a moment. Did you push somebody?
No.
Did you push Jonathan?
He pushed me.
Did you push him back? Well you can, if he pushes you.
He likes Evie. He said my coat was funny.
Helen sighed.
He said it was all like painted.
Painted? Well I dont know why he said that. It’s a silly thing to say. Boys say silly things. Your coat isnt funny at all.
Mum can we not play the jigsaw?
No but you can play it yourself my girl because I’m starting the dinner.
Can Mo not do it?
No, he’s going to work soon.
He’s doing the computer.
Yes but he’s soon going.
Sophie sighed. Helen watched her. It was the sigh. Children sighing. Of course Helen herself, she was a champion sigher, and it irritated people.
Never mind.
Whatever Sophie was thinking. What did a child think? Sometimes she tensed. Why did she tense like that? So many things. Jonathan had three girlfriends and Sophie wanted to be the fourth. Three girls and she was the fourth. That sounded familiar.
The jigsaw was two years old and Sophie could finish it blindfold. So why not a new one? she had new ones, why not one of them? Oh no, it had to be the old one. A psychologist would know. It certainly was not Sophie’s father, and had nothing to do with any ‘happier’ time. Really, it didnt have that association. Helen would have known. It was her bought the damn thing and it wasnt even a birthday present, just one day they were out at a car-boot sale and she bought it back in Glasgow, that big one over in Royston that Mo discovered and loved all else in the entire whole world, so if that was the ‘happy memory’, Mo was there.
They went places here when they had the chance. Mo called it ‘hunting’. We are going ‘hunting’ this morning. Sunday morning was best. Coming off the Saturday nightshift she had an hour’s doze then it was the market and nice for Sophie that last time especially, seeing a wee girl from her school there with her parents. That was just so nice.
A car-boot sale was the most likely place for a folding bed, a proper one like Mum used to have, then if Brian, it would be there for emergencies, it would just be there, a proper one, if Brian. They had to be there for nine o’clock. So Mo said. Any later and why bother? By lunchtime people were packing up to go home. But it was true. But who cared if you were out for the day and it was family and you were just enjoying it all, and being out and just — life, it was life, life was good when it could be good, it was just so so good, really, and enjoyable. She would have to tell him about Brian.
Why?
But she would.
But why? If she told Mo she would have to find him because
why hadnt she already? She could have got out the damn taxi. If it was him she could have. Her own brother my God. And she didnt get out the taxi, she didnt even do that. If she had she would have known, if she had got out the taxi and just like my God imagine not getting out the taxi? Why hadnt she? That was the one thing. Even if she hadnt known for sure, even if she hadnt he would have, even after all these years, his little sister, it would have been overwhelming.
She wouldnt have had to ask him. All she had to do was open the door and step out. He would have known her. But she didnt do that, she didnt get out the taxi. That was so shocking, so so — really, it was. Mo would have been surprised, only because like family, families for him. But they werent all like his. His was strong, Helen’s wasnt.
That was the truth and only be honest. Helen felt that. She saw the time and reached to Sophie, clasping her shoulder. Sophie glanced at her. Helen didnt speak, she breathed deeply. Sophie smiled. Helen said, Is Mo on the computer?
Yes.
I’m going to see him.
Sophie got up from the chair.
You too?
Yes.
Oh well, girls together!
Sophie smiled. Helen pushed her ahead into the hallway and into the room. Mo looked up from his laptop. We’re just being nosey, said Helen, arent we Sophie?
No.
Yes we are.
No we arent.
Helen laughed.
But we arent Mum, we arent being nosey.
Helen had her arm round the girl’s shoulders and made a face at Mo. You see, we are not being nosey. But we did wonder why you were in here and not sitting beside us for the last five minutes before you go to work. Is that right Sophie?
Yes.
Yes. Helen nodded.
We’re going to do the jigsaw, said Sophie quickly.
Oh yeah, so that’s why you want me out of it!
Yes, said Sophie.
No! laughed Helen. Did nobody tell you you could do the computer on the kitchen table and not be out of everything and away from the company?
Mo smiled, lowering the lid of his laptop.
Seriously, you could.
I’ll remember that.
Well you better!
Because what we want to ask, and this is true that we do, that we want to aahhsk, just as a special fayyyvour, we want to aahhsk when you intend taking me and Sophie to see a movie! Because we want to see a movie. Sure we do Sophie? and we want Mr Noisy to take us?
Yes! cried Sophie.
You want me to take you to a movie? I dont believe it!
Mo rose from his chair, glancing at his wristwatch. Except for his shoes and coat he was already dressed for leaving.
Dont be so cheeky. Isnt he so very cheeky Sophie?
Yes.
Helen paused a moment. But it’s true that we dont go out very much.
I know.
We have to make time.
I been saying that for weeks!
I know you have.
Like I mean I really really want to go out.
Helen nodded. It was true that he did and she knew that he did. He had moved to lift something from the top of the dressing table; his wallet and keys. His phone lay next to his laptop and she passed it to him.
Ta, he said, reminds me about yours. You need it fixed dont you!
Well no actually I think I need a new one.
Oh right yeah …
Sophie had let go Helen’s hand, she walked across to the window. Some of her dolls and things were here in boxes. She knelt on the floor to take them out. Helen watched her lining the first few along the window ledge. Mo turned to leave. Helen said, But it’s true, we really dont go out much.
You’re telling me, he said.
Oh Mo …
What?
Helen shook her head.
What is it? You okay?
Helen put her hand to her mouth, unable to answer. Mo stepped in front of Helen. He gripped her by the wrists, not forcibly; yet there was a pressure, however slight. He whispered: What’s wrong love?
She shook her head with as little movement as possible, so that Sophie wouldnt notice. Sophie’s concentration was to her toys. Mo relaxed his grip and dropped her hands, glanced at his wristwatch. Helen turned from him. She left the room. He followed her. Inside the kitchen entrance he put his arms round her. Helen what’s wrong?
She couldnt speak.