So why come to her table? Was that not silly? just foolish. Helen, you are slick. Of course Helen was ‘slick’; it was her job to be ‘slick’. You take my money why do you take my money? Silly man.
Concentration concentration. She looked up from the baize. Her eyelids flickered. Waves in her tummy, slight little things, butterflies.
Nothing about the time forget the time, nothing nothing nothing, the cards the people the money; what was the order? it didnt matter the order, people money cards, oglers.
Nerves, because Brian, what if he was there?
Oh God the time the time what was the time?
Oh well, if he was he was.
But it was true and she had to think because what was she going to do! It was nearly time and she was going home; she would be. Very soon; very very soon, that would be her, my God, if she shared Danny’s taxi, like just as usual. Because with Caroline and Jill like if she didnt share with them, what would they think? They would think something. Better they didnt. Better she went home with them, same as usual, got off at her street same as usual, then when Danny’s taxi was out of sight she would jump the next one back into the city. She had enough money, she had brought enough.
Helen knew what she was doing. She had thought about what she was doing. The whole damn day.
But she did know. Because there was a good chance they would be in the same area, roughly speaking, at roughly the same time. People are people, creatures of habit, him with the limp and the tall skinny one, and if it was, imagine it was. Although it was unlikely. But you never know, because with Brian, Brian was Brian.
Taxis were so so expensive; going home then back was like a return so twice the money my God it was like half a night’s work to pay for it, a third. It was just so much. She would have to tell Mo. There was no choice because it wasnt fair if it was house-money, extra for this and extra for that on top of the debt my God two taxis was like a day out for the three of them it was so — indulgent.
Although if she had to do it. So it was not ‘indulgent’, not if she had to. If it was Brian. She would never forgive herself and like Mo too, if she told him. And she would tell him, whether she found Brian or not, he would have to know because if he didnt oh God that would be so bad of her. It would be. Because not taking him into her confidence like not trusting him and she did trust him, above all, she trusted him.
It was true! She trusted Mo, she really really did. He was her family, so if it was Brian. If it was Brian it was Brian.
She closed her eyes, rubbed at the side of her face. Why did people not go home? And Helen too, if only
only only, only the lonely,
a card a card a card,
So if he was ill. Perhaps he was. He had been a good big brother to her. If it was him. If it was. Only she had to know. She at least would say hullo. So if he was homeless. Poor Brian. None of it mattered, bloody oglers and nonsense.
What time was it?
Hi … came the whisper. The relief Inspector had moved in behind Helen’s chair as she dealt. Felix, quite a tough-looking guy. Her knight in shining armour! She knew he liked her. At least he wasnt creepy. And his lips. Some lips she didnt like. He leaned closer: Okay?
Yes. Helen smiled.
The ogler and his mate had gone. When had they gone? If management wanted to stop the ogling they would give the girls different-style dresses, higher necklines to begin with. Roll-neck collars. Scarves and overcoats.
Perhaps Felix had a word in his ear; whatever. She hadnt noticed him leave. Things happen. People come people go. A young man was in his seat. Helen smiled and he smiled back. A hand later she bought two 10s to bust so now everybody was smiling. What a wonderful world. It put people off if you always won.
She paid out the winning bets. ‘Wealthy woman’ reached for hers then gathered in all of her chips. Her man had beckoned! He had, he had finished with the roulette and was signalling her. Dance to your daddy. ‘Wealthy woman’ rose from the table.
Helen smothered a yawn. The relief Inspector had moved to another table. Across the floor she saw Caroline walking. Thank God.
On the next round the marker appeared; she collected the discards to begin the shuffling process. But Rob was there, her relief croupier. He winked. He was only young. She felt like hugging him. She really did. Not because he was nice, although he was, but too young, it was just that she
she was glad. What about? She didnt know, like a break, that was all, she needed a break, like from everything, just everything. She had no illusions. What about?
Anything; anything and nothing.
She smiled and was tired.
Jill had gone on ahead to pacify the grumpy male. Although what difference did it make to Danny the driver? If it was a contract hire. They were waiting on Caroline who was still in front of the mirror, still fixing her hair, having her ‘last sip’ of tea and yapping about her two sons. Nothing changes. Actually it was relaxing. Even the gossipy nosiness, Helen quite liked it. Except she went on and on and people were waiting. Helen glanced at her watch again, checking the time by the clock on the wall.
Caroline noticed: Sorry sorry, she said.
Helen was about to speak, she smiled instead. One ‘sorry’ would have been ‘sorry’, two meant she wasnt really.
That’s me now, said Caroline, making to get up from the chair, but instead she peered at her telephone; was she going to text somebody? and another ‘last sip’ of tea. Why, why did she do that? She knew people were waiting on her but still she did it.
Why have a last cup of tea at all? Although Helen could have done with one herself, except there was no time. Plenty time but no time. Was that life? That was life. Hers anyway. Caroline could but Helen couldnt, or wouldnt. Workmates are friends too. If a friend doesnt want you doing something then you shouldnt do it, not if they dont want you to, if it is a friend. What else is a friend? You watch out for friends, you make allowances.
The door had opened and Jill appeared, and Jill was a friend. She didnt have to speak.
Caroline poked her tongue out at her, making fun of the situation. Jill smiled slightly and retreated. Caroline said, Denny’s been waiting for ten minyoots — in a vague imitation of Jill’s voice — then added, I think she’s annoyed at me.
Caroline had returned her attention to the mirror but now she had the telephone in her hand again. Comical and sad. Helen didnt feel anything, annoyed or what, nothing. She lifted her bag from the table, buttoning her coat.
Outside she walked to the cab. She gave Jill a wave. Danny was standing chatting to the driver of another cab. He saw Helen but didnt acknowledge her. Too cool. That was a thing with guys like him, how they were so cool, they were just like so cool.
The other driver was Nicky. He was okay. There were times his gaze lingered. Not only was he fifty years of age he had a bald head and a stupid moustache; father of four, still wanting to look. Look but dont touch. It would have been funny if it wasnt so
what?
God, what did it matter? Cheery … Sometimes anyway, that sort of male stupidity, it cheered her up. It was like the real world, coming after the casino, that coldness, there was a coldness. She wasnt always so sensitive to it but tonight she had been. She didnt blame people, it was just something, an overall — some feeling she had, she couldnt describe it, you cant always, Helen couldnt. Sophie once complained about her skin being too tight. Oh Mum, and stroking her arms when she spoke, she said her body was bursting, the skin was too tight for it and it needed more, more skin. What did that mean? It was a while ago she said it. But what did it mean? These things children say, they mean something and you cant work it out. A pure physical thing. Uncomfortable in your skin.