Then stories. Azizah read to Sophie the last thing at night, and some went on and on forever the way Sophie spoke about them, and they were like scary too; some were; people getting their heads chopped up into little pieces, chased into deep valleys by elephants and boa-constrictors; they were more like boys’ stories, but Sophie liked them. Children were an alien species. Of course the stories were exciting but they had to get to sleep. So if Azizah started the story too late. No wonder she was tired in the morning. It explained things too about her concentration, how she got so involved in things, and didnt hear you talking; she just seemed to switch off from listening. People did that. When things got tough how else could you cope?
Oh God.
But it was true. You had to survive. So you had to switch off. You did. It was sophisticated too, behaviour, sophisticated behaviour, for her age, really, quite mature
Helen was shivering, rocking from one foot to the other, so that was skin, that was flesh, flesh and bones and everything. It wasnt that cold either, not temperature-wise, but she really was shivering, she was, like nerves, nervy she was nervy, she was, very very nervy; this shivering, she couldnt stop, so so just oh God, she felt so
folding her arms; no wonder just no wonder.
Oh well, she had to. Had to what? Relax, if she could. She could, she had to, she had to just like be ready. Because things
Across the road a queue formed at the taxi-rank. This time of the morning people were still going and coming, mostly from clubbing, sitting in all-night restaurants or wherever else people went — casinos. Why did they go out in the first place? Some would have had nice houses, gardens and kitchens, and a proper bathroom where you had an actual bath, imagine a bath, like being able to relax and just lie. Imagine being in the bath and a magazine and hot chocolate, that was you and your day-off, last thing at night and Sophie asleep and you were there in the house and able to just — if you ran the bath, relaxing and nothing at all, not even anything to think about
Oh God stupidity.
There were others just hanging around the way people did up west; guys you didnt want to know, looking at you in that way they did.
Three girls passed, wearing hardly a stitch and talking in loud voices; teens. They must have been freezing. Just looking at them made Helen feel old. How long since she had been one of them? Never.
Not true. But why were they so loud!
Helen enjoyed clubbing. She used to anyway. Not nowadays, not so much, all the bodies, all close up and breathing over you, people out their mind, beer-soaked breath and cigarette smells, and these big guys, just like big guys; forget zombies, although some of them my God that is what they were, zombies, then if they slipped you something.
Nicky’s taxi had gone. Danny was standing by the door of his, hands in pockets and whistling a wee tune, acting like he didnt care. Helen whispered to Jill, I know where she’ll be, she’ll be having a smoke.
Jill didnt respond.
She’ll have come by the back door exit and round the alley.
Yes.
I dont know why she does it; we’re always last.
Jill shrugged. She doesnt want to go home.
Perhaps she’s having an affair. Sorry, said Helen. Only it explains things. The thought just struck me; sorry. Helen got into the back of the cab. She closed her eyes a moment.
Jill followed her into the middle of the back seat. Now Caroline appeared from the rear of the building. Jill whispered, You were right about smoking.
Helen whispered, I didnt mean anything about what I said there, about the other thing, it just came out.
Caroline had the cigarette in one hand, telephone in the other, snatching a last puff before flinging the butt into the gutter, and moving to enter the passenger side. She pulled shut the door, mouthing an apology while affixing the seatbelt.
Danny waited a few moments before entering the driver’s seat. He shut the door firmly, stared into the rear-view mirror a moment longer. Helen saw his eyes. Eventually he said, That us now girls? Our little noses all powdered?
I dont know about yours, muttered Caroline.
Now dont be like that, he said.
Sarcastic bugger.
Yeh dear yeh, but with a home to go to.
Home for the disturbed, she muttered.
Helen smiled. She muttered something else and Helen smiled at that too, whatever it was, the same old stuff, repartee. Jill wasnt listening but gazing out the other side window, in her own wee world, wherever that was, dreams, nice things, perhaps not; she also had her troubles, poor Jill. Poor everybody. Having to bother about everybody. Nobody was there for her but she was to be there for them. True. That was how it felt. Brian was lovely and a good big brother, he had been. But he wasnt there. She would have liked him to be but he wasnt. But she was to do it for him, whatever, she had to do it, and be there, she had to be there. The whole thing, it was just like
escaping
Imagine your own car. She wouldnt have had to wait for anybody. She could drive it to work. Central London was a nightmare, but people did find parking places. It could even be south of the river. Some did that, then took a tube or a bus. Not worrying about other people, they could do what they wanted. That would be good in itself, that would just be like so so good, worth any hassle for the independence. And they could go places. Sophie would love it. Helen would have to drive because Mo didnt.
Except London traffic, but she would get used to that too. The coast wasnt far either. Oh my God seeing the sea, she so missed the sea. All these wee towns and the country roads, exploring them. Mo would learn. He would. She would teach him. Imagine not having a licence. What you need a car for? That was Mo. Nobody needs a car in London. Yes but to get out of London, that was the point. Everybody would if they could, summer especially.
My God the junction already, that was her head.
Danny was not stopping. The lights were green. They were green and not for changing. So no need to stop. If there was none, no need.
She looked out both side windows, nobody, nothing. She had assumed they would stop and they didnt. Oh well.
Goodness but it was a surprise. She hadnt expected this to happen. She did but she didnt.
Unanswerable questions. If the pair had appeared. She would have asked Danny to stop the taxi, and got out. She wouldnt have said why. Or drove on to the next set of traffic lights, got off there and walked back, even from across the river, or else — whatever, just whatever. But she couldnt have done that because what people would have said, if she was getting off there, why would she have been? It was just like — she couldnt have done.
Caroline was speaking to Jill. What about? They would have assumed Helen was listening. Whatever they were talking about. But Helen wasnt listening. She couldnt have anyway because they were leaning forward with their heads turned to each other. Helen would have had to sit forwards on the edge of the seat and just like whatever because the way they were speaking, it was very hard to hear.
But if the two men had been there! Stop stop! Let me out let me out! Imagine they had been and she did. What would they think? The worst. Whatever it was. People always think the worst. But who could have guessed the truth? Nobody. So it was hardly their fault. Helen couldnt have blamed them. She wouldnt anyway, they were decent friends. Workmates. She didnt meet them outside. She didnt meet anybody outside. She didnt want to. She had Sophie and that was enough, her and Mo.