This is my friend Caitlin, Michael says.
I feel proud to hear him say that.
She can burp her ABCs!
No way!
Really?
You can?
Do it!
And I do. They think I am awesome. And we make other noises and roll our tongues and cross our eyes and wiggle our ears and hop in a circle and before I know it the bell rings and they all run to the teacher.
I feel like Snow White because now I have a bunch of little dwarf friends who love me. I may not know how Scout’s overalls feel but I think I know how Snow White’s shoes feel because now I know why Snow White was happy.
CHAPTER 16
THE LIST
I’M BACK IN DEVON’S ROOM staring up at SCOUT carved into the wood and seeing my special name makes me feel good. Devon said his favorite part in To Kill a Mockingbird is where Scout talks to the crowd of angry men and makes them go away. All she says is hi and that she knows their kids from school. Then all the angry men leave. I don’t Get It. But Devon says that’s exactly what I’m like because I say stuff that’s obvious and people go, Oh, and it makes them think. He says I can solve a lot of problems just by being like Scout. Except I haven’t found Closure. I wonder if I’m more like Scout will I be able to find Closure? Dad said no about the Scout haircut but maybe I could dress like Scout. I suck on my sleeve and wonder if I could wear Scout overalls like Michael. I wonder what Devon would say about Scout overalls?
After a while I decide to get my Dictionary even though I’ve looked up Closure thirty-seven times and it still doesn’t help. I crawl out of my hidey-hole to go to my room and I see the woodworking books on the floor and read them instead. I see new words that sound cool like dado and kerf and tenon and mortise. I finish the three woodworking books which are pretty short and the Scout manual. I look under Devon’s comforter that’s on the floor to see if there are any other books. There aren’t. But there’s a piece of spiral notebook paper with Devon’s handwriting.
It says EAGLE SCOUT PROJECT on top.
Underneath it says, Mission-style chest with two shelves and one door.
Then there’s a list:
Quarter-cut oak
Circular saw or table saw
Plane
Router
Saber saw
Drill
Bar clamps or pipe clamps
Woodworker’s glue
Sander
Wood screws
Hinges
Tack cloth
Wipe-on polyurethane varnish
Protective eyeglasses and ear protection
And at the very bottom it says this:
Practice teaching woodworking steps to Scout. Once
she gets it, set up meeting to teach troop.
I stare at the paper. He was going to teach me woodworking. And I realize that he taught me everything I know and now I may never Get anything ever again because he’s not here to teach me.
I don’t feel good in this room anymore so I go get my purple fleece and wrap it around me and go to the living room. I get partly under the sofa cushion but leave an opening so I can stare out at Devon’s chest.
Dad sits down on the floor next to me. I can see his work pants and boots. Are you okay?
I stare at the chest.
He sighs. His hands drop onto his legs and he sighs again. Listen. Caitlin. It’ll be your birthday before long. What would you like to do?
Last year Devon took me to the mall. Limited Too. He said I need to wear clothes that don’t make me look weird. He told me which clothes they were. I didn’t like the first seventeen tops he picked.
The first one was pink. Pink is the color of medicine and feels drippy and sicky.
The second one had a tag that itched.
The third one felt like carnivorous dinosaur skin and I would be eaten alive.
The fourth one had a stripe at an angle and was evil.
It’s not evil, Devon said.
It’s evil, evil, evil! I said, and I screamed until he put his hand over my mouth and I bit his finger hard and he tried to get his finger out of my mouth but I wouldn’t let him until I saw the tears coming out of his eyes. He crumpled on the floor holding his finger tight and his face went red and I realized for the first time that Devon feels pain.
And now I wonder if he felt pain on The Day Our Life Fell Apart?
I feel a cold hand on my arm and I flinch. It’s Dad. Caitlin. What do you want to do for your birthday?
I whisper that I want Devon to take me to the mall.
Dad moves around so his head is peeking in at me. What?
I want Devon to take me shopping like he did last year.
Dad puts his head down so his chin touches his chest. He says nothing for a while. Then he looks up. He can’t.
But it’s MY birthday and that’s what I want.
He sighs and explains that Devon is no longer with us and is in Heaven with my mother and the two of them are looking down on us and will always love us.
I know that. Why is he explaining it all? Is he reminding himself?
When he finally finishes I say, I still want him to take me.
Dad shakes his head and he stares at the carpet but his eyes are watery. Maybe he’s stuffed-animaling. Finally he says he will get dinner started. This means the conversation is over.
I push my head farther under the sofa cushion but it doesn’t swallow me up like I want it to.
CHAPTER 17
KEEP YOUR PANTS ON
I’M DOING MUCH BETTER AT keeping pace with Mrs. Brook at recess. She says I don’t look like I’m marching in step anymore so it’s much more natural AND she says that shows a lot of finesse. I smile until she says the next thing.
Your dad is worried that you might not understand that Devon… isn’t alive. He tells me you say, Devon says this or Devon does that, as if he’s still alive.
I do say that but it doesn’t mean I think he’s still alive. He was alive when he said those things though.
Your dad said you want Devon to take you shopping.
I do.
But Devon can’t take you shopping. Do you understand that?
Yes. But he asked what I want. That’s what I want. I know I can’t have it.
I see. When you’re talking with your dad about Devon you might want to make it clear that you understand he’s now gone.
Will that make Dad happy?
I think so. Yes.
Fine. I’ll try.
Mrs. Brook smiles. You know what? You’re starting to show empathy.
I am?
You feel for your dad. You know he’s hurting and you want to make him happy. That’s wonderful.