I nod even though I’m not sure I completely understand.
She starts talking about friends again but I stop her.
I already made one, I tell her. In fact I have seven little dwarf friends.
She tilts her head. Then she shakes it. I’m talking about real people Caitlin.
Me too. They’re first graders. I think. At least Michael is.
She does her turtle neck jerk. Michael Schneider?
I don’t know. Does he wear a red Potomac Nationals baseball cap?
He often does. Caitlin. Do you remember the name of the teacher who was killed at the middle school?
Of course. It was Mrs. Roberta L. Schneider. And then I think about Michael’s last name. Oh. Are they related?
Mrs. Brook nods. Michael’s mother.
I knew his mother was dead but I didn’t know she was shot like Devon. Is that why he was at the memorial service?
Yes. I think all of us were at the memorial service. We’re a small enough town that we’re like one big family. But… still… how odd for you two to find each other.
It’s not odd, I say. I’m at little kid recess now. Remember? And he was crying the first time I saw him so I was being nice to him. And he knew about Devon. He said I was the weirdo whose —
The what? Mrs. Brook jerks her neck again.
He didn’t really mean weirdo. He said he was sorry. He’s nice. And so am I. So it’s not odd for us to be friends.
She smiles. You’re right. I think you and Michael have a very important friendship.
Me too. I’m glad I have stickers and gummy worms for him.
When little kid recess starts I give Michael more planet stickers and all the gummy worms in my pocket.
Thanks! He looks at the worms. What are their names?
I start to name them but then I stop. You can name them.
He grins. He dangles the orange one in front of me and then the red. This is Henry and this is Mudge.
Like in the book, I say.
He nods. And these two green ones are Frog and Toad. Have you read those books?
I have all of those books.
Me too, he says. Hey guess what!
What?
My teacher says we’re getting fifth-grade reading buddies! Will you be my buddy?
I haven’t heard anything about fifth-grade buddies. I don’t know if I’m doing it. Maybe they do it during first recess when I have Mrs. Brook time.
He shakes his head. Nope. It’s at the end of the day. It starts Thursday.
Oh. I wonder if Mrs. Johnson told us and I just wasn’t listening. Sometimes that happens. A lot.
Hey guess what? Michael says. It’s Tyler’s birthday. We got cookies with gummy bears on them.
Lucky.
And he’s having a skating party on Saturday. What kind of party are you having?
What?
You said your birthday is next month.
It is.
So what kind of party are you having?
I don’t have parties.
Oh. What do you do?
I go to the mall with my brother.
His Bambi eyes open wide and he doesn’t say anything for a few seconds. Isn’t your brother dead?
Yes. But I still want to do it.
He nods slowly. I know. I still want to do stuff with my mom too.
I feel glowy and warm because Michael Gets It. My dad doesn’t Get It, I tell him.
My dad doesn’t Get It either.
Does he still want to play football?
Michael sighs. All the time.
He must really love football.
Yeah. I don’t think he’s very good at it though.
Why not?
I heard my grandmother say that he’s keeping his head up but pretty soon he’s going to crash and burn.
I turn and Look At The Person. You mean in a car accident?
Michael Looks At The Person too. No. It means he’s going to be really bad at something. My grandmother says that kind of stuff all the time. She says shake a leg when she wants you to hurry and perk up your ears when she wants you to listen and be a doll when she wants you to get her a glass of iced tea.
I can’t help giggling. I try to picture a doll holding a glass of iced tea.
Michael laughs too. Want to know my favorite thing she says? When she wants you to be patient she says… keep your pants on!
I laugh too. Why would you take your pants off?
I don’t know! He howls.
And we both end up giggling until the bell rings.
When I get home I remember what Mrs. Brook said about Dad and Devon and I have a plan to make everything okay. I sit on the sofa and start talking about Devon a lot except I don’t call him Devon anymore. I call him Devon-who-is-dead. I say it until Dad asks me to stop.
But that’s his name.
No. His name is Devon.
No. His name WAS Devon. Now it’s Devon-who-is-dead. That’s different from the other Devon. That Devon was alive and you thought I was confused but I’m not because I know that Devon is dead and that’s why I’m calling him Devon-who-is-dead and you’ll get used to it.
No I won’t. I’ll feel like crying every time you say it.
Even if I say it fifty times?
Yes.
Even a hundred times?
Yes.
Even a thousand times?
Caitlin. I get upset even thinking about it so I’ll definitely feel like crying every time you say it.
I’m only saying it because you’re upset that I think Devon is still alive so I’m showing you I Get It that Devon is dead.
Dad shakes his head and leaves the living room.
I stare at the chest and wish for the millionth time that Devon were here because even when I try to Get It I still don’t Get It.
CHAPTER 18
A PLAN FOR HEALING
MICHAEL IS RIGHT. WE ARE DOING reading buddies. When my class walks into the library Michael’s class is already sitting in a circle on the floor crisscross-applesauce. We open and close our hands three times to each other. It’s our special wave. He’s grinning so much it reminds me to smile.
Mrs. Brook is there too and she’s also smiling. Hi Caitlin.
I start shaking my hands. It’s not Mrs. Brook time yet. I have to read to Michael.
Her smile goes away too. Actually we’re pairing Michael and Josh up.
I Look At The Person. Why? He’s evil!
Josh stands up and stares at me. He blinks fast and sits down again.
Shhh! Caitlin! Mrs. Brook whispers. That’s not nice.