CAITLIN! Emma yells. That was so mean! Didn’t anyone ever tell you how to be a friend?
That’s when I realize that maybe I should listen to Mrs. Brook when she talks about friends. Now that Devon isn’t here to tell me.
I try to say that purple is actually my favorite color but too many of the girls are yelling at me. They say that Rachel will be self-conscious and embarrassed and it’s all my fault.
I hate self-conscious and embarrassed. I decide to help Rachel. I’m a very helpful person. I look around the room but I know there’s no place for her to hide. There’s no sofa or blanket or anyplace where she can be in her Personal Space and not have people staring at her.
Then I have an idea. I pull her desk out of the row and push it all the way to the back corner of the room and shove it up against the wall where the terrarium was until the turtle died.
I hear voices saying, What is she doing?
She’s such a weirdo!
She’s finally cracked!
But I don’t care. I’m being a friend.
I go back and get Rachel’s chair and put it under her desk so it’s facing the corner. Now no one can see her face and she can hide from everyone. I’m happy until Emma and Rachel come back and Rachel starts crying again and Emma starts yelling and pulls the desk out of the corner and I try to stop her and Mrs. Johnson comes in and says, What in the world is going on?
Emma says how mean I’m being and Mrs. Johnson gives me her pinched lip stern look and says, What’s this all about? And I tell her I’m just trying to be a friend.
Some of the boys laugh but the girls are mad and Mrs. Johnson takes me all the way to Mrs. Brook’s room herself even though I know how to get there.
I sit at Mrs. Brook’s table and cry because even though I Work At It I still don’t Get It. I was being a friend!
I know you were, Mrs. Brook says, and I know that you might feel comforted by sitting in the corner and not having people look at you but Rachel doesn’t.
Why not?
To Rachel it felt like you didn’t want to see her so you wanted to get rid of her by putting her in a corner.
That’s not what I meant!
I know but try to put yourself in her shoes.
I Look At The Person.
Empathy, Mrs. Brook says. Remember? It means to try to feel the way someone else is feeling. You step out of your own shoes and put on someone else’s because you’re trying to BE that person for a moment. In Rachel’s case you want to try to feel how she might feel having all those obvious injuries.
I can’t because it didn’t happen to ME. I don’t have bandages or a purple scratched-up face so how am I supposed to know how it feels?
I think you can learn empathy. Mrs. Brook smiles at me. In fact I’m sure of it. She goes on to explain life the way Rachel sees it.
I listen but I don’t want to tell her that it’s not life how I see it. I also don’t want to tell her that I’m not sure I can learn how to do empathy. She seems so sure that I can.
I look down at my shoes. Quietly I slip them off. My feet feel cold and clammy because my socks are sweaty. I carefully touch my toes onto the floor which is hard and cold. I pull my feet off of the floor and shove them back into my sneakers. At least I tried dipping my toe in empathy.
CHAPTER 20
EMPATHY
I STARE AT THE SIGN I PUT ON Devon’s door for a long time. I realize they are the first eyes I have ever drawn. And how much they look like Devon’s. I wonder how the picture would look if I put the eyes together with the broken nose and his mouth. It would be a complete face. Of Devon. And I would always know what he looked like even when I grow up. He could always be with me.
I wonder if putting a whole face together would help bring me closer to Closure. If it’s split apart into pieces then wouldn’t putting all the pieces together bring Closure? But I’ve never done a whole face before. I don’t want to mess it up. It has to be right.
I hear Dad turning off Fox Five News and sighing. I remember what Mrs. Brook said about practicing empathy and I go into the living room and look at Dad’s shoes.
Hi Dad.
Hi Caitlin.
I’m not sure what to say next. His shoes don’t give me any clues. Um… so how are you?
Dad looks up from the sofa. Actually I’m dealing with a lot of stuff right now.
Oh. Are you looking for Closure?
In a way. Yes.
Me too. Maybe you can come see Mrs. Brook. She said you could do that sometimes even though mostly she has to see the kids at school.
Dad nods.
Maybe you could see someone else too.
Dad doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t even nod.
Maybe you could find some answers in books.
Thanks Caitlin. I appreciate it but I’ll figure out a way.
When?
I don’t know. I think it’ll take a long long time.
How are you going to do it?
I don’t even know where to begin. He stares at the rug.
Even when the phone rings.
Phone, I tell him.
It rings again. Phone.
And again. PHONE, I say LOUD in case he didn’t hear.
Please answer it, he says.
I get a recess feeling in my stomach. I hate answering the phone. I don’t know who it will be or what they will say.
The phone rings two more times.
CAITLIN PLEASE!
I run to the phone and grab it because I hate shouting even worse than the phone. At least you can hang up the phone.
Hello, says the voice. Hello?
It sounds like Aunt Jolee.
Is anyone there?
Dad and I are here, I say.
Oh Caitlin! It’s you. Hi!
I wait for her to talk more.
Are you still there?
Yes.
Oh. I wasn’t sure because you weren’t talking.
That’s because you were talking and it’s rude to talk when someone else is talking.
Oh… well… so… what are you up to?
Talking on the phone. With you.
Can I speak with your dad?
I look at the sofa. Dad is still staring at the spot on the rug. He’s dealing with a lot of stuff right now. But he won’t read any books about it or go see Mrs. Brook or any other counselor.
Dad looks up from the sofa. Who is it?
Aunt Jolee. I think. Wait. Is this Aunt Jolee?
Yup! You guessed!
It’s Aunt Jolee.
He oofs like all the air goes out of him when he stands up and reaches for the phone.
I give it to him.
He leans against the wall. Hi Jo-Jo.
Jo-Jo is Dad’s name for Aunt Jolee. It’s a nickname. Like Scout. Dad is Aunt Jolee’s big brother. Like Jem. Like Devon. Like Devon WAS. Dad still has Aunt Jolee’s finger-painted handprint from when she was in kindergarten. It’s in a little blue frame on the wall by the TV. It says TO HARE on it because when she was five she wasn’t very smart and couldn’t spell Dad’s name the right way which is Harry.