Dad shakes his head while he talks to Aunt Jolee. I can’t afford to see a counselor.
Silence.
What insurance? I don’t have any insurance.
Silence.
Do you know how much it costs to see a counselor?
Silence.
Even clinics charge something unless you make no money at all and I’m not quitting my job just so I can see a counselor.
Silence.
Yes I’m sure it’d help her but she’s got the counselor at school at least. I don’t know what else to do.
Silence.
I know Jo-Jo. Of course you can’t leave them. They’re too young. Dad is nodding. I wish you lived closer too. You’re still my best… friend. When he says the word friend a cry comes out of him.
He slides down the wall and sits on the floor. He drops his head and tries to cover it with the hand that’s not holding the phone but I can see his head shaking along with his hand and the phone. I can hear him sniffing too. Then he takes a deep breath and looks up at Aunt Jolee’s handprint on the wall and says, Thank you.
I try not to listen to Dad because I’ve had all the empathy I can take right now. Empathy can make you feel really sad.
I put my head under the sofa cushion and peek out at Devon’s chest.
I hear Dad say Thank you again.
I keep staring at Devon’s chest because it makes me feel like a little bit of him is still here. Even though I know he’ll never be able to teach me how to make a chest. Even though he won’t be able to teach me anything. Even though I’ll never see him again and won’t ever be able to look at him and say, Thank you.
The more I look at the chest the more I start turning it from a sharp-shaped sheet into something soft. I guess I’m stuffed-animaling even though I don’t mean to. It’s easy when your eyes are already blurry.
CHAPTER 21
NO MRS. BROOK
THE REST OF THE CLASS RUNS out of the classroom to go to recess. I get up to go to Mrs. Brook time and I decide to ask her if Dad can come see her since she doesn’t charge insurance. At least she never charges me insurance. And she said she could see him even though he’s a grown-up.
Mrs. Johnson says, Oh Caitlin. I almost forgot. Mrs. Brook isn’t here.
I know. She’s in her room.
No. She had to go out of town.
Why?
Her sister is having difficulty with her pregnancy.
I Look At The Person.
Mrs. Johnson looks at the floor and then at me. She’s having a lot of trouble with her twin babies who aren’t born yet.
I thought babies were only a lot of trouble after they were born.
Sometimes it’s before and after. So Mrs. Brook is going to see what she can do to help her sister. She sighs. I hope everything goes well.
I wonder what that means. What if it doesn’t?
I just mean I hope the babies… are fine.
What if they’re not? What’ll be wrong with them?
I’m sure they’ll be fine. Pregnancy is just… hard.
How does she know? Are you pregnant?
Mrs. Johnson’s face turns pinkish. N-no.
I don’t want to be pregnant either, I say. I have enough hard things to Deal With.
Mrs. Johnson lets me sit in the classroom instead of going to recess. She gives me paper so I can draw. I decide to draw a picture for Mrs. Brook of some stuffed animals looking at the Facial Expressions Chart because I have that chart memorized.
Mrs. Johnson says I should write a letter to Mrs. Brook to go with my drawing. I sigh because I’d rather draw but Mrs. Johnson Looks At The Person hard so I write the letter even though I’m much better at drawing than writing and Mrs. Johnson should know that by now.
Dear Mrs. Brook I’m sorry about your difficult sister and the babies who are still inside of her causing trouble. I hope they start behaving so you can come back soon. I will even practice my finesse and keep pace with you when we walk. And I promise I will be your friend. Scout’s honor.
Caitlin Ann Smith.
CHAPTER 22
DRAWINGS
DAD SAYS WE’RE GOING TO A FUN raiser for the families of the people who were shot. He says it’s being given by people who care about us and want to help us and even though I don’t like crowds we still have to go because we have to show we appreciate what they’re doing for us and we should act like we appreciate it and like we want to be there even if we don’t because no one has to do a fun raiser but they’re doing it anyway.
I want to go, I tell him, so you can stop making excuses. A fun raiser sounds like a good thing.
He stops talking. He tilts his head like he doesn’t Get It. I don’t know why.
What kind of fun things will there be? I ask.
He shrugs. I think there’s a silent auction and a raffle and I’m not sure what else.
Oh. That doesn’t sound like much fun.
Cait-LIN, he says in his warning voice.
Okay okay.
The fun raiser is in the Virginia Dare Middle School cafeteria. When we get out of the car near the cafeteria door Dad stops and stares at the school for a moment. He blinks a lot and swallows hard so the lump that sticks out of his throat keeps going in and out. Finally he takes a sharp breath before he pulls the door open.
The noise spills out and it smells like soggy spaghetti and the light makes me squint. Almost immediately bodies cover us like we are germs and they are the white blood cells sent to surround and destroy us. I think I will choke. I grab Dad’s hand. It’s big and hairy and sweaty but I Deal With It because otherwise I think I will be smothered.
This is my daughter Caitlin, Dad says.
Hello Caitlin, a voice says. How are you?
I keep looking at the ground. Dad’s head comes down to my face. Remember to Look At The Person and say something nice.
I don’t Look At The Person but I say nice stuff. I’m ten. My birthday is next month. My favorite color is purple. My favorite game is Mario Kart but any video game is fine. My favorite video is Bambi except lately I don’t like it so much.
Oh… well… that’s nice, the voice says, and the body moves away.
Dad says, Not so much about yourself next time.
I try to tell him I’m being helpful because I’m giving people information about what I want for my birthday in case they want to buy me something but Dad introduces me to another person.
This time I Look At The Hat which at least is close to The Person. The Hat is the size of an umbrella and that gives me an idea of what to say. When people say it’s raining cats and dogs it isn’t really. That just means it’s raining a lot. But it can rain frogs if they get sucked up in a storm and they plop down on top of your head. Also snow can be pink if red dirt dissolves in water that evaporates and —