I know. He grins. You already did.
Hello Caitlin, Michael’s dad says. He waves from a few seats away because Josh is sitting on the other side of Michael. Josh is all dressed up in a suit like he’s going to church. He says, Hi, too but he doesn’t Look At The Person.
I don’t really mind that Josh is sitting on the other side of Michael because even though he’s not my favorite person he is nice to Michael. I take two gummy worms out of my pocket and give them to Michael.
He smiles. This one’s Caitlin and this one’s Josh.
When he says Josh’s name I remember that Josh is Michael’s friend. So I offer him a gummy worm too.
Josh stares at it until Michael elbows him.
Slowly Josh reaches his hand out and takes it from me. He even Looks At The Person this time. Thanks.
You’re welcome.
Michael grins and whispers to me, Good remembering Your Manners.
I nod. I don’t even need the chart anymore. Not now that I know they’re MY manners and I can do whatever I want with them.
The microphone squawks and I jump again. We’ll give people just a couple more minutes to find their seats, the principal says, then we’ll begin the ceremony.
Hey Caitlin, Michael says, but his dad says, Shhh! Michael. It’s time to settle down. Then Mr. Schneider points up at the stage and Michael looks there too. So do I.
I see the principal walk over to the left side of the stage where Mrs. Brook is sitting and I think he’s going to walk down the steps and I hold my breath but instead he touches the blue fabric next to Mrs. Brook and talks to her.
I let out my breath slowly but I can’t help looking at those worn wooden steps on the left side of the room that go up to the stage. And I start shaking. Those steps scare me. They creak LOUD. Especially when the auditorium is quiet. The third step is the worst. I know. When Devon walked up the steps to get his Life rank the whole auditorium was silent because like Dad said it’s a big event for a seventh grader to get his Life rank so soon. But when Devon put his weight on the third step it creaked so loud it sounded like a gun went off and it scared me so I screamed and then everyone stared at me and started whispering and a little kid even pointed at me and said, It was her! And I started crying. Devon jumped off the steps and came running over to me saying, It’s okay. It’s okay. But it didn’t feel okay even when he tried to give me a gummy worm because I had a recess feeling in my stomach and I didn’t want it. He held my hand even though it was shaking up and down and he tried to get me to go up onstage with him but I didn’t want to get anywhere near that step but mostly I didn’t want to stand up in front of everyone because they were all staring at me so I pulled my hand away from his and said, No no no! And he said, Everything’s okay. Just watch me. I’ll be up there, and he pointed to where Dad was standing onstage and I didn’t answer him so he said, See? And I still wouldn’t answer him so he said, I have to go now Scout. I’ll be up there. You’re going to be just fine.
I have a recess feeling in my tummy now. All I see is fuzzy blue because my eyes are blurring everything together. I wish it were the blue of Devon’s room and I were in my hidey-hole with my purple fleece looking up at the carving of my name. SCOUT.
The microphone squawks and I jump again. Welcome! the principal says. Welcome everyone. Thank you for coming to this very special dedication ceremony.
I’m not sure I want to hear everything he says so while he’s talking I keep stuffed-animaling and I just hear certain words like healing and coming together and community. When he says Closure everything stops and I blink and look up at him and I squint because the stage lights are so bright and his bald head is reflecting the light like the sun.
He takes a deep breath. The microphone crackles. He flips over the piece of paper he’s holding and it hits the microphone with a pop. Then there’s silence.
Let me read the names, he says.
I close my eyes.
He speaks slowly but loudly. Julianne Denise Morris.
There’s a murmuring in the crowd for a moment until it’s quiet again.
Roberta L. Schneider, the principal says.
I hear Michael beside me. Mommy, he says. That’s my mommy.
I look over at him and he’s staring up at the principal with his Bambi eyes.
Mr. Schneider is blinking and covering his mouth with his hand.
And I hear the next name. Devon. Joseph. Smith.
My Heart that has been pounding this whole time suddenly seems to stop.
I hear Dad swallow.
The auditorium is silent except for the rustling of the principal’s jacket as he turns away from the microphone and then the slow squeak squeak squeak of his shoes as he walks over to Mrs. Brook’s side of the stage. He puts his hand on the blue fabric shape and turns to face the audience. And he starts to speak. Even though he doesn’t have a microphone his voice booms across the auditorium.
This beautiful Mission-style chest was started by Devon for his Eagle Scout project — his voice stops for a moment — and then finished and donated to our middle school by his beloved father. Harold Joseph Smith. And his little sister whom he adored. Caitlin.
The principal pulls the fabric off of the shape like he’s a magician and everyone says, Oh! and, Ah!
And there it is.
Devon’s chest.
With SCOUT carved and hidden underneath.
And the Mockingbird on top that I can’t see from here but I know it’s there.
His chest is good and strong and beautiful. Just like Devon.
Everyone is clapping. Even Josh. Dad blows his nose and wipes his eyes but he’s smiling. The clapping is so loud it hurts my ears but it’s a good hurt and I feel the crowd looking at me but it’s not in a bad way so I don’t mind so much.
Michael smiles and points at me and says, It was her! and I don’t mind that either because he’s happy and I’m glad that Devon’s chest is bringing him Closure too.
Mrs. Brook is at the podium and she talks but I don’t know what she says until I hear her talking to me. Caitlin. Caitlin! Please stand up. I think everyone wants to see you. She smiles at me.
So I stand up but I don’t turn around and look at the audience because I want to see — really see — the Mockingbird on Devon’s chest so I stand on my tiptoes and stare at it. I can hear the cheering and clapping though.
Dad says, It’s okay, and I tell him, I know.
Over all the noise in the auditorium I can still hear in my head what Devon told me. I have to go now Scout. I’ll be up there. You’re going to be just fine.
I don’t know how long I stand there before Michael is pulling on my hand saying, Caitlin there’s cake and lemonade on the lawn!
What? I ask him. Why would they put it on the grass?
He giggles and says, It’s on TABLES on the grass. Come on! Let’s get some!
I look back at Dad who has stopped gripping the armrests and his lips curl up on one side and he says, Go on Caitlin, and I run after Michael up the aisle and out the back door of the auditorium and into the sun.