“Well, sir, let’s put it like this: I’m down on my luck, and Michael said if ever I got to that state I could always call on you to give a glad hand to an ex-soldier.”
“Why don’t you ask him to help?”
“I did, sir, but his lady-doctor wife informed me he’d gone to Greece.”
“You’d better come in.”
He draped his mildewed raincoat on a hanger. “I smell bacon. Is there any left? It’s amazing how hungry you get when you’re poor.”
Mabel came from the kitchen, perhaps to fawn over whoever had saved her from unpleasant chastisement. All I could do was tell her to make the same sort of breakfast as for Kenny Dukes, and bring more coffee for me.
“You’re a real gentleman,” Straw said.
I was glad he thought so, because I had plans that wouldn’t bear mentioning till food had made him truly grateful. I might be a master of invective, and the sort of writer who gives other writers a bad name (so that they would leave me alone) but I could spin plots when necessary with an alacrity which astounded even me.
“What was that tripehound Kenny Dukes doing here, sir?”
“He’s an admirer of Sidney Blood novels, and wanted one of them signed.”
“I didn’t know he could read, sir.”
“He hardly needs to, with that sort of trash.”
“He’s a villain, sir.” He shook half the cornflakes into a dish. “Everybody’s terrified of him in Soho. He looks after Moggerhanger’s strip clubs and gambling establishments. But I never take any lip from scum like that. He knows better than to get on the wrong side of me. I sent him packing just then.” He looked up from the table, and called on Mabel for more toast.
It was a pleasure to watch him eat, after Kenny Dukes’ crude manners, but Kenny Dukes hadn’t been a soldier, and never in a sergeants’ mess, not even as a waiter. “Have you ever been to Greece, Sergeant Straw?”
“I’ve been all over the Middle East, sir, but not exactly there. If you’re thinking of going for your holidays I can caretake the flat while you’re away.”
When he had finished dabbing up the yoke of two eggs I refilled his coffee cup, and offered a cigarette. “Tell me. Straw, how fond are you of Michael Cullen?”
“Fond, sir?” He nonchalantly exchanged the cigarette for a cigar from my open box, and lit it with almost as much pleasure as I did mine. “Let me put it this way: Michael and me are blood brothers. Why do you want to know?”
“Because to say he’s in danger might be something of an understatement.”
“You’d better tell me about it, then, because if anything happened to him I’d be so alone in the world I wouldn’t want to stay in it. Therefore I’d have to kill everybody else in the world to avenge him. We’ve known each other for fifteen years, and been in more scrapes together than I’ve got toes. We always look after each other. United we stand, divided we fall, just like in the regiment.”
“Your sentiments couldn’t be better, Sergeant Straw.” I retailed the intelligence extracted from Kenny Dukes, during which recitation Straw finished his main course and went back to the cornflakes for dessert. He emptied the milk jug over them that Mabel had foolishly left on the table, and spilled in the rest of the sugar. Here was a man I could trust with my life — or anyone else’s — because he ate like a carrion crow and never put on weight. “So you see why I’m worried, and why something has to be done.”
“I’m glad I called, then. It seems like Michael’s got himself tangled in a typical Moggerhanger set-up. Mogg did that to him once before, and Michael only got out of it by a bit of Irish luck, as well as a helping hand from yours truly sitting providentially before you.”
“Now you know why I’m sending you on a special mission to Greece.”
I expected argument, even protests, and was pleased at getting none. Knowing I was dealing with someone of sound worth, I shook his hand. “You’re a good man, Straw.”
“I’ll go anywhere in the world you care to post me, sir, but I can’t go to Greece in these clothes. I might meet a nice young woman while I’m there, and then where would I be?”
“You’ll meet no such person,” I said sternly. “Red light districts will be strictly out of bounds. No philandering of any sort. I’ll draw up a plan of operations, and you’ll stick to it. As for clothes, choose one of my dozen suits from the wardrobe. We’re a similar build, and though I’m not quite as thin as you I expect you’ll fill out in a remarkably short time with the food you seem set to eat from now on. I’ll have to pay for your messing arrangements, of course, but any tips will come out of your own pocket.”
He seemed about to dispute my largesse. “I won’t fill up much on those skimpy airline meals. Perhaps Mrs Drudge will pack me a parcel of sandwiches. I have a liking for smoked ham, and cheese. And I’d like to take a little plastic bag of pickled onions.”
Since she must have looked on him as having saved her from my wrath I said she would agree to that. “She’ll be happy to clean out the refrigerator as well, and all the cupboards.”
“That won’t be necessary, sir,” he said, head tilted back to give a louche smile. “There is a luggage allowance, you know.”
I called Mabel. “We have an emergency on our hands. I’ll explain all about it later, but in the meantime would you call London Airport and find the time of the next plane to Athens?”
A smile lit her face like a lantern at All Souls. “Yes, Gilbert. I’ll do it immediately.”
I barked at Straw, to show how serious the issue was. “Passport, sergeant? You have one?”
“Never without it, sir. I’ve often had to get out of the country in the nick of time.”
“You’re a man of resource. I like that.”
“It pays to be, sir. I wouldn’t be alive if I wasn’t.”
We opened the AA road atlas of Europe. “You’ll pick up a car — not a big one, understand? — at Athens airfield, then drive north towards Salonika, to intercept Michael. You can’t miss a Rolls Royce on the road in that country. When you make contact, put him in the picture, if he hasn’t been thrown through the frame already. Stay with him till he finishes with Greece. In other words, guard him with your life, and keep him safe from any misadventures. I leave the immediate tactical details to you. When we go out I’ll get some cash for your running expenses.”
“I shan’t need all that much, sir.” A glisten of ferocity came and went over his face. “When I get there I’ll live off the land.”
I feared to think what that might mean, after my experience with soldiers. “None of that,” I snapped. “Never forget that the gallant Greeks were our allies during both world wars.”
“Oh, I know my history, sir. We had wonderful education sergeants in the army. I never missed a lecture. There was always tea and cakes after them.”
“I’ll go with you to Heathrow, sergeant, draw some travellers’ cheques, pay your return fare, and book a car that you’ll collect in Athens.” What a divine invention was the credit card: spend now, and pay when you could.
“Regarding a car, sir, I could always hotwire a reliable vehicle, and save the expense of hiring one.”
“I can’t allow it. The British Army has a reputation to keep up.”
“Oh yes, sir, I know all about that.”
He put the fear of God into me, but he was all I had. At least Mabel was the perfect ATS office worker: “There’s a plane for Athens leaving in three hours, Gilbert.”
I threw her my credit card. “Book a seat for Mr William Straw. Then bring out a suitcase.” I turned to him. “Now let’s get you properly dressed.”
I’ve never seen such pleasure on an old sweat’s face: “You’re going to a lot of trouble for Michael, sir. He’s lucky to have a friend like you.”
“It’s two friends, with your good self. I’ll charge all expenses to his account so that he can reimburse me when he gets back.” I thought this a wise stricture, which might induce him to be more economical. “And if he’s out of funds he can write a Sidney Blood. Two, perhaps. Rescue expeditions like this cost the earth, and people need what Sidney Bloods they can get to lighten their dull lives. But keep an itemised account of all expenses, and bring back the receipts, for me to set against tax.”