Amy turned to look, but Jordan whispered harshly, “Don’t look! They’ll know we’re talking about them.”
Amy snapped back to attention. Jordan oh-so-discreetly led Amy even further away. The two women followed close behind. Way too close. Jordan decided she had had enough. She couldn’t tolerate stalking any more. She turned to the two women and with her hands on her hips, summoned her most authoritative voice. “Listen, you two. Back off. This is my date. She doesn’t want anything to do with you, Capice? So you can take your little stalker eyes and your little stalker ears and go stalk someone else. Capice?” Jordan threw the Italian lingo in there twice. She wanted to make sure they knew she meant business. And maybe they would think she had some Mafia connections.
“Ooooh, I like you,” one of the women said.
The other woman agreed, “So tough and strong. Like an Amazon warrior.”
Jordan took a threatening step in closer to the women, intending to throw them out the front door, but Amy stopped her. “Jordan, I would like you to meet my mother, Claire, and her friend, Lillian.”
Jordan blinked, then looked sheepishly at the ground. “Sorry. I just thought…”
“Oh, don’t worry about it,” Claire said.
“It was very chivalrous,” Lillian agreed. “So, are you a lesbian, too?”
“Of course she’s a lesbian. She’s dating my daughter, isn’t she?” Claire said.
Lillian shrugged. “You never know. I dated a lesbian once and didn’t know it.”
“How could you not know it?”
“It was dark and she had a mustache.”
Claire nodded. “Did you ever see Yentl?”
“Oh, I would date Barbra in a heart beat,” Lillian said.
Claire shook her head. “I don’t know. Those fingernails are scary.”
Jordan looked at Amy. She was still flabbergasted and didn’t know what to say.
Amy apologized, “Sorry about this. I don’t always take my mother on my dates. I just didn’t know how to tell her no. I hope you don’t mind.”
“The more the merrier,” Jordan said. “Anyway, I have my roommates with me. I hope that’s cool.”
The four of them walked through the double doors and into the small ninety-nine-seat auditorium. Claire and Lillian gasped at the same time. “Oh my!” Claire said. “Just look at all the lesbians!”
Lillian said, “When did lesbianism become so popular?”
“Where have all the lesbians been hiding?”
Amy butted in, “Um, Mom? Lillian? Do you all mind keep your voices down? Maybe not embarrassing me?”
Claire whispered, “Good idea. I don’t want to get you kicked out of the lesbo club, dear.” She then said to Lillian, “This is the first time she’s shown an interest in any club. Even in high school she was a loner.”
Jordan guided them to the last row of seats. Amy and Jordan sat. Claire and Lillian sat in the row directly in front of them.
Claire said, “Let’s pretend to be lesbians together, Lillian. It will make us fit in.”
“When in Rome,” Lillian said. She then turned to Amy and Jordan and asked, “What do lesbians do at the theatre?”
“Hold hands,” Jordan said.
Claire and Lillian held hands and turned back to the front.
“Sorry,” Amy mouthed.
The lights began to lower and everybody crowded into the chairs.
Operation Meltdown, Phase Two
Edison stumbled into the dark theatre and slid into the seat next to Jordan. Her sunglasses were on top of her head. She leaned over Jordan and said to Amy, “What’s up, Doc?”
Jordan rolled her eyes. “How original, Ed.”
“I know right? I always wanted to say that and now I can.”
Amy laughed. “Okay, I’ll let you say it, but only you.”
“I feel special,” Edison said.
“Soooo,” Jordan said, putting as much meaning as possible into one little bitty word. “How’s things?”
Edison nodded slowly and whispered, “Operation Meltdown is a-okay and ready to rock ‘n roll. Irma is baby-sitting the… uh, baby.”
Amy leaned across Jordan and said to Edison, “What’s going on?”
“What makes you say that?” Edison asked much too innocently to be innocent.
“Code words and subterfuge,” Amy said.
“You have highly developed observational skills,” Edison said.
“I’m a doctor. I’m supposed to,” Amy said. “Now, spill.”
“She might have to be our new mastermind,” Edison said.
“I concur,” Jordan replied. She looked over at Amy dressed in loose organic hemp pants, a tie-dyed blouse with a plunging neckline, and her blue high-top sneakers. She was cute and loveable and sexy all wrapped up into one package.
“Do you really want to know what we have planned or wait for the surprise? I think you’ll like it as a surprise best, but we’ll tell you if you want. I’ll even give you a hint. It involves the Ice Queen and tires and paint,” Edison said with an evil chuckle.
Claire and Lillian whipped their necks around and stared at Jordan. “Are you plotting revenge on your ex-girlfriend?” Claire asked.
Jordan was shocked into silence. Edison was not. “Hey, nobody likes eavesdroppers. So, turn your faces back around. And if you know what’s good for you, you’ll forget you ever heard that.”
“That’s Amy’s mom and her lesbian, Lillian,” Jordan explained.
“Oh,” Edison said. “Sorry.” She leaned over and said to Amy, “I didn’t know your mom was a lesbian.”
“Oh, goody,” Claire said, “It’s working. We’re officially undercover, Lillian.”
Amy shrugged. “I don’t know what’s going on anymore.”
The house lights went out and the stage lights came up. Jordan took Amy’s hand. Edison noticed and sighed. Irma slinked through the doors and sat in the chair beside Edison.
“All set?” Edison whispered.
“Of course is set,” Irma said.
Edison nodded and looked at her watch. She punched a few elaborate buttons.
“Look it’s a lesbian on stilts,” Claire said, pointing to the stage. All six women sat up straighter in their seats and watched intently.
Operation Meltdown, Phase Three
The lesbian on stilts was not funny. Her wandering around the stage telling jokes and stories was not funny. The stilts did involve some skill. Jordan knew this because she and Edison had used stilts to finish putting up the dry wall in the dining room. “It’s not easy to walk on stilts,” she whispered to Amy as if apologizing for the not-funny comedienne. The comic ended her performance with a joke about two vulvas, one Catholic and one Jewish, walking into a bar. Irma hurrumphed with disgust. Jordan was inclined to agree.
“Oh, she wasn’t that bad,” Amy said as the stilted lesbian exited the stage.
“I remember being like you - everything lesbian was bright and shiny,” Edison said, “But you’ll get over it. Believe me.”
The next act was a short play called Sweet Sufferings and it was good, and not just because the previous act was so bad either. It was a clever little play about a lesbian on her deathbed. Not to be confused with lesbian bed death.
There wasn’t a dry eye in house at the end of it. Jordan swore she heard Irma, the tough as nails Russian, sniffle back tears.
“Now, that was good,” Lillian said.
“The Ice Queen is up next,” Jordan whispered to Edison. “Start the timer.”
“I know, I know,” Edison said, furiously punching numbers into her watch.
The lights onstage changed from warm and inviting to bright and cold. A woman dressed in all black put a three-legged stool center stage. A spotlight popped on and pinpointed the stool. It grew quiet and expectant. Jordan knew from past experience that Petronella always had to make a grand entrance. She even did it when they were going to bed. Jordan would be about half asleep and no longer in the mood and Petronella would come into the room in a white negligee and lean against the door like some 1930’s movie star. It was so overblown and fake that Jordan found it a major turn off.