“Hmmm. If I did that with my neighbor’s trash I’d be wearing a Budweiser can suit with Spam can earrings,” Jordan said.
Amy laughed. “I’d be dressed in Lean Cuisine.”
Jeremy got in on the joke. “If my neighbor orders one more pizza, I’ll have a car.”
The waitress frowned. “Are you making fun of me?”
“Noooo,” all three said at once.
The waitress seemed satisfied with that answer. She pulled out her order pad. “What can I get you to drink?”
“What is there?” Amy asked.
The waitress pointed to the menu with her pen. “The drinks are on the back.”
Jordan flipped over her menu and studied the drink list.
Jeremy ordered first, citing the first thing on the list. “I’ll have Horchata with lime.”
“What is that?” Jordan asked.
“I don’t know but it’s fun to say,” Jeremy said.
“What’s this Tofurky?” Jordan asked.
The waitress said, “It’s thanksgiving in a bottle. It smells and tastes like turkey and gravy, but it’s really meatless. Made out of tofu.”
“Liquid turkey and gravy,” Jordan mused. “No, thanks. I’ll have this Chari-tea instead.”
Amy asked, “What’s the Real Eel?”
“Just what it says,” the waitress said.
“Okay, I’ll have a Lemon-Aid.”
“Good choice.” The waitress and her potato bag dress crinkled away.
“If the drinks were that difficult, how is figuring out what to eat going to be?” Amy said.
“Good question,” Jordan said. She pointed at the menu, “Do you want to split the deer penis appetizer? I’ve heard it’s good for the libido.”
Quicker than Samantha Stephens could wiggle her nose there was a flash of white and Petronella was sitting in their booth. “Stay away from anything with squirrel in the name,” she said.
“Petronella? How did you… Where did you…” Jordan stammered. “What are you doing here?”
“I am here celebrating with Irma,” Petronella said. She gestured to the other side of the room. Irma, sitting at a table, had a big smile on her face. She waved. Jordan limply waved back.
“What are you celebrating?” Amy asked cheerfully.
“Our anniversary,” Petronella said.
Jordan said, “Your what?”
Petronella smiled. “We have been together for nineteen hours. We are deliciously happy. We are in love.”
Jeremy piped in, “Sex is a mood enhancer. It raises your serotonin levels and causes you to think you’re in love.”
Petronella glared at him. “Men,” she scoffed. “They know nothing of the heart. Only the penis.”
“I beg your pardon. My penis is quite romantic,” Jeremy said.
“As I was saying,” Petronella said to Jordan, throwing Jeremy one last scalding look, “I want to thank you for introducing me to Irma. She is amazing. She has helped me realize my potential as a woman, a feminist, a poet, a teacher and now as a performance artist. She has made me realize how extraordinary I am.”
“I had no idea that you didn’t realize you were extraordinary,” Jordan said.
“I didn’t know my full potential until I was drowning in paint, on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Then along came Irma,” Petronella said. She actually had glistening eyes.
Jordan handed her a napkin. Petronella dabbed at her happy tears.
“All this in only nineteen hours?” Amy said.
Jordan explained, “Nineteen hours in lesbian time is like three years in normal time. They’ve probably already moved in together.”
Petronella nodded. “We adopted a kitten this morning.”
“Holy shit,” Amy said.
“You don’t like kittens?” Petronella said, aghast.
“It’s not that. It’s him.” Amy pointed to the entrance just as Chad stumbled through the front door. “I have to hide before he sees me.” Amy slipped under the table and hid in the first place she could find – under Petronella’s skirt.
“Oh!” Petronella said.
“Sorry,” Amy said, burrowing further between Petronella’s thighs. “Pretend I’m not here.”
Petronella giggled.
“Since when did you become a giggler?” Jordan said.
Chad lurched up to their table. He was wearing only his hospital gown, which was flapping open in the back. His hand was bandaged and tubes were sticking out of both arms. His hair was standing on end and he had a glazed, feral look in his eyes.
“Where is she? Where have you taken her?” Chad pointed a finger at Jeremy. Then he realized his bandage didn’t allow for pointing. He lifted his other hand and pointed that finger. “Tell me what you’ve done with my Amy,” he threatened.
“Dude, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jeremy said. “You shouldn’t be here. Your finger can’t take the stress.”
Chad leaned over the table and waved his bandaged hand around. “You know where she is!” Jordan, Petronella and Jeremy had to bob and weave to keep from getting bitch-slapped. Chad leaned closer, pushing his nose into Jordan’s face. He slurred, “She’s mine. Where have you taken her, you, you, Lezebel? I’ve warned you. Stay away from her. She’s mine.” He straightened up and thumped his chest like Tarzan, yelling, “Mine, mine, mine!”
“Who is this madman?” Petronella said, patting Amy’s head to reassure her.
The waitress in the crinkly dress flew over with a man dressed in an Astroturf three-piece suit.
“Sir, you can’t be in here,” Astroturf said. He pulled Chad by the arm, trying to guide him toward the door.
Chad stumbled and jerked his arm away. “And why the hell not?” Chad spit. “I’m a customer. Customers are always right.”
“You don’t have any pants on and we have very firm rules about that,” Astroturf said.
“She isn’t wearing pants,” Chad said, pointing at the waitress.
“Yes, sir, but her dress is covering her butt. Your dress, sir, does not,” Astroturf said.
Chad looked over his left shoulder in an attempt to see his own butt. He spun in circles like a dog chasing his own tail. The spinning made him dizzy and he was flung out of his own orbit and onto the next table. Dishes and silverware and chairs clattered and crashed to the floor. Chad toppled on top of two diners and they all fell to the floor in one giant heap.
Jeremy said, “I think we should leave. Now.”
“I agree,” Petronella said.
“But how are we going to get Amy out of here without her being seen by him?” Jordan whispered conspiratorially.
“Yeah. How?” came Amy’s muffled response.
“Under my skirt,” Petronella said. “Amy, stay as low as you can, hold on to my thighs and walk with me. You two,” she nodded to Jeremy and Jordan, “walk with me also. And act natural.”
They began a slow, plodding march to the door. Petronella walked with her back arched, her legs splayed far apart and her skirt billowing out in front of her where Amy’s head bobbed up and down with each step. Jordan and Jeremy held on to Petronella’s elbows steadying her.
“Make way,” Jeremy said. “She’s having her baby.”
“Good cover,” Jordan whispered. She said louder, “Watch out. Pregnant lady coming through.”
More crashing sounded behind them as Chad got up and pinged off tables and diners like a pinball.
The waitress opened the front door for them. “Oh, I am so sorry about this. Please do come back when we don’t have a Zombie on the premises,” she said.
Amy laughed from under the skirt. Petronella thunked Amy on the head.
The waitress looked at Petronella’s baby bump. “Did your baby just laugh?”
Petronella smiled and said, “My baby is very advanced.”
At that moment, Petronella’s white Mercedes skidded to a stop right in front of them. Irma smiled from behind the wheel. Jeremy opened the back door and Amy and Petronella jumped inside. No sooner had Petronella pulled her door shut than Irma mashed her foot to the gas and the car squealed out of the parking lot.