His mouth opened to say something but I stopped him. "It was so fucking pathetic! So for days and days I waited and nothing. Not a single fucking thing from you." I was getting angry now. My words sharp, harsh. The tears started. I remembered everything. He stood there, and listened silently, hands still in pockets. He stared, right into my eyes, and he waited.
"Pathetic me, waiting for you, and I get nothing. For weeks, I sat around feeling sorry for myself. Because I fucking let you get to me. Until finally, Alexis convinces me that I need to get out. That I need to move on. So I do. I go to a stupid club, and who just happens to be there? You! You and some girl on your lap. And you couldn't keep your fucking hands off each other! And I hated it." My voice broke. "I hated that I had to see it. And I hated you!"
The anger consumed me. I started pushing him. He took every shove, not making a move to stop me. He stayed silent, while I got out over a years worth of anger, frustration and heartbreak.
"I hated you so much that I left that stupid club and the stupid memory of you with it. I moved on and screwed some guy I didn't even care about!" Push. "And just like you, he treated me like shit!" Push. "And I didn't even fucking care anymore because it was you I hated. I still hate you." Push. "And now I'm here, and I have to deal with it. I have to deal with you, and that one stupid night we had." Push. Shove. Push.
"It wasn't stupid Amanda," he finally spoke, pinning my arms to my sides and holding me to him.
"What!"
"That night, with you. It wasn't stupid," he said flatly.
I pulled myself off him, "Fuck you, Logan."
"I'm sorry," he said, his voice quiet.
And I make the stupid mistake of looking at him.
And I see it, the sadness consumed there.
But I don't care.
Because I hate him.
A bunch of guys came streaming out the front door. Some of them patting Logan on the back, or giving him some choice words. We never once took our eyes off each other.
I hate him.
"Amanda?" a deep voice interrupted. We both turned to see Shane, one of my brother's friends. "It is you."
He scratched his head.
"Hey, Shane. How are you?" I tried to act polite; hoping the anger inside me wasn't evident in my tone.
"Good. Are you okay?" He looked from me, to Logan, and back again. Logan's stared at the ground, like it was the most fascinating thing in the world.
I nodded.
"You uh, you need a ride home?
"Yes!" I shouted, before calming myself down. "Please. Thank you."
He waited for me to walk ahead of him, putting his hand on my back, as he led me to his car.
I don't turn around.
I don't look back.
Because I don't hate him.
Logan
For over a year I tried to forget that night with her existed. I tried to not think about what she must have been thinking, or how she must have felt. Eventually I convinced myself that she didn't care. That I was just another boy, another date, another night.
But then she stood in front of me and told me all this shit, and it took everything in me to not hold her. To not tell her the truth. To not tell her how sorry I am and beg for her to fucking forgive me.
So I stood there, and let her take out a years worth of anger and pain and I did nothing to make it better.
Because I can't.
How the fuck can I make things right, when it's too damn late for all of it.
And then she left, with some guy she apparently knows and I did nothing to stop her. Because she's not mine and I have no right.
I fucked up.
I fucked up bad.
And I want her.
I want her so fucking bad.
TWELVE
-Past-
The scare
I woke up mid morning the next day seedy and tired as fuck. I smiled to myself. So worth it.
Dad was in the kitchen reading the paper when I walked in. He lifted his head when he heard me come in. "Late night?" he asked, a knowing smirk on his face.
"Yeah, you could say that." I opened the fridge, and then closed it again. Stupid habit.
"Has she left?"
"Yeah." I cleared my throat. "I took her home last night, or this morning actually."
He nodded once, not taking his eyes off me. "Do we need to talk about protection?"
"No!" I said quickly. Then calmed myself down. "No. I'm good with that—trust me. But that's not—I mean, we didn't last night."
His eyes went wide; he misunderstood.
"No, that's not what I meant, I mean, we didn't...do that. We didn't have sex." I clarified.
He exhaled, relieved, and then went back to reading the paper.
I watched him. He's always been quiet, never really wanting to get too involved in my business. He got that sometimes I just needed to do things my way. I understood it was hard for him, without a woman around, to deal with certain things. He really made an effort to be both for me, but I got that it can be awkward for him.
"I really like her. Amanda, that's her name," I told him. I wanted to tell someone.
He looked up with a smile on his face. He folded the paper and put it aside, then leaned forward on his elbows, giving me his full attention.
"Yeah?" he asked.
"Yeah, she's something else. I'm actually going to meet her at work on her break today. Do you think it's too soon? I mean last night was our first date."
"Date?" he said, eyebrows raised.
I couldn't help but smile. "Yeah, date. It's strange, huh? Me going on a date."
"It's not strange, Logan. It's just about time. And no, I don't think it's too soon. If you both want to see each other then it doesn't matter, right?"
"I guess." I shrugged. "I feel like I need to do something, to tell her, or show her, that I liked being with her, you know?"
"Well, what does she like?"
I thought for a while. "Red Gummy Bears."
"Well, there you go." He smiled as he stood up and left the room.
***
I finally picked out two bags with the most red gummy bears and started walking to the checkout.
That's when I saw her.
She stood in the middle of the aisle, looking down at something in her hands.
"Micky!" I yelled.
She dropped what she was holding. It fell to the floor.
I walked over to her.
She looked up, her face pale, her eyes wide, shocked. She was frozen. She hadn't moved since she saw me. She hadn't blinked. I doubt she was even breathing.
I stopped a few feet from her. I looked from her, to the floor and then the shelf. She still hadn't moved. I picked up the item and look at it. My stomach dropped to the floor.
A pregnancy test.
I lifted my gaze. Our eyes locked. And before I could say anything, she folded over herself and as a sob overtook her.