I could’ve kissed him. “Do you mind?”
“Of course not. And I can get takeout if you’re hungry.”
Dad shook his head, but even though I didn’t want to eat, we both needed to. So I said, “That would be good.”
Nothing is. The sun shone on until sunset, swirls of purple on the skyline dotted with city lights. As I climbed out of the backseat in front of the brownstone, the wind whispered, I’m so sorry. Cameron’s voice, at my shoulder, made me whirl around, but I didn’t see him. There was only Mr. Lewis waiting on the stoop. My dad took Kian while I opened the trunk. We packed it with our clothes but not Mom’s, my dad’s research and various books that Mr. Lewis thought I might want. The rest would keep.
“What’s the address?” Kian asked.
In a husky voice, Dad told him and we pulled away from the curb, leaving my old life behind. The new building was red brick, sharp and featureless, with uniform lines and no window boxes full of autumn flowers. Though I wasn’t sure, I thought it might be December now. During the days prior to my mom’s funeral, I lost track of how often I ate and slept, though mostly the latter.
This unit was on the first floor toward the back. We had a nice fenced patio and two bedrooms, decorated in classic rental unit. So much beige and brown. The pictures on the wall looked like abstract poop. Kian helped us unload the car, then he dodged out to grab some food and brought back stir-fry noodles. Like the other two, I ate in silence. There were no words for any of this.
“I have some work to do,” my dad said eventually. “Feel free to stay as long as you like.” The last, to Kian.
I guessed he trusted him now. So did I. At any point, he could’ve bailed on us, left me to deal with the fallout on my own. Coping would’ve been much harder without him to smooth the rough spots, do what I couldn’t. If not for him, my dad might’ve starved.
“All right. Thank you, sir.”
Dad shook his head. “Thank you.”
Then he went to the smaller of the two bedrooms and closed the door with a click. At first, I didn’t understand why I was getting the master suite until I realized it had a huge bed. He doesn’t want to sleep alone in that. I wished I had the kind of relationship with my father where I could run to him and hug him so hard it hurt his ribs and my arms, but we were stiff with each other, like strangers.
Kian and I watched a documentary about bees on cable, but around nine, he pushed to his feet. “I don’t want to go, but I feel like I should.”
“It’s okay. I’ll be fine.” That was a colossal lie, but I had to stand on my own two feet. I’d leaned on him enough over the past couple of weeks.
“Are you going to school tomorrow?”
“Yeah. I don’t want spend the day here alone. If I know my dad, he’ll retreat to the lab, so he can focus on work.”
“Maybe that’s not a bad thing.”
It can be if you neglect all other aspects of your life. Worried my dad might overhear, as the walls weren’t exactly thick, I didn’t say so aloud. Instead I walked Kian to the door and stretched up to kiss him. My heart wasn’t in it, but he didn’t seem to take it personally. He brushed his lips over my forehead in response.
“If you need anything, text me. I’ll be here in two seconds. And I do mean anything, Edie.” His tone was so serious, so earnest, that I actually smiled.
My face didn’t crack. My heart did a little, and sweetness spilled out. I no longer had any hope of resisting or protecting myself from future harm. He was the only star in my firmament, shining in darkest night, so I could always find the path.
“I’ll bear that in mind. Thank you.”
Once he left, the new apartment seemed very quiet. I wasn’t used to the noises in this place, the humming fridge or the creak of the neighbors walking around upstairs. After turning the deadbolt and latching the chain, I retreated to the bedroom, the type where grown-ups argued, fought, and complained bitterly over the ashes of their failed ambitions. I’d never slept in a queen bed for more than a few nights when we traveled.
“So all this is mine now, huh?”
And here you are, talking to yourself.
I hadn’t talked to Vi since it happened, and her e-mails were now verging on panic. Though this was the last thing I wanted to do, I pinged her on Skype. She answered on the second beep, disheveled, frowning in worry. “You okay?”
“No,” I said.
In the baldest words possible, I told her. Now it’s real. I have to live with it.
“Oh God, Edie, I’m so sorry. Let me talk to my parents. I bet they’d let me come to Boston for the weekend. I don’t know what I can do, but I really want to be with you.”
Tears spilled out. I had no control, only a broken overflow valve. I was so tempted to say yes, but seeing her would hurt more. Vi could be here, safe, and my mother wasn’t. I could’ve used a favor to save her, but I didn’t know I needed to. Not fully understanding how far the players would take the game—that was my mistake, and I had to live with it.
Taking a deep breath, I shook my head. “Not right now. Things are really unsettled.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah. I don’t think my dad could handle visitors.”
“Oh, right. I should’ve thought of that.”
“I have to go.”
“Okay. Call me if you need anything.”
“Thanks. I will.”
It was early, but I went to bed after talking to Vi. The new apartment permitted me to sleep without dreaming, and in the morning, guilt stormed my battlements. I failed the saving throw and cried in the shower, trying to be quiet so my dad wouldn’t hear. After pulling myself together somewhat, I put on my uniform and found him already in the kitchen. No oatmeal this morning—we might never eat it again, because it was my mom’s favorite breakfast food: steel cut, hearty, topped with brown sugar, crushed walnuts, butter, and raisins. He served me a fried egg sandwich instead, and I ate it, mostly because he must’ve run out to get a few groceries from the corner store before I even woke up.
“Thanks,” I said.
“Have a good day at school.”
We both knew that was unlikely, but if I didn’t play along with his determined pretense, then we both might start crying and go back to bed. While it sounded appealing, as a long-term coping strategy, it had little to recommend it. I trudged out the front door and down the station, ten minutes farther than before. The numbness was wearing off, so my mother’s loss throbbed like a rotten tooth.
Teachers treated me with kid gloves at school. So did the student body. Apart from Davina, it was like I had a circle of sadness warding everyone off. We sat by ourselves at lunch, and she tried really hard to cheer me up. I smiled at the right moments, but I suspected she knew it didn’t help. I appreciated the attempt, but also when she stopped. Her own loss might be less recent, but Russ lingered in her eyes, a haunting of what might’ve been.
“Want to get drunk?” she asked, as we left school that afternoon.
“I don’t think it would help. We’ll catch up this weekend, okay? Thanks for coming to the service, by the way. It meant a lot to have you there.”
“You’d do the same for me.” She went toward the T while I looked for Kian.
Oddly, I didn’t find him. I waited for five minutes, then I got a text. I’m so sorry. I can’t make it today. I have something to do.
The message raised all my hackles. He was so protective, I couldn’t imagine anything short of life or death diverting him. It had to be Wedderburn … or the mysterious other he, with whom Kian had made a deal for my sake. In that moment, I made a snap decision, and I took the train downtown instead of going straight home. On the way, I sent word to my dad, so he wouldn’t worry.