Zoya the Siberian tiger cautiously approached the train tracks. Her tail twirled. Having observed the border for decades, the Chinese were well aware of Russian sentries and posts in the vicinity — There were none. Zero.
There was of course the Khasan Railway Terminal about a mile north, the last point on the Trans-Siberian. But Hu and his men weren’t worried. This was the boondocks of the Russian Federation. For that matter, the tri-border area was also the boondocks of the People’s Republic of China, the only country with an apostrophe in its name.
Zoya knelt down and smelt the mackerel strewn alongside the tracks. Premier Xiannian was quite sure the majestic beast wiggled her nose. She didn’t seem to like it. The tiger then walked along the track and checked out a few more of the fallen mackerel, before making up her mind.
After making sure that no one was watching, Zoya gobbled a couple of fish. Midway through her eighteenth chew, her jaws froze. She seemed to look straight up at the Fangchun Observation Tower. Straight up into the Premier Xiannian’s eyes.
Zoya the tiger stormed the international border.
“Oh shit the tiger is coming towards us,” yelled the alarmed Chinese Premier.
“Quick. Take it down. Don’t let it cross the border,” Hu Gong screamed into his headpiece.
The magnificent beast was already across the border.
“Sniper 6, WTF?” Hu heard the commander scream in his ear piece.
“Locked and loaded,” replied Sniper 6.
Caught off guard, Sniper 6 finally took aim. Just as he fondled his trigger, the beast belly flopped and stopped moving.
“Oh shit… is it dead?” cried the Premier.
Hu relayed, “What just happened? Is the tiger dead?”
“No sir. No one took a shot. The tiger… it just collapsed…” the team leader took a closer look at the tiger before announcing, “Also… it might have barfed…”
“Ah ha… That smelly fish! She just couldn’t take it,” offered the Premier triumphantly.
“Sir what do we do?” asked the Team Leader to Hu Gong.
This was bad on many levels. A clean sniper hit, would have sent the Russian government after the poachers. But this was bad. First of all the tiger was inside Chinese territory and Hu was quite sure there was some tracking chip on the tiger. To anyone analyzing the tracking data in Moscow, the way the tiger had charged the international border would imply that it had been provoked from the Chinese side. Without bullet wounds, they could assume the tiger had been poisoned. Ughh.
“Huuu what do we doooo?” the Premier was freaking out.
Hu’s rice bred brain furiously churned through the permutations. They could abandon and run but that was leaving things up in the air. Shit could fall anywhere. He didn’t like it. Perhaps the tiger was faking it.
Hu fired his salvo, “Team Leader, send one of the snipers to go check its pulse. It could be faking it. The striped bastards are known for their shenanigans.”
“Ughh, ok. Sniper 3 approach tiger slowly and prod him with your gun.”
“No gun you moron. I don’t want tiger blood on my land. Sniper 3, I order you to leave your gun behind.”
“Sir we came here to kill the tiger,” protested the Team Leader.
“Not anymore. Not inside our border.”
“Sir we can shoot it now and then drag it over the border. Problem solved,” offered Sniper 6.
“Are you a fucking idiot? It’s going to need four or five of you guys to lift that thing. Then we need to worry about foot prints, drag marks, the next train and maybe even a passing Russian satellite… Or worse an American satellite.”
“Yes sir. Sniper 3, abandon gun… wait, in fact leave all your weapons behind. Knives, nunchucks everything.”
Sniper 3 wasn’t comfortable with the turn of events. “Team Leader, am I supposed to go and give it a mouth to mouth..?” he said sarcastically before taking off.
“Ah. Thinking on your feet… if necessary, yes. But use your water bottle first. Just, just splash the tiger’s face…”
“Ya good thinking Team Leader. Sniper 3… splash the water gently,” added Hu Gong.
Hu Gong wasn’t done thinking yet. He quickly went down the stairs and grabbed the Tower keeper, who could have easily passed for a troll and shook him, “Do you have a dog? A guard dog?”
“No sir. I ate it for lunch a couple of weeks ago. It’s hard to get supplies around here,” replied the stoic Troll.
“I understand. You got any other animals? Bet you stock up.”
The Troll thought for a while before answering. “I got a black tomcat… found him at a junkyard up in Hunchun.”
“Excellent. Take him out to that black jeep, my team leader will take him. Fast.”
“Yes Sir.”
Sniper 3 was having a hard time resuscitating Zoya despite his elite skills. Water, kicking, tail pulling, dragging, rib tickling, cooing in its ear, nothing worked. Despite clear orders to go mouth-to-mouth, he had refrained. But then nobody held it against him.
In the end, Sniper 3 was able to make out a heartbeat.
“So Sniper 3 whats the status?” checked in Hu Gong.
“Still alive, but barely breathing.”
“Well, you better pray to a god that you don’t believe in,” replied Hu, as he finalized his super sophisticated plan with the Team Leader.
As Hu and Premier Xiannian watched, the Tower Troll carried the struggling tomcat to the Team Leader’s black jeep. Soon they heard the Team Leader cursing out his mother in law. That there was one feisty little cat.
“Sir, I request we take the Tower Troll with us. The cat’s a demon.”
“Ya, whatever. Hurry the fuck up. Remember to take some lubricant. Oil, Vaseline anything… water might not do it.”
“Yes Sir.”
The seven snipers, the team leader and the Troll stood nervously around the dormant tiger. The Team Leader knelt and checked Zoya’s tracking collar. It was loose. The tiger was emaciated due to starvation. Thus the Chinese snipers were able to remove the collar, without any oils or lubes.
Next, the Troll held the tomcat down as Sniper 1 reduced the size of the tiger’s collar. He reduced it to fit the tom cat’s torso. The damage and resistance caused by the kitty in comparison to the tiger was poetic.
After securing the collar onto the tomcat, the Troll and Sniper 1 hurried to the border and hurled the cat, over the Trans-Siberian railway tracks… into Russia.
The cat, obviously landed on its feet and snarled back at the Chinese men. It had had enough with the People and the Republic and their persecution of its kin. Catty rumors swirled that the tomcat’s cousins had gone down as brunch at a Beijing bistro.
The cat said, “Adios mofos” as in “Meooow meow”, flipped off the men with its paw and walked away into Russia. It hoped to find a grandmotherly babushka and live happily ever after.
Federal Space Agency, Moscow
It was midnight in Moscow. It was always midnight in Moscow when things went sour. The Tiger Division was being monitored by a Yuri. They were currently monitoring four tigers — the females Zhenya, Zoya and the males Alexi and Arkady. Alexi, Zhenya and Arkady had been set free on the Amur, while Zoya had been sent to Primorsky Krai in the Far East.
Initially Alexi, Arkady and Zhenya had spent a lot of time together, exploring the taiga and having threesomes. But after the initial fun, they gone their separate ways… in search of meaning of life, as tigers obviously preferred solitude and deep thinking, unlike the partying idiot lions. The trio were now more than 100 miles apart, surviving and growing, as evidenced from their tracking data and the occasional sighting.
But Zoya, poor Zoya, the shyest of the ambush had lost the Russian roulette and had ended up in the cut off Primorsky Krai. With nothing to game, she had been surviving on rotten fish, dogs and other less tigery options.