“Oh…”
“Ya, so this chip is also connected to a missile system. If someone killed Zoya or her heart stopped unnaturally, a missile would liquidate everything in the kill coordinates.”
“Sir, I think a couple of rare Kobe steaks should get the tiger back on her feet,” interjected the vet.
“What the fuck you moron? Didn’t you get this circular?” cried the Premier.
“Worst part is, it’s a conventional missile only if her heart stops within Russian territory….”
Dong Ki continued, “…so if Zoya’s heart were to stop somewhere outside Russian territory, say for example, here at the Fangchun Tower in the Jinlin province of China, you get nuked… the Russians have kept that a secret.”
Gong’s last words were, “….circular… dated… April 1st… thought F…S…B… joke… no… no….”
To ease the pain until his posse showed up, Dong Ki Moon ordered the simmering vet to administer some animal grade opiate to the Chinese Premier. The dreamy Premier Xiannian waved good bye, as the North Koreans along with the sleeping tiger vacated the scene.
Federal Space Agency, Moscow
Yuri called up the 1800-TIGER-RUSS painted on his desk and informed the situation to an SVR guy.
“…so what I am saying is that our tigress Zoya might be in grave danger… don’t you get it…?
The SVR guy while concerned, sounded nonchalant as he was put Yuri on hold, “Yuri, hang on a second. I’m getting another call…”
Sasha the SVR dude got a call from someone way up on the SVR org chart. Then Sasha got another call from the Russian Ministry of Foreign Affairs. Sasha listened to both calls intently.
Five minutes later he called back Yuri and informed him that all was well and he should stop worrying about Zoya for the time being. Things had been taken care of.
“But…”
“Just keep an eye on Arkady’s bowel movements.”
Chapter 11
Kremlin, Moscow
“Madam President, I think this is a terrible idea. And I want this to go on the record… you know,” declared Mika the presidential guard. This was beyond madness.
The President was unmoved.
“At least we should check with my boss…”
“Mika, get a grip. I am like your boss’s boss’s boss’s boss. So shut the fuck up. Otto lead the way,” said Anna Petrova.
The President’s yellow phone rang. She hesitated… she was on the precipice of something here… darn it, it was Sergey Luzkhov the Foreign Minister.
She had to answer it. Probably important.
“Whats up Sergester?”
“Madam, apologize for the late call, but there was an incident in the Far East.”
“Make it fast…”
“Uh… the Chinese… they tried to go after one of your tigers… our tigers. We believe it’s a retaliation for those trains.”
“I thought we took pre-emptive measures.”
“Sure, we were thinking along the lines of Damansky Island or some silly trade embargo. Well they got creative. We can’t predict everything Ma’am.”
“Ok. Thanks for the update. I am kind of in the middle of something right now. Bye.”
“Oh. There is one other thing…” Luzkhov persisted.
“Hmm?”
“We didn’t save tiger Zoya, it was the North Koreans who saved her.”
“What? But why did they get involved? Are we even allied?”
“Err… well they didn’t want to get sucked into a nuclear blowup. Out there the DPRK also has an ICBM silo. It’s about 5 Km from ours. So if a nuke went off the Americans would jump on it and spin things to say that the North Koreans did it.”
“Even if it was a Russian nuke?” asked Petrova incredulously.
“Yep. They wouldn’t dare accuse us. Even if they did we would deny… with proof. And nobody wants another he-said-she-said quagmire at The Hague. No. That’s not their style. North Korea would be the easy bogeyman. A great chance to sell more shitbirds to Tokyo and Seoul….”
“…any casualties on our side?”
“None. Like I said we have zero assets out there… by design. But the Chinese intelligence chief was killed. Their Premier Xiannian probably won’t walk for a while.”
“What the fuck??? Why were the Premier and the Intelligence Chief out on the field?”
“Guess they took it personally.”
“Shit. That’s serious shit.”
“Yeah, nothing good comes out of stalking cats.”
After a few seconds the President asked, “So, will the Chinese go after Pyongyang now?”
“Nah. The young leadership was clashing with their old school intelligence Chief. It was just a matter of time….”
“If you say so… What about the tiger, is it safe?”
“Yes. She is being sent to Pyongyang as we speak… on a luxury train. That brat probably thinks a selfie with a Siberian is cool…”
The President lifted a finger to the waiting Otto and her guards to hang on a bit longer.
“Ok. Whats our move Sergey? Do we even want the tiger back?”
“Our Pyongyang envoy, Dimitroff is one of the best. We will let him play.”
“Alright, Sergey, keep me posted.”
Otto extended an arm into the fireplace and felt around. Then he did a little tap, tap causing the bottom to give away exposing a 3x3ft square shaft. The shaft was lined with a good looking iron ladder. Otto yielded left as Mika and the President took a look. It was just a black square hole. Nothing more to it.
“Are you sure this is the way to your bunker?” checked the President.
“Yes Madam President,” replied Otto, his enthusiasm rising by the tick.
“So who goes first?” asked Mika fearing the answer. Exploring underground caves in search of the ‘ultimate weapon’ wasn’t something he looked forward to.
“Me of course,” cried Otto. “I go in first. President next. Then the three of you.”
“Oh. Okay. That sounds fine. But let me just switch places with the President.” Suggested Mika.
“Mika, how long do you think we can be away, without raising alarms?”
“Madam, its 1.45 now. We clocked in at 12.30 so that should give us three, three and a half hours.”
An excited Anna Petrova clapped her hands, “Alright gentlemen let’s get this party started.”
Otto Fuchs, Mika the guard, President Petrova, the other guards Vlad and Marat all descended down the fireplace. Their mission: to find this weapon that Otto had been blathering about.
Fifty feet into the abyss, they hit a small landing. Upon further review it was just big room with no doors or windows. “In the old times we called this Rest Point 1. To catch your breath. Ten minutes, we move again,” said Otto.
“Otto we are fine. Let’s get going. I don’t have all day for your antics,” chided the President.
“Sure madam. Follow me to the eastern wall.” The group headed by Otto went to a bare white-ish wall. Otto felt up the wall and touched something. The wall slid away and exposed a shiny metal door with a vertical slit down the middle.
“Madam, I present to you….”
“An elevator?”
“Yes of course.”
As Otto depressed the down button, the elevator opened with a traditional chime. Like many of its contemporaries, it was shiny steel on the inside, no pansy mirrors, an emergency phone, and just two buttons on the panel that read ‘0’ and ‘1’. It was certified to carry twelve.
Otto hit ‘0’ and said “We should be out in four minutes.”
“Four minutes? How far does your rat hole go?” asked a petrified Vlad.
“Oh it’s pretty, pretty deep. But don’t worry, its air conditioned and we got entertainment too.”