“I am sorry I can’t do more for our great nation, dear Leader.”
“Oh, don’t beat yourself Dong…” The Leader had just called him Dong. Wow he was on a first name basis with the leader of the laidback world. “…What you did out there at the tri-border was heroic. You will get the highest military medal during our 4th of July celebrations. Trust me.”
“Thank you Dear Leader.”
The cook came in with some rare steaks, which piqued the tiger’s interest.
Another yellow feverish-assistant buzzed in.
“Dear Leader, the Chinese Premier is on Line 1.”
The Leader watched Zoya the tiger gobble the steaks as he took the Chinese call. He motioned Dong Ki to take off. A relieved Dong Ki, saluted and left the Leader’s Summer Residence in one piece.
“Go for Leader.”
“Hey kid how are you?” jibed Xiannian, the Chinese Premier.
“What do you care? Just because I saved your sorry ass doesn’t mean we are back to buddies ok. Not after your ‘realignment of Chinese business interests’ crap.”
“Kid, trust me. It was the previous administration’s stand on the DPRK. Not mine.”
The Leader exhaled deeply before countering the Chinese Premier.
“Previous Administration? Whats gotten into you tea baggers? Previous administration? Who talks shit like that…? Of the top of my head only one country…”
“I know, I know things are changing in China. I just want to thank you for what you guys did.”
“Ya whatever man. I just can’t believe how your Hu Gong, talked you into this tiger abduction bs. Even a sophomore at Pyongyang State’s Political Sciences would have told you to stay the fuck away from that tiger.”
“Well we have our rare lapses. But he is gone now, which means…”
“Which means you can put your own guy, that perv, as the new chief of MSS.”
“Hey, Li is not a perv. He just wanted to make sure my wife wasn’t cheating.”
The Leader had the upper hand today, “Like I said to that Russian moron, Bears-Packers kick off is in like three minutes. So… make this quick.”
“Well, as a gesture of goodwill, you are invited to our thanks giving party this year. How does that sound kid?”
“Ok, I am listening.”
“Also, we know you love fireworks. We can’t lift the fireworks embargo, but how about a visit to Beijing or Shanghai, for our Chinese New year celebrations?”
“Hong Kong.”
“Kid you are busting my balls here. Shanghai and Beijing are way better than that cesspit. Trust me. Plus the whole ‘free media’ will be there.”
“Alright, I will think about it. Rodgers is lining up. I don’t plan to miss a single snap this season.”
“Well kid. Take care. No more stunts without telling us. That’s all we ask for.”
“The Leader can’t promise anything. Bye.”
By the end of the first quarter the Pack were up 10-0. No surprises there. As long as they had Rodgers, the Pack always had a chance. No personnel, coaching or front office shenanigans was going to change that. Sort of like himself and the DPRK. As long as North Korea had him as their Leader, they were always in the game.
Just as the Leader was ready to dive into his mock KFC bucket, he was informed that the Russian Foreign Minister wanted to chat.
The Leader grabbed the receiver and barked, “What is this asshole day? Sergey you dried up piece of shit, how dare you call me? Where are your protocols mofo? I am not talking to anyone lower than Anna Fucking Petrova herself.”
“…nobody talks to Sergey like that….”
The Leader hung up the phone. He had no intention of missing a bear beat down.
Chapter 14
Kremlin, Moscow
Anna Petrova felt invincible that morning. Walking the Kremlin’s power corridors, she finally felt ‘in place’. In the past year she had been jerked around by one dumb crisis after another, plus the Russian bureaucracy hadn’t helped either. Not anymore. Not anymore.
Everything looked different in Project Catie’s glow. Her guards Mika, Marat and Vlad had become more respectful towards her. No kid gloves.
To execute Project Catie and revive the Russian glory, she needed a few people. Not too many to fuck it up, but just a couple maybe. Sergey Luzkhov, had been rising through the Foreign Ministry, ever since 90s. Being the second most powerful dude in her administration, he had helped her navigate Crimea and the ensuing sanctions. Above all he seemed to be a Patriot who believed in Russia.
Sergey Luzkhov, the bespectacled diplomat and patriot stood up as the President walked into his office. He seemed flustered.
“Morning Sergey. Everything alright?”
“Dimitroff our man in Pyongyang has failed. I tried to do damage control and I ended up making things worse. My responsibility.” Luzkhov put up his hands defensively.
“What did you do?” asked Anna apprehensively. Was Sergey cracking?
“Well I broke protocol and spoke to that punk directly and he got pissed. Now he will only talk to you.”
Anna was slightly relieved. Project Catie was going to hurt a ton of countries, but The DPRK probably wasn’t one. The dumb brat could come in handy later. She didn’t have much to lose.
“Ok, fine. Get him on the phone right now. What does he want in return for the tiger?”
“God knows what that bum wants. Probably S-400 SAMs. Or aid… but most likely cocaine.”
“Don’t overthink it Sergey.”
“Ok Ma’am, but just make that you address him as Dear Leader or Leader.”
Five minutes later President Petrova was on the phone with the Great Leader.
Unlike the prickly conversation with Sergey, the Leader was quite jovial. The Packers had delivered the bear beat down.
“Hello Madam President. How are you?”
“He is probably high,” whispered Sergey.
“Leader, thank you for taking my call. You can call me Anna.”
“Oh ok, Anna… Anna I am huge fan of you and your work and your values. I like the new direction Russian direction.”
“You are very kind Dear Leader. I just wanted to thank you and your forces for saving our Russian treasure Zoya and staving off a nuclear strike.”
“Oh, did Sergey put you to this. We roughhouse all the time Anna. Don’t worry about it.”
“That is a relief Leader. Thank you.”
“Before you say anything, I am putting Zoya on the next deluxe train to Moscow.”
“But…”
“No buts Anna… I insist.”
“Don’t you want anything in return… Leader?”
“Did old Sergey tell you I demand things? Did he say I cry like a baby?”
“That devious shit,” seethed Sergey quietly.
“Uhh. No Dear Leader, Sergey has been all praise. In fact he invites you to his hometown Kirov. He wants to showcase its rich history.”
“Thanks. Tell him, I will think about it.”
“Good. Is there anything else, you would like to discuss Dear Leader?”
“Hmmm… let’s see… there is this one little thing…”
“Aha, I knew it. Here comes the dagger Madam,” frothed Sergey unable to contain his glee.
“I am all ears Dear Leader.”
“Anna, your predecessor’s administration made a deal with us. Your homeboy Sergey who is hiding behind your sweet behind is well aware of this.”
“I am not fucking hiding behind anyone’s back,” replied Sergey in a tightly contorted tone.
“Sergey Luzkhov in the flesh? Well Madam… Anna the deal, was we send you some sweet ores… iron ores, in exchange of something we need.”