Washington DC
“Thanks for tuning in to Calamity News, this is your host Blow Jobbs. French authorities have confirmed that yesterday’s riot at Le Bourget was indeed caused by the unveiling of the GAYDAR. During a live demonstration, the Russian GAYDAR apparently identified every Frenchman in the audience as being gay….”
Jim Borland burst into laughter. Those deranged Russian fucks…
“…things got testy when the GAYDAR identified *cough* accused *cough* two French nationals of Algerian descent…”
“…later at a nearby hospital, 99% of the identified, confessed to have at least had a thumb…”
“…the two Algerian-Frenchmen have also confirmed that they don’t swing according to societies’ pre-set beliefs… which brings the GAYDAR’s un-closeting efficiency to a 100%”
The new wave of laughter caused Jim to fall off his chair. He continued to guffaw in a fetal position for the next twenty two minutes.
“…welcome back to our 24x7x365 broadcast. This is Calamity News and I am your host Blow Jobbs… More reactions from world leaders on the GAYDAR. The German Chancellor was earlier quoted as ‘I think this is probably a prank. Nonetheless un very guud prank. Off the top of my head I can think of putting these in gay clubs… to perhaps keep out straight men trying to hit on…err…girls just having fun… proof? This happened to me… during my state visit to Brisbane’….”
The thought of the German Chancellor getting hit on by straight men in gay clubs put an end to Jim’s giggles… he threw up.
Calamity News’ Blow kept plowing ahead, “… in related news, the Russian delegation has been 86ed from Le Bourget for life. When asked about the ban, Russian Minister Luzkhov had this to say… ‘Boo freakin hoo…’ when pressed for details, Luzkhov added… ‘Well we were all set to unveil Project Katie, our new supersonic commercial airliner. Yeah it’s the Tupolev 420….super-fast and super long range. Can hit NYC in three hours… and we have no intention of selling it to the Frenchies… spasibo’….”
Jim Borland swore and reached for his blue line.
“…In other GAYDAR news, the City of Seattle and City of San Francisco hope to acquire a dozen…”
Sarah McAllister was somewhere over Iceland while Doug Sanders was deep inside a dark Eurostar tunnel. Both were unreachable.
“…stay tuned to find out what this former Iranian President had to say about the GAYDAR…”
Chapter 29
Kiev
“Ok. That should work. Well thank you… sure, talk to you next week.”
By the time the buffoon in Bangalore had uttered those words, it was 11PM in Kiev. The brute in Berlin took fifteen more minutes to come to the same conclusion. “Ok. That should work. Talk to you next week.”
The entire Albatross team had had to stay back on a Tuesday night, as the brute and the buffoon had asininely walked through every one of the 85 remaining bugs.
“Well that went well,” said Ilya.
“I guess… how long was it?” asked Pulikesi.
Ilya checked his phone, “Phew 4hrs… that’s a record… Hey, I was hoping we could take the day off tomorrow? I mean we have been here since 7.”
“Nah. It’s only Tuesday. I don’t think I can approve that.”
“I distinctly heard Von Barfman say that you are the man.”
“He was being polite… just a corporate asshole.”
“Well your own guy in Bangalore also said quote he never expected this pleasant surprise…’”
“Fine. Thursday, 8AM sharp.”
Ilya messengered the team, as a boisterous chorus broke out “Da…da…da…”
Pulikesi saw a sudden flash… an unidentified flying object… headed right at him. Fuck.
“Pulikesi… catch,” shouted one of the developers.
Pulikesi dived as Ilya caught the vodka bottle one handed and proceeded to take a massive swig. Within seconds the entire dev floor was filled with clinking bottles and dudes. Someone even plugged in an electronic mix into the old prison’s PA system. The old PA system had probably been used for wolf music. Its acoustics were… incredible.
A developer, happy as a clown handed him a personal shot. As Pulikesi held out his hand the drink exploded into a fiery shower. Oooh cool trick thought Pulikesi. The hollow point had ignited the vodka.
Then the music turned staccato. The staccato was accompanied by flashes. Then the music stopped entirely. Pulikesi heard something super loud. After that he couldn’t hear much. But there was a lot of smoke and everyone was running wild. There didn’t seem to be any blood though…
“Old Badger, this is Alpha Leader.”
“Go ahead, Alpha Leader,” said Primakov. He silently winced at his new codename. Some SVR bozo had dug up his file and was now taunting him.
“Old Badger, we have bagged them up. They are good to go.”
“Any causalities? Major hits?”
“Nope. None whatsoever.”
“Sweet. Alright we are coming in,” said Primakov getting up from his desk on the Kiev-Lubyanka’s 4th floor.
“Boss, can I just say this is one of the best ops we… you have planned. I mean hitting the target by sitting in the target… I gotta say…”
“Korlov… get a grip even the Yakutsk FSB would have come up with a similar approach.” Primakov seethed, “Using our old prison to develop software that we can’t even use? What were they thinking?”
Both the decoy Katie and the real Project Catie, needed some airline software. So when Primakov had found that the Albatross was developed at their old Kiev-Lubyanka it had become irresistible. Inevitable. The Kiev-Spetsnaz had simply camped out in the building’s attic and waited for the long conference call to end.
“How many?” asked Primakov as he entered the dev floor.
A few toppled monitors. But otherwise not much damage.
“Forty three,” replied the Alpha Team Leader.
“My records say forty two,” said Korlov.
Alpha Leader shrugged, “Well we found forty three.”
“Fine. We’ll id the black sheep later. Bag them up.”
“The equipment too?”
“I thought we were clear on this. Bag everything and everybody up… Korlov call the trucks. Get them to the loading bay.”
Thirty minutes later, two garbage trucks sped away from the Kiev-Lubyanka. The Kamaz Trashmasters were headed to Moscow. Primakov and Korlov rode in the back of the first truck, along with the 43 dazed Ukrainians. Should have been 42, but…
“Boss you sure there won’t be any issues at the border?” asked Korlov.
“Relax. We ran out of landfills in Moscow. Moscow’s streets are lined with trash. So we need more trucks to move the trash out to Yekaterinburg. Easy.”
“Yeah I drove on Merv Prospekt. It smelt real.”
“Because it is real.”
“The border guards may believe it, but what about the SBU agents… Ukrainian Intelligence? I am sure there are a few manning the Sumy-Kursk crossing.”
“Don’t worry, Calamity News interrupted a Kardashian interview with the ‘Moscow Stinker’ story. Trust me… the second they interrupted Big K, they began to believe it… truly and deeply.”
A few minutes later Korlov pondered aloud, “So how did we mess the count? Who is the 43rd?”
“Well it’s getting harder to operate in Kiev… you know… since…”
Sumy — Kursk Border Crossing