“All right. I went with Charles to a family station,” I admitted. “He’s nice.”
“He’s pretty,” Diane said wistfully. “I’m happy for you, Casseia.”
I rolled up my bag. “Can I listen to my messages in private?”
“Now you can,” Diane said.
The message from Charles made my heart pound. He was still pushing.
An hour after arriving at Shrinktown, Charles had recorded, “You left your slate in my bag. I’m sending it to your home station now. I just wanted to make sure you understand that I’m serious. I love you and I don’t think I’ll ever find another woman like you. I know you need time. But I know we can share our dreams. I miss you already.”
He was more impressed with me than I was. I sat on the edge of the cot, scared out of my wits.
I lay awake that night, aroused by the floating memories of Charles. It had been so confusing and so wonderful, but I knew I was too young to get married. Some did lawbond at my age: those who had morphed their futures since second form, who knew what they wanted and how to get it.
If I told Charles I did not wish to marry now, he would smile and say, “You have all the time you need.” And that wasn’t the answer I wanted to hear. The truth was, what needed to mature in me was my whole approach to mixing the inner life with the outer. What if Charles was not ideally suited for me? Why settle for something less than the best?
I shook my head bitterly, feeling so very selfish and even treasonous. Charles had given me everything. How could I refuse?
How could I think such thoughts and yet still profess, even to myself, that I loved him?
I sent a text message back, not trusting my voice: The time at Trés Haut Médoc was lovely. I’ll treasure it always. I can’t talk about going lawbond because I am much less sure of myself than you seem to be. I want to see you as soon as possible. We need to get together with our friends and do all sorts of things before we can even think about commitment, don’t you agree?
I signed off with Love, Casseia Majumdar. I had signed letters to distant relatives that way. Not I love you, a strong declaration, but simply, tersely, Love. Charles would be hurt by that. It hurt me to write it and not change it…
But I sent the message. I left a farewell message on the room for Diane, who was staying at Durrey to study in privacy.
Then I boarded the train to North Solis . I leaned my head against the double-paned glass and looked out at nighttime Mars, at Phobos like, a dull searchlight above the glooming hills west of Durrey.
I am frightened, I told myself. I can never again be what I was. I can never be to another what I was to Charles. Something has ended and I am afraid.
I made the trip across Claritas Fossae back to Jiddah Pla-num and Ylla, the bosom of my family, greeting my parents and brother with affection, falsely trying to convey a jaunty air of self-assurance, everything’s fine here, I’m just the same as always. But I’m a lover now, Father. Mom, I’ve had a man, and it was wonderful… I mean, he was wonderful, and I think I’m in love, but it’s going very fast, and God I wish I could talk to you, really talk…
Charles did not respond for three days.
Perhaps he had plumbed the depths of my character and decided he had made a serious mistake. Perhaps he had seen through to my basic immaturity and insincerity and decided to write me off as a Shinktown sweet after all.
My slate was delivered by postal arbeiter, but I had already ordered another, not trusting the room to record all my messages. I could not concentrate on planning my next octant’s curriculum. I was a nervous wreck.
I hated the suspense and uncertainty. I had felt I was in control and had lost that control and now it was my turn to be played on the line like a fish. Irritation turned to numb sadness. But I did not call him.
At the end of three days, as I undressed for a very lonely bed, Charles called me direct.
I robed and took his call in my room. His image came clear as life over my bed. He looked exhausted and sounded devastated and his face was ghostly pale. “I’m really sorry I’ve been out of touch,” he said. “I wish we could talk in person. It’s been a nightmare here.”
“What’s wrong?‘ I asked.
“Our BM has had all of its Earth contracts severed. I had to fly to McAuliff Valley for a family meeting. I’m there now. God, I’m sorry, you must have thought — ”
“I’m fine,” I said. “I didn’t hear anything on the nets.”
“It’s not public yet. Don’t tell anybody, Casseia. I think we’re being voided because our Lunar branch is starting up major prochine operations in Lagrange. Earth doesn’t like it. The Greater East-West Alliance, actually, but it might as well be the whole Earth.”
GEWA — pronounced Jee-wah, an economic union of Asia , North America , India and Pakistan , the Philippines , and parts of the Malay Archipelago — had been causing problems for a number of BMs, including Majumdar.
“Is it really that bad?”
“We can’t ship any goods to Earth, and we can’t exchange process data with GEWA signatories.”
“How does that affect you?” I asked.
“We’re looking at an across-the-board loss for the next five Earth years. My scholarship is down the tubes,” Charles said. “I had hoped to join the Trans-Mars Physics Co-op for my fifth-form studies. If Klein can’t ante up, I can’t pay my share, and I don’t even go to fifth form.”
“Damn,” I said. “I know how much that means — ”
“It puts everything on hold, Casseia. What you said… about taking time to think things through…” His voice shook and he worked to control it. “Casseia, I can’t possibly go lawbond, I don’t have any prospects for scholarship — ”
“It’s okay,” I said.
“I feel like an idiot. Everything was going so well, maybe, I thought, maybe we can — ”
“Yeah.” I hurt for him.
“I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to be.”
“I love you so much.”
“Yeah,” I said.
“I want to see you. As soon as I’m free here — we have some family decisions to make, consensus on BM direction, response, and so on — ”
“Serious. I know.”
“I want to get together. At Durrey, when we go back, or at Ylla, wherever. No pressure, just… see you.”
“I want to see you, too.”
He reaffirmed that he loved me, and we mumbled our way through farewells. His image faded and I took a deep breath and got a drink of water.
Charles was in trouble and that took pressure off me, and I felt guilty relief. I knew I had to talk to someone, soon, but my Mother and Father certainly would not do…
I called Diane.
She answered with vid off, then switched it on. She wore a ragged blue robe she had treasured since girlhood. She had caked her hair with Vivid, a mud-colored treatment she was addicted to. It rolled slowly on her scalp. “I know, I know, I’m ugly,” she said. “What’s up?”
I told her about Charles’s situation. I told her he had asked me to lawbond and that we couldn’t now. That I was and had been very confused.
She whistled and dropped onto her cot. “Lightspeed kind of guy, isn’t he?” she asked, narrowing her eyes. Talking remote was never the same as being in the same room, especially for a good heartfelt, but Diane’s manner cut the distance. “You told him to go slow, I hope.”
“I don’t think he can. He sounds so in love.”