“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Amelia murmured, and she climbed up, Grace following behind.
Unfortunately for Amelia, and for Grace, and for Lord Crowland, who had decided to ride in the carriage after they’d stopped to water the horses, the dowager decided to make conversation after all.
Although conversation did imply a certain two-sidedness that Amelia was quite certain did not exist within the confines of their carriage.
There were many directives, and twice that complaints. But conversation was in short supply.
Amelia’s father lasted only thirty minutes before he banged on the front wall, demanding to be let out.
Traitor, Amelia thought. He’d planned since her birth to place her in the dowager’s household, and he could not manage more than a half an hour?
He made a rather feeble attempt at apology at lunch-not for attempting to force her to marry someone against her will, just for leaving the carriage that morning-but whatever sympathy she might have had for him vanished when he began to lecture her about her future and his decisions regarding thereof.
Her only respite came after lunch, when both the dowager and Grace nodded off. Amelia just stared out the window, watching Ireland roll by, listening to the clip-clop of the horses’ hooves. And all the while she could not help but wonder how this had all come to pass. She was far too sensible to think herself dreaming, but really-how could one’s life be so completely altered, almost overnight? It did not seem possible. Just last week she was Lady Amelia Willoughby, fiancée to the Duke of Wyndham. And now she was…
Dear heavens, it was almost comical. She was still Lady Amelia Willoughby, fiancée to the Duke of Wyndham.
But nothing was the same.
She was in love. With what was possibly the wrong man. And did he love her? She couldn’t tell. He liked her, of that she felt sure. He admired her. But love?
No. Men like Thomas did not fall in love so quickly. And if they did-if he did-it would not be with someone like her, someone he’d known his entire life. If Thomas fell into an overnight sort of love, it would be with a beautiful stranger. He’d see her across a crowded room, he’d be struck by a powerful feeling, a knowledge that they shared a destiny. A passion.
That was how Thomas would fall in love.
If he fell in love.
She swallowed, hating the lump in her throat, hating the smell in the air, hating the way she could see the specks of dust floating through the late afternoon sunlight.
There was a lot to hate that afternoon.
Across from her, Grace began to stir. Amelia watched the process. It was actually rather fascinating to watch someone wake up; she didn’t think she’d ever done so before. Finally Grace opened her eyes, and Amelia said quietly, “You fell asleep.” She put a finger to her lips, motioning with her head toward the dowager.
Grace covered a yawn, then asked, “How much longer do you think we have until we get there?”
“I don’t know. Perhaps an hour? Two?” Amelia sighed and leaned back, closing her eyes. She was tired. They were all tired, but she was feeling selfish just then and preferred to dwell upon her own exhaustion. Maybe she could nod off. Why was it that some people fell asleep so easily in carriages, and others-most notably herself-couldn’t seem to do it anywhere but a bed? It didn’t seem fair, and-
“What will you do?”
It was Grace’s voice. And much as Amelia wanted to feign ignorance, she found that she could not do it. It didn’t much matter, anyway, since the answer would be wholly unsatisfying. She opened her eyes. Grace looked as if she wished she had not asked.
“I don’t know,” Amelia said. She leaned back against the seat cushion and closed her eyes again. She liked traveling with her eyes closed. She felt the rhythm of the wheels better. It was soothing. Well, most of the time. Not today. Not on her way to some heretofore unknown village in Ireland, where her future would be decided by the contents of a church register.
Not today, after her father had lectured her for the entire luncheon meal, leaving her feeling rather like a recalcitrant child.
Not today, when-
“Do you know what the funniest part of it is?” Amelia asked, the words coming forth before she realized what she was saying.
“No.”
“I keep thinking to myself, ‘This isn’t fair. I should have a choice. I should not have to be traded and bartered like some sort of commodity.’ But then I think, ‘How is this any different? I was given to Wyndham years ago. I never made a complaint.’”
She said this all to the darkness of her own eyelids. It was strangely more satisfying that way.
“You were just a baby,” Grace said.
“I have had many years to lodge a complaint.”
“Amelia-”
“I have no one to blame but myself.”
“That’s not true.”
She finally opened her eyes. One of them, at least. “You’re just saying that.”
“No, I’m not. I would,” Grace said, “but as it happens, I am telling the truth. It’s not your fault. It’s not anyone’s fault, really. I wish it were. It would be so much easier that way.”
“To have someone to blame?”
“Yes.”
And then Amelia whispered, “I don’t want to marry him.”
“Thomas?”
Thomas? Whatever was she thinking? “No,” Amelia said. “Mr. Audley.”
Grace’s lips parted with surprise. “Really?”
“You sound so shocked.”
“No, of course not,” Grace quickly replied. “It’s just that he’s so handsome.”
Amelia gave a little shrug. “I suppose. Don’t you find him a little too charming?”
“No.”
Amelia looked at Grace with newfound interest. Her no had been a tad bit more defensive than she would have expected. “Grace Eversleigh,” she said, lowering her voice as she darted a quick look toward the dowager, “do you fancy Mr. Audley?”
And then it was more than obvious that she did, because Grace stammered and spluttered, and made a noise that sounded rather like a toad.
Which amused Amelia to no end. “You do.”
“It does not signify,” Grace mumbled.
“Of course it signifies,” Amelia replied pertly. “Does he fancy you? No, don’t answer, I can see from your face that he does. Well. I certainly shall not marry him now.”
“You should not refuse him on my account,” Grace said.
“What did you just say?”
“I can’t marry him if he’s the duke.”
Amelia wanted to swat her. How dare she give up on love? “Why not?”
“If he is the duke, he will need to marry someone suitable.” Grace gave her a sharp look. “Of your rank.”
“Oh, don’t be silly. It’s not as if you grew up in an orphanage.”
“There will be scandal enough. He must not add to it with a sensational marriage.”
“An actress would be sensational. You will merely be a week’s worth of gossip.” She waited for Grace to comment, but she looked so flustered, and so…so…sad. Amelia could hardly bear it. She thought of Grace, in love with Mr. Audley, and she thought of herself, drifting on the tide of other people’s expectations.
This wasn’t how she wanted to be.
This wasn’t who she wanted to be.
“I do not know Mr. Audley’s mind,” she said, “or his intentions, but if he is prepared to dare everything for love, then you should be, too.” She reached out and squeezed Grace’s hand. “Be a woman of courage, Grace.” She smiled then, as much for herself as for Grace.
And she whispered, “I shall be one, too.”
Chapter 17
The journey to Butlersbridge proceeded much as Thomas had anticipated. Along with Jack and Lord Crowland, he rode horseback, the better to enjoy the fine weather. There was very little talk; they never quite managed to keep themselves in an even enough line to converse. Every now and then one of them would increase his pace or fall behind, and one horse would pass another. Perfunctory greetings would be exchanged.