Weston felt the same. He was very expansive this evening, and was more than usually talkative when I joined him for dinner.
Emma was there, and looking well. We spoke of many things, including Miss Fairfax.
"I wonder that Jane Fairfax spends so much time with Mrs. Elton," said Emma.
"We cannot suppose that she has any great enjoyment at the vicarage, my dear Emma," said Mrs.
Weston, "but it is better than being always at home."
"Another thing must be taken into consideration, too," I said. "Mrs. Elton does not talk to Miss Fairfax as she speaks of her. And besides the operation of this, as a general principle, you may be sure that Miss Fairfax awes Mrs. Elton by her superiority both of mind and manner. Such a woman as Jane Fairfax probably never fell in Mrs. Elton’s way before - and no degree of vanity can prevent her acknowledging her own comparative littleness in action, if not in consciousness."
I tried to do full justice to Miss Fairfax’s virtues, because I knew I could never marry her.
"I know how highly you think of Jane Fairfax," said Emma anxiously. "And yet…" She stopped, as if she did not know how to continue, then went on: "And yet, perhaps, you may hardly be aware yourself how highly it is. The extent of your admiration may take you by surprise some day or other."
Although I had had a similar idea myself, I did not want her to know it, so I bent and fastened the button of my gaiter to prevent her seeing my confusion.
"Oh! are you there?" I asked. "But you are miserably behindhand. Mr. Cole gave me a hint of it six weeks ago. That will never be, however, I can assure you. Miss Fairfax, I dare say, would not have me if I were to ask her; and I am very sure I shall never ask her."
"You are not vain, Mr. Knightley. I will say that for you," Emma replied.
To my surprise, she was not angry that I would not fall in with her plans. She was relieved.
"So you have been settling that I should marry Jane Fairfax," I said curiously, wondering exactly what had been going through her mind.
"No indeed I have not. You have scolded me too much for matchmaking for me to presume to take such a liberty with you. Oh no, upon my word I have not the smallest wish for your marrying Jane Fairfax or Jane anybody. You would not come in and sit with us in this comfortable way, if you were married."
Ah. So that was it. She liked my company, and would miss it if it were gone. I thought of Routledge and his words to me in London. Marry Emma! I had said it was a ludicrous idea, but was it?
I had tried to take an interest in Miss Larch, and I had failed. I had tried to take an interest in Mrs. Lovage, and I had failed. And I had tried to take an interest in Jane Fairfax, and I had failed. But I had never failed to take an interest in Emma, and I did so without even trying.
Why had I not seen it before? I never thought of anyone but Emma. But then my spirits sank as I realized that Emma could think of no one but Frank Churchill.
I could fiddle with my gaiter no longer.
"Jane Fairfax is a very charming young woman - but not even Jane Fairfax is perfect," I said. "She has a fault. She has not the open temper which a man would wish for in a wife."
The open temper that Emma has.
"You soon silenced Mr. Cole, I suppose?" she said.
"Yes, very soon. He gave me a quiet hint; I told him he was mistaken; he asked my pardon and said no more. Cole does not want to be wiser or wittier than his neighbours," I said, with a wry smile. "Jane Fairfax has feeling," I said, to give her her due, for I did not want Emma and Mrs. Weston to think I was slighting her. "I do not accuse her of want of feeling. Her sensibilities, I suspect, are strong, and her temper excellent in its power of forbearance, patience, self-control." An image of Jane rose before me, and I could not help my real feelings from coming through. "But it wants openness. She is reserved, more reserved, I think, than she used to be: And I love an open temper. No; "til Cole alluded to my supposed attachment, it had never entered my head," I added, for I did not want to harm Jane’s reputation by letting anyone know I had thought of marrying her, but had rejected the idea. "I saw Jane Fairfax and conversed with her, with admiration and pleasure always; but with no thought beyond."
Emma and Mrs. Weston exchanged glances, and I felt I had spent enough time talking about Jane Fairfax. Indeed, I had spent enough time talking altogether, and I soon excused myself, returning to the Abbey, where William Larkins was waiting for me, with the accounts.
Wednesday 7 April
John is to be with us shortly, with his two sons, and it will not be a moment too soon. My only regret is that John cannot stay. He will be here for a day, but then he must go back to London. We must be grateful that he is leaving the boys with us. It will provide us with some welcome company; company, moreover, that is more to my taste than the present Highbury company. I am growing tired of Weston’s talk about his son. Never a day seems to go by without him having a letter from his son, or expecting a letter, or wishing for a letter, and with it goes a wish that his son might pay us another visit. He seems to be obsessed with the young man, and Mrs. Weston is just as bad!
And if I am not hearing about Frank Churchill, I am seeing the Eltons!
I seem to meet them everywhere I go. The whole of Highbury is giving parties for them. Mrs. Elton can do nothing but talk of her sister and her sister’s barouche-landau, and if I hear another comment about Mr. Suckling and Maple Grove, I am liable to say something I shall regret.
Thursday 8 April
It was a relief to throw myself into Abbey business today and forget about my neighbours.
Friday 9 April
It is a good thing I am in a better temper today! Emma is arranging a dinner party for the Eltons, and of course I must go, and be polite to Mrs. Elton. I admire the way Emma is bearing it all. I am sure she does not wish to see them, but she is behaving as though nothing unfortunate happened between her and Mr. Elton. I am sure in my own mind that he proposed, or came as close to it as makes no difference. What else would have made him leave Highbury so suddenly after Christmas, if he had not made a declaration and been rejected? So, on the 13th, I must brace myself to hear all about Mr. Suckling and Maple Grove.
Saturday 10 April
An unlucky chance has made my brother choose the day of the party for his visit to Hartfield. He is not fond of company at the best of times, and to have to endure it without his wife present, and with a bridal couple who must be made much of, will be a sore trial to him. I can only hope he will curb his temper, and not upset Mr. Woodhouse.
Emma is worried because it will put her numbers out, and her father’s nerves are on edge because it makes the party bigger than he cares for.
The one good thing is that Harriet has cried off. She does not want to see Elton, I suppose, after Emma put it into her head to think of him.
How the matter of Harriet will resolve itself I do not know.
Monday 12 April
Emma’s problems have been solved in an unexpected way. Weston has been summoned to town, and cannot attend the dinner, though he means to call in afterwards, when he returns, so Emma’s numbers are now perfect.
All is now settled. John arrives tomorrow. He will be calling here first, and then going on to Hartfield, where he will leave the boys.
Tuesday 13 April
My two eldest nephews are growing apace. They are bright, lively boys, and they chased each other round the garden as John and I took a walk. He told me that Isabella and the other three children were well, and that his business is prospering. I took him to see the new path, and he approved of what I had done.