In all of my wandering I stayed clear of New York. I thought the Apple would slam me to the pavement and squash me flat. Three years after I took the programming job, the software company relocated to New Brunswick, New Jersey. For the first time in my life I had a little money in the bank, and once I got to New Brunswick, New York started flashing and gleaming in the distance, beckoning me to the party. Two or three nights every month, I took the train to the city and stopped in at restaurants and jazz clubs. I went to a Beethoven piano recital by Alfred Brendel at Avery Fisher Hall and Robert Shaw'sMissa Solemnis at Carnegie Hall. I heard B. B. King and Phil Woods and one of Ella Fitzgerald's last concerts. Eventually I started calling; a few software outfits in New York, and two years after moving to New Jersey I got a better job, packed up, and went to the party.
I had an apartment across from St. Mark's Church on East Tenth Street and a decent job, and I was happier than ever before in my life. The right place turned out to be the one I'd been most afraid of all along, which sounded about right. On my birthdays, I called in sick and stayed in bed. And then, in the midst of my orderly life, I started getting this feeling about my mother.
• 12
• It began as a kind of foreboding. A few months after moving to New York, I telephoned Aunt Nettie to ask if she had heard anything from Star. No, she said, how about you? I told her I'd been worried and gave her my number. "That girl, she's made out of iron," Nettie said. "Instead of fretting about your mother, you ought to worry about yourself for a change."
I told myself that Nettie would call me if anything serious happened. Nettie loved disaster, she would sound any necessary alarm. But what if Star had not alerted her? I called Aunt Nettie again. She told me that my mother was in East Cicero, "whoopin' it up," she said, "with two old rascals." I asked her for Star's telephone number, but Nettie had lost it and could not remember the names of the two old rascals. They owned a nightclub, but she couldn't remember its name, either.
"It's no difference," she said. "Star is going to let us know if she needs help, and if anything happens to us, she won't have to be told to get here as fast as she can. She'll just know. A streak of second sight runs through the Dunstans, and Star has her share. You do, too, I think."
"Second sight?" I asked. "That's news to me."
"You don't know beans about your own family, that's why. They say no one would play cards with my father because he could see what they had in their hands."
"You don't really believe that," I said.
She gave a soft, knowing laugh. "You'd be surprised at some of the things I believe."
One night I dreamed that I crawled into my mother's bed on Cherry Street and heard her mutter a name or word that sounded like "Rinehart." Part of the dream's experience was the awareness that I was dreaming, and part of my awareness was of replaying a moment from childhood. My worries subsided again, though the underlying anxiety surfaced when I was alone in my apartment, especially if I was doing something that reminded me of her, like washing the dishes or listening to Billie Holiday on WBGO. At the start of the third week in May, I asked for all my accumulated sick leave on the grounds of a family emergency. My boss told me to take as much time as I needed and keep in touch. I started shoving things into my duffel bag as soon as I got home.
I didn't think I was going anywhere in particular. It never occurred to me that under the pressure of anxiety, I was reverting to my old, self-protective pattern. At the same time, as I said before, I knew exactly where I was going and why. At the moment Star was boarding the Greyhound, I was in the cab of a Nationwide Paper sixteen-wheeler bound for Flagstaff, enjoyably discussing the condition of African Americans in the United States with its driver, Mr. Bob Mims, and my defenses collapsed and the truth rushed in. Star had used the last of her strength to get herself home, and I was going there to be with her when she died. Once Bob Mims found out why I wanted to get to Edgerton, he veered from his normal route to take me to the Motel Comfort south of Chicago on the interstate.
After an hour of waving my thumb at the side of the highway, I checked in to the motel. All the car-rental agencies were closed for the night. I went to the bar and started talking to a young assistant D.A. from Louisville named Ashleigh Ashton who was on maybe her second sea breeze. When she spelled her name and asked if I thought it was (a) pretentious and (b) too cute for a prosecutor, the drink in front of her seemed more likely to have been her third. If she didn't like the way defendants grinned when they heard her name, I said, she should grin back and put 'em away. That was a pretty good idea, she said, would I like to hear another one?
Whoops, I thought, three for sure, and said, "I have to get out of here pretty early."
"I do, too. Let's leave. If I stay here any longer, oneof these guys is going to jump me."
Sitting at the bar were two heavyweights with graying beards and biker jackets, a kid in a T-shirt readingmo' beer HERE,a couple of guys with chains around their necks and tattoos peeping out from under their short-sleeved sport shirts, and a specter in a cheap gray suit who looked like a serial killer taking a break from his life's work. All of them were eyeing her like starving dogs.
I walked her through what seemed a half mile of empty corridors. She gave me a quizzical, questioning look when she unlocked her door, and I followed her in. She said, "What's your story anyhow, Ned Dunstan? I hate to bring it up, but your clothes look like you've been hitchhiking."
I gave her a short-form answer that implied that I had learned of my mother's illness while hitchhiking for pleasure on a whim. "It was something I used to do when I was a kid," I said. "I should have known better. If I had a car, I could get to Edgerton tonight."
"Edgerton? That's where I'm going!" Suspicion rose into her eyes for a moment, and then she realized that I could not have known of her destination until she announced it. "If we're still speaking to each other tomorrow morning, I could give you a ride."
"Why wouldn't we be speaking to each other?"
"I don't know." She raised her arms and looked wildly from side to side in only half a parody of extremity. "Don't guys hate the idea of waking up beside someone they don't know? Or get disgusted with themselves, because they think the woman's cheap? It's a mystery to me. I haven't had sex in a year. Thirteen months, to be exact."
Ashleigh Ashton was a small, athletic-looking woman with short, shiny-blond hair and the face of a model for Windfoil parkas in an Eddie Bauer catalog. She had spent years proving to the men who took her for a cupcake that she was capable, smart, and tough.
"Why is that?" I asked.
"The charming process of getting divorced from my husband, I suppose. I found out he was screwing half his female clients." An ironic light shone in her eye. "Guess what kind of practice he had."
"Divorce law."
She pressed her palm to her forehead. "Ashleigh, you're a cliché! Anyhow, I asked you those questions because I'm thinking about going back to my maiden name. Turner. Ashleigh Turner."
"Good idea," I said. Her divorce was probably no more than a week old. "The bad boys won't smirk at you. But if you weren't looking to get picked up, why did you go to the bar?"
"I thought I was waiting for you." She glanced away, and the corner of her mouth curled up. "Sal and Jimmy asked me on a tour of their favorite Sinatra bars. The kid in the beer shirt, Ray, invited me into his room to do coke. He has alot of coke with him, and he's on his way to Florida. Isn't that the wrong way around? Don't people go to Florida to get the stuff and bring it back here? Those bikers, Ernie and Choke, wanted. . . . Forget what they wanted, but it sure would have been adventurous."