I drop to my knees as he realises me, crying as I get up from the floor as I rearrange my clothing, he throws an envelope at me I pick up the envelope and I place it in my jacket.
“ Open it when you get home you will also accompany me to a ball, your dress will be delivered an hour before.”
After leaving work I open my front door and sink to my knees the strength it took to get home is all I can manage, I curl up on the floor my arms are my only comfort as I cry.
I loved Alex but I also hated him in what he has become, my master, my lover and my boss all rolled into one. The gentle touches of tenderness then the cruelty of his beating were destroying me.
Checking my laptop, my C. V deleted and the application of job proposal that I had sent out returned undelivered trapped in this nightmare until he saw fit to dismiss me whenever that was. I curl up on the couch as I pull out the envelope from my jacket.
There is ticket to the ball, as well as a note that simply read, “See you later.”
I close my eyes as I huddle in my arms; I switch on the laptop back to life as I send him my response:
Alex do what you want to me, you have finally destroyed me — Clara.
Later that afternoon a loud knock came from the front door, as I answered Alex stood there with flowers offering a gesture he smiled and entered the flat.
“I need a shower,” I told him, Alex holds onto my hand as I stand there in the hall way my fingers lingering as I pull free from his grip.
“I cannot carry on working for you anymore this is over, close the door on your way out”
He tries to speak but I do not hang around as he struggles to find something meaningful or some words to take my pain away.
Alex is gone when I c ame out from the shower; part of me hoped he would stay.
I d id not see the note when I first sat down on my sofa, but my heart lifts a little as I notice it, he has not discarded me without explaining. I open the note with tears falling it simply reads.
“ The deal still stands you are mine until I see fit to let you go. See you in work. Alex.”
I lay wide-awake most of the evening; not being able to sleep I decided to go back downstairs and switch on my laptop, playing silly games to distract myself, talking to strangers across the other side of the world. I consider them as friends even though we have never met. I know of their family events as well as tragedies, I do not pretend to know them or them of me but the connection is real,
The same as going into a coffee shop every day with the same member of staff serving you at your table, You know of them and they would affect your life if they became no more, even if it was the first day you entered the coffee shop.
A message opens from my emails a message from Alex is the only new message, it only says. “I am coming over.”
I type franticly: No, but I do not get a reply. I start pacing my room, with hope and fear as I wait my heart pumping fast with every second that passes until the front door opens. Alex boldly walks in and cradles me in his arms.
“Sorry I took your keys earlier” he kisses me a nd embraces my face.
“No. I don’t want to Alex,” he smiles.
“Just because you learnt a new word does not give you the right to wear it out,” he takes me in his arms as he carries me to my bedroom, just holding me until dawn.
Alex was gone when I awoke, no note to explain why. I almost think I had imagined him here but his shape was still on my mattress, he must have just left me. I shower and dress for work as normal, but I feel as far from normal as any raving lunatic.
I did not see him for the rest of the week, I found out he had booked a holiday that morning without notice. Avoiding me by absence, cowardly but was sure to work because I would not be able to speak to him.
Emails everyday reminding me of our pact, that I was his, my replies went unanswered. Flowers arriving daily from his brother, requesting me to meet him, how he could not get me out of his mind, empty words of love for me I binned them as soon as they arrived.
I have an email to wax before the ball, I do as he commands with everything waxed, as he desired. The ball gives me hope that he still wants me, but not seeing him until then also worries me. The emails are longer apart as the next week comes and goes, days in-between now go by before his email weaning me off him.
When my dress arrives on the day of the ball, my heart skips a beat he still wanted me. The dress was a long Ivory satin ball gown that looked transparent, as if I was naked. No wonder he wanted my pubic hair gone. I have already ordered a taxi but Alex driver picks me up as I reach for my coat the driver informs me that I would not need it.
It was not warm out but I leave it behind, my nipples hardening as soon as I step outside I blush as his driver stares. I have no underwear on, as there is very little from the dress especially at the back and with a side split up my left leg to my thigh.
He watches my leg s as he holds open my door; I start to feel uncomfortable and get back out. He looks at me confused.
“Sorry I’m getting a taxi,” he gently grabs my arm as he pushes me in the car and slams the door I pull the handle but it would not open. I watch him phone before he gets in the driver’s seat Alex voice reassuring me that I was safe, I look for a phone or something so I can talk to him as my panic takes over.
“Clara relax,”
“No,” he laughs as I struggle more on the door.
“Clara,” he says firmly as I feel myself protection taking over me as I stop resisting.
“Why could you not pick me up?” there is no response, the driver starts up the car checking me in the mirror, he smiles to try to reassure me he meant me no harm, or was he just a man looking at breasts.
I d id not hate men it was just one man that made it hard for me to trust them.
We pulled outside the function, As soon as I hear the car door unlock pulling the handle, as if I was a racehorse I was off with a run before the driver could open my door not easy in this dress as it wraps around my legs the driver catches me as I stumble.
“It is alright Miss, I got you.” He smiles kindly as he sets me on my feet.
“No one will hurt you Miss,” I try to pull myself together as he still holds me until he is sure I could stand.
“I will be waiting for you until you are ready to leave,”
“Thank you,” It is all I can summon for over reacting like a child, he a kind man I can now see that in his eyes. I feel guilty for judging him because of my past.
“Sir is waiting,” I look in the direction of the hotel steps; Alex is watching me at the entrance.
“Why couldn’t he not pick me up?” there I go again speaking aloud.
“He said it be good for you Miss.” I look ed at the driver; this was some sort of sick therapy. I done therapy before I am not going to do it again, there is nothing wrong with me apart from being cautious, Alex grabs my arm.
“Come along slut,” I pull my arm away furiously marching up the steps.
“There you go again thinking you in control, you not Clara you are mine.” He grabs my arm again, with his nails digging into my arm.
“Why is it, you only fight me?” is that true, I think over the last few years he is right anyone who wanted it I fucked freely but I have fought him all the way, I am losing but I still fight.
Alex marches me up through the hotel to the ballroom, then right up to his brother.
“Happy birthday, have fun with her, any trouble just pin her down until she freezes.” He thrusts me into his brother arms and walks away. Laughing as he grabs me as he kisses me, his smoky breath clogging my lungs.
The flash of the camera as his hands grab my arse, I can feel my need to not fight but I summon up the strength to push him away as I slap his face with all I got, he just smiles like he is the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland.
“ Alex said to pin you down,” he flips me over his shoulder as he takes me to the elevator. Why does no one help me? Pinning me to the wall of the car until I stop moving, my tears are the only sign I give that I do not want this, move I beg myself. Why do I go lifeless like this? However, I know why, it was better this way.