I was sweating, uneasy and weary in mind and body. I eased myself an inch away from Tess. Our bodies were sticky and closely twined, and as I moved she gave a little mutter of protest and snuggled back into the fold of my arm. Her hair tickled my chest but I did not move again. Uncertainty, misery and guilt hung over me, until finally the rain came, the air cooled, and I could drift slowly down into my own release of sleep.
- 8 -
“Keep a diary,” said Sir Westcott.
“Why? I don’t need one, my memory’s always been good.” Better than yours, I was tempted to add — Sir Westcott moved through a cloud of mislaid books, forgotten appointments, and lost umbrellas.
“Never mind how good your memory is,” he replied. “Keep a diary — you’ll see why in a few months.”
That had been a few weeks before I was released from the hospital. I went along with his eccentric request, jotting down notes on events that I knew I’d be able to remember in detail months or years later.
Now I had the book out on my knee, drowsing through it as the plane flew steadily on through the night skies of northern India . We had left London the previous night. On the long journey east, losing hour after hour to the shifting time zones, we passed through Rome , Athens , Tehran , Bombay , and so to the final jump to Calcutta . I hoped the flight crew had taken the trip better than I had — blocked sinuses, eyes sore and gritty, and an iron filings taste in my mouth. The Persians next to me muttered to each other and puffed on a ghalian, passing the tube quietly from hand to hand. It didn’t smell much like tobacco, but at three in the morning the stewardesses weren’t worrying.
Don’t think my coordination is getting any better now, I had written. Seems to be at a plateau. And later that day, feeling guilty about the neglect of my business manager, Should call Mark, but it can wait a while longer.
The entries were innocent enough, and I could remember all of them. What I could not recall, what now seemed quite wrong to me, was their tone. It was nervous and diffident, reluctant to face Sir Westcott, oddly hesitant about approaching Tess. I was beginning to understand the surgeon’s flat assertion.
“It won’t happen the way you’re expecting. You seem to think that you’ll wake up one day and feel yourself merging thoughts with your brother. But you’re sitting there on the inside. There’s no way a person can get an objective view of the workings of his own brain. The only way you’ll see changes is by looking back at earlier behavior and comparing. Write things down. Otherwise you’ll have nothing to compare it with.”
It had been easy enough to do that when I was still in the hospital, with time on my hands. Recently there hadn’t been a spare minute. The new idea I’d had before going over to Tess’s house had been a winner.
I had to accept that the right brain hemisphere is pictorial and largely nonverbal — the medical texts had made that clear enough. That meant I was wasting my time trying to dig messages out of the right brain portions that came from Leo. Words were hard to get — Nymphs, Scouse, Valnora Warren, or any others. What I should be providing was picture inputs that might stimulate the right brain hemisphere and elicit a solid physical reaction from my body.
I was sure that Leo had been doing something in India . But where in India ? To answer that question, Tess and I made a trip to the British Museum and looked through the picture files. It was a long job. I stared at photographs of Delhi , Madras , Lahore , Bombay , Agra , and Calcutta ; and in that last city, when we came to a color picture of the Maidan, the big park-like rectangle at the city center, I felt a return of the vivid excitement that had hit me outside the bookstore.
Calcutta .
It was a city I had visited a couple of times on my concert tours, but never to play there. It had been a point of passage on the way back from Australia and New Zealand , little more than a hotel room near the airport. I could recall only one exchange with Leo about the place. I remarked on the poverty (which I had never been close enough to see) and he answered with a noncommittal shrug.
Now the plane was lowering flaps for landing at Dum-Dum Airport , and I still had no idea what I expected to find here. I only knew I had to look, to learn what Leo had been doing in those hidden months before our final meeting.
It was just after dawn when we landed, with a blood-red November sun steaming up over the Bay of Bengal . The monsoon was over, and this was supposed to be the cool season, but as we stepped off the plane the humidity curled around me like a blanket. The air seemed to bleed your strength away. The walk to the terminal and the wait for baggage became a major effort.
I went straight to the new Grand Hotel on Chowringhi Road , hardly noticing the flat, wet land and the drooping coconut palms. At the hotel I went to bed, but I was too nerved up and overtired to sleep. After an hour of tossing and turning I ran the deep bath full of rusty-colored water — a sign in the room warned me not to drink it — and stretched out to think of the day ahead.
I knew exactly one person in Calcutta : Chandra Roy; Chanter Chandra we called him, back in the old days when we had played together.
He had been a fiddle player, a child prodigy and still a fast-developing adult when he had suddenly abandoned his musical career, returned to India , and disappeared. Maybe that’s too strong a term — I still had an address for him at the University of Calcutta ; but he had certainly vanished from western life. I hadn’t seen him for more than two years.
Chandra. As I sat on the bed and dried myself I decided to head over and see him at once. But when I was half-dressed I lay back and closed my eyes for a moment, and when I woke the room was growing dim. It was suddenly seven o’clock at night.
I was very hungry, but I didn’t want to waste the rest of the evening. I took a native cab and we set off to hunt for Chandra’s supposed home address, passed on to me by an oboe player before I left London .
A combination of jet lag, medication, and low blood sugar made the ride through the darkening streets curiously unreal. What I saw was always distant or distorted, the mirror of an unpleasant real world. Since the hydrological project to increase the flow of the Hooghly River , many of Calcutta ’s worst abominations had been removed. Now at least there was adequate drinking water. But the bustis were still there, the ultimate slums that formed the home for over four million people. Life in them was still below subsistence level. The cab skirted one of the bad ones. The smell of decay, excrement, and underfed humanity was like a black canker on a rose-red evening. My driver, oblivious to the dull-eyed skeleton creatures that we passed, chattered on cheerfully in a mixture of Bengali and English, telling me how the city was improving now, how things had grown better all through the nineties, and how the new century had ushered in a golden era.
“I am telling you, we will be seeing the better times. Very good better times,” he said, in the curious Welsh-like Indian lilt. He swerved to avoid a legless man who was dragging himself slowly across the street. “I am seeing that you are a stranger here, and you maybe are finding this surprising. But it is so.”
Chandra, according to my friend the oboe player, lived in Alipore, a southern suburb of the main city. It took more than an hour to find his house, weaving back and forth along the flat streets. The driver leaned out of the window most of the time, singing out Bengali questions to the small groups of people who stood deep in unfathomable conversation on most street corners.
We found the house at last. It was certainly big enough to notice, a great pile of rambling Edwardiana that could have been transported to Henley or Thames Ditton without seeming at all out of place. A seven foot brick wall kept it safe from prying eyes.