“Aunt Josie, look,” Elle points to the freshly laid flowers on Mason’s grave. Each week they’re here, cleaning and removing any debris. Harrison has been known to come as well, but never tells Katelyn what he says. He tells her that’s between him and Mason.
“Very beautiful, Elle. Your daddy loves them, I’m sure.”
Peyton sits just beyond Mason’s grave, watching the entrance. I look at Katelyn who shrugs and decide to go see how she’s doing.
“What’s going on?”
“Nothing. Just waiting.”
“Did you visit with your dad?”
She shakes her head.
“How come?”
“Elle is too nosey.”
“I see.” I pull my legs to my chest to match her position. “Have you asked your mom to bring you by yourself?”
She shakes her head again.
“I think if you did, she would. Or, ask Harrison. You know he’d bring you.”
Peyton shrugs. “I don’t want my dad to get mad about me wanting to talk to my dad.”
If anyone on the outside of our group didn’t know the situation, they’d be confused. “I think both dads will understand. I know Harrison will. He loves you, Peyton. You know that.”
She sighs and kicks her legs out in front of her. “I miss him and Uncle Liam. When are they coming home?”
I pull her into my side and kiss the top of her head. “Soon,” I tell her, praying that I’m right.
After we finish up at the cemetery, we’re park bound. Peyton is riding with me and as soon as she sees Noah, she’s out of the car and racing toward him. Nick tells me that Aubrey will call me later to discuss some business and tells Noah that he’ll see him later.
The kids run off to the playground as Katelyn and I walk hand-in-hand to the bench. We can sit here for hours and watch them play.
“I have something to tell you.”
“What is it?” she asks, without taking her eyes off the kids.
I lean my head on her shoulder and wait for the tears to start. When they don’t, I am even surer this is the right decision for me, even if I didn’t make it. “Meredith is keeping the baby.”
Katelyn turns in a snap, causing me to hit my head on the wooden bench.
“Ouch, shit, that hurt.”
“Oh crap, Josie are you okay?”
“Yes, and no. My head hurts, but surprisingly I’m okay with Meredith’s decision.” I rub my head, wondering if I have a concussion.
Katelyn grabs my free hand and holds it. The stroke of her thumb against my hand is soothing, but not doing much for the headache that I’m getting.
“I’m so sorry, Josie. I know how much you guys wanted this baby. Do you need me to do anything?”
“Help me clean out the room?” I say, sheepishly. Cleaning is never anyone’s ‘fun’ job. “I think I’m going to give Meredith the stuff. I don’t want it, and it’s really for the baby, not me.”
“I think that’s very noble of you, Josie. You’re a strong woman.”
“I don’t know about that. I’m not even upset. I mean, I was when Aubrey called, but I don’t feel like I think I should.”
“Everyone reacts differently. Doesn’t make you any less of a person.”
“I guess. I still haven’t told Liam. I’m thinking of going out there this weekend since Noah’s game has been moved. Maybe surprise him before breaking his heart.”
“Hearing it from you in person will be better, plus your other news.”
I look at her strangely. “What other news?”
“Oh come on, Josie. If I’m noticing, he has to be noticing.”
I slide away from her and give her my best “what the hell” look.
“You’re pregnant.”
“Am not.”
“Are too. I’ve been there before.”
“So have I, in case you’ve forgotten. I’m not pregnant.”
“Your boobs are bigger and so is your ass.”
My mouth drops open, but she just shrugs. “How dare you!”
“Eh, it’s the truth, and you’d tell me the same thing.”
I turn back to watching the kids and count off the days since my last period. And when that doesn’t work, I try to remember the last time I bought tampons at the store. Still coming up blank.
“Did you figure it out yet?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I tell her, crossing my arms in defiance.
She leans into me, resting her chin on my shoulder. “Josie, I think you’re pregnant. I’ll watch Noah while you scoot over to the hospital for a test.”
“What if I’m not?”
She laughs and sits up straight. “Then Xander has a lot of work to do.”
Katelyn is ducking before my hand even starts flying. I smack her good before I get up and walk away. I know she’s wrong, and I refuse to get my hopes up, but now she has me wondering.
I’ve been here before, many times. There’s a small bandage on my arm from where my blood has been drawn. I’ve peed in a cup and I’ve stripped down and put on a hospital gown. I’ve calculated my last period to the best of my ability, realizing as I was giving my information to the nurse that I am, indeed, late. Now, I wait. Everything in this room is a focal point for me. The ugly border that someone thought would be appealing. The years old magazines that never get replaced even hold my attention. If my ass wasn’t hanging out of the back of my gown, I’d rummage through the cabinets just to see what they keep in there. But I’m not moving.
I refuse to get my hopes up. I shouldn’t even be here, but Katelyn’s right, I have gained weight. Weight loss I could attribute to stress, but not gain.
The soft knock on the door tells me my doctor is about to come in. She smiles at me, which is no indication that I’m pregnant.
“How are you feeling, Josie?”
“Fine, nothing out of the ordinary.” She notes something in my chart and asks me to lie back. I cringe when I hear the snapping of her latex gloves. I put my feet in the stir-ups and close my eyes. This is the most uncomfortable feeling ever.
My doctor makes it quick and painless, telling me I can sit up. Her back is to me, as she writes in my chart again. She turns and sits in her stool, holding my life in her hands.
“You’ve been trying for a long time to get pregnant, Josie.”
I knew not to get my hopes up. I nod in confirmation. No words are needed.
“With that said, let me be the first to say congratulations!”
My mouth drops open and I know for sure I didn’t hear her correctly. “What’d you say?”
“Congratulations, Josie, you’re pregnant.”
“I…wh… are you sure?”
“All your lab work, your urine tests and the check I’ve just completed confirms it. You have a baby growing inside of you.”
I cover my mouth in shock and tell her thank you.
“Don’t thank me, thank your husband.”
“Oh, I plan to.”
She laughs because she knows our history and has been trying to help us conceive for a while.
“When am I due?”
“Well, that’s the thing, Josie. According to your records, you indicated that you’re last cycle was last month, but you’re measuring at about eighteen weeks.”
I don’t tell her that I’m not very accurate on that date. It’s like a test question you didn’t study for and it catches you off-guard. I clearly failed this test.
Her words sound muffled, as if I’m underwater. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”
“You’re eighteen weeks. Baby Westbury is due in November.”
I put my hand up, and she pauses. “If I’m eighteen weeks, that means I’ve missed multiple periods and you know I’ve been meticulous about keeping track. How can I be this far along?”
She sets her folder down and clasps her hands. “Your body has been going through a lot of stress. Between your attempts at conceiving and the adoption process, your body has simply been functioning. It’s not uncommon for women in this case to miss two periods and not give it a second thought. Once you and Liam stopped trying, your body relaxed, but you didn’t. And in rare cases, the human body doesn’t recognize that there’s a life growing inside of it. I’m going to schedule an ultrasound for later this afternoon.”