I went to see her and told her that I must think at once of earning my living. I had still some five hundred dollars left, but I wanted to be before-hand with need; besides, it gave me a good excuse for not visiting her even weekly. «I must work!» I kept repeating, though I was ashamed of the lie. «Don't whip me, dear!» she pleaded. «My impotence to help you is painful enough; give me time to think. I know Mayhew is quite well off: give me a day or two, but come to me when you can. You see, I've no pride where you are concerned: I just beg like a dog for kind treatment for my love's sake. I wouldn't have believed that I could be so transformed. I was always so proud: my husband calls me 'proud and cold'-me cold! It's true I shiver when I hear your voice, but it's the shivering of fever. When you came in just now unexpectedly and kissed me waves of heat swept over me: my womb moved inside me. I never felt that till I had loved you and now, of course, my sex burns-I wish I were cold: a cold woman could rule the world. «But no! I wouldn't change. Just as I never wished to be a man, never. Though other girls used to say they would like to change their sex, I, never! And since I've been married, less than ever. What's a man? His love is over before ours begins.»
«Really?» I broke in grinning. «Not you, my beloved!» she cried. «Oh, not you; but then you are more than a man! Come, don't let us waste time in talk. Now I have you, take me to our Heaven. I'm ready, 'ripe-ready' is your word: I go to our bed as to an altar. If I'm only to have you even less than once a week, don't come again for ten days: I shall be well again then and you can surely come to me a few days running. I want to reach the heights and hug the illusion, cramming one hot week with bliss and then death for a fortnight. What rags we women are! Come, dear, I will be your sheath and you shall be the sword and drive right into me. «But I'll help you,» she cried suddenly. «Was it that girl told you, you owed money for food?» I nodded and she glowed. «Oh, I'll help, never fear! I never liked that girclass="underline" she's brazen and conceited and-oh! Why did you walk with her?»
«She wanted to see the university,» I said, «and I could not well refuse her.» «Oh, pay her,» she cried, «but don't walk with her; she's a common thing. Fancy her mentioning money to you, my dear!»
That same evening I got a note from Lorna, saying her husband wanted to see me. I met the little man in the sitting room and he proposed that I should come to his rooms every evening after supper and sit in a chair near the door reading, but with a Colt's revolver handy so that no one could rob him and get away with the plunder.
«I'd feel safer,» he ended up, «and my wife tells me you're a sure shot and used to a wild life. What do you say? I'd give you sixty dollars a month and more than half the time you'd be free before midnight.» «It's very kind of you,» I exclaimed with hot cheeks,
«and very kind of Mrs. Mayhew, too: I'll do it and I beg you to believe that no one will bother you and get away with a whole skin,» and so it was settled. Aren't women wonderful! In half a day she had solved my difficulty and I found the hours spent in Mayhew's gambling rooms were more valuable than I had dreamed. The average man reveals himself in gaming more than in love or drink, and I was astonished to discover that many of the so-called best citizens had a flutter with Mayhew from time to time. I don't believe that they had a fair deal; he won too constantly for that; but it was none of my business so long as the clients accepted the results; and he often showed kindness by giving back a few dollars after he had skinned a man of all he possessed. Naturally, the fact that I was working with her husband threw me more into Mrs. Mayhew's society: twice or so a week I had to spend the afternoon with her, and the constraint irked me. Kate, too, objected to my visits: she had seen me go into Mrs.
Mayhew's and I think divined the rest, for at first she was cold to me and drew away even from my kisses. «You've chilled me,» she cried. «I don't think I shall ever love you again entirely.» But when I got into her… really excited her, she suddenly kissed me fervently, and her glorious eyes had heavy tears in them. «Why do you cry, dear?» I asked. «Because I cannot make you mine as I am all yours!» she cried. «Oh!» she went on, clutching me to her, «I think the pleasure is increased by the dreadful fear and the hate-oh, love me and me only, love mine!» Of course I promised fidelity, but I was surprised to feel that my desire for Kate, too, was beginning to cool. The arrangement with the Mayhews came to an unexpected and untimely end.
Mayhew now and then had a tussle with another gambler, and after I had been with him about three months, a gambler from Denver had a great contest with him and afterwards proposed that they should join forces and Mayhew should come to Denver. «More money to be made there in a week,» he declared, «than in Lawrence in a month.» Finally he persuaded Mayhew, who was wise enough to say nothing to his wife till the whole arrangement was fixed. She raved but could do nothing save give in, and so we had to part. Mayhew gave me one hundred dollars as a bonus, and Lorna one unforgettable, astonishing afternoon which I must now try to describe. I did not go near the Mayhew's the day after this gift, leaving Lorna to suppose that I looked upon everything as ended. But the day after that I got a word from her, an imperious, «Come at once; I must see you!» Of course I went, though reluctantly. As soon as I entered the room she rose from the sofa and came to me. «If I get you work in Denver, will you come out?» «How could I?» I asked in absolute astonishment. «You know I'm bound here to the university and then I want to go into a law office as well. Besides, I could not leave Smith: I've never known such a teacher; I don't believe his equal can be found anywhere.»
She nodded her head. «I see,» she sighed. «I suppose it's impossible; but I must see you,» she cried. «If I haven't the hope-what do I say-the certainty of seeing you again, I shan't go. I'd rather kill myself! I'll be a servant and stay with you, my darling, and take care of you! I don't care what I do so long as we are together. I'm nearly crazed with fear that I shall lose you.»
«It's all a question of money,» I said quietly, for the idea of her staying behind scared me stiff. «If I can earn money, I'd love to go to Denver in my holidays. It must be gorgeous there in summer, six thousand odd feet above sea-level. I'd delight in it.» «If I send you the money, you'll come?» I made a face. «I can't take money from-a love» (I said 'love' instead of 'woman': it was not ugly), I went on, «but Smith says he can get me work and I have still a little.
I'll come in the holidays.» «Holy days they'll be to me!» she said solemnly, and then with quick change of mood, «I'll make a beautiful room for our love in Denver; but you must come for Christmas, I could not wait till midsummer. Oh, how I shall ache for you-ache!» «Come upstairs,» I coaxed and she came, and we went to the bed. I found her mad with desire, but after I had brought her in an hour to hysteria and she lay in my arms crying, she suddenly said,
«He promised to come home early this afternoon, and I said I'd have a surprise for him. When he finds us together like this, it'll be a surprise, won't it?» «But you're mad!» I cried, getting out of bed in a flash. «I shall never be able to visit you in Denver if we have a row here!» «That's true,» she said as if in a dream,
«that's true. It's a pity: I'd love to have seen his foolish face stretched to wonder; but you're right. Hurry!» she cried, and was out of the room in a twinkling. When she returned, I was dressed.
«Go downstairs and wait for me,» she commanded, «on our sofa. If he knocks, open the door to him. That'll be a surprise, though not so great a one as I had planned,» she added laughing shrilly. «Are you going without kissing me?» she cried when I was at the door.
«Well, go, it's all right, go, for if I felt your lips again, I might keep you.» I went downstairs and in a few moments she followed me. «I can't bear you to go!» she cried. «How partings hurt!» she whispered. «Why should we part again, love mine?» and she looked at me with rapt eyes. «This life holds nothing worth having but love.