At this juncture the door bell rang. Jeeves floated out to answer it.
“Yes, sir. Mr. Wooster has just returned,” I heard him say. And Bicky came trickling in, looking pretty sorry for himself.
“Halloa, Bicky!” I said. “Jeeves told me you had been trying to get me. Jeeves, bring another glass, and let the revels commence. What's the trouble, Bicky?”
“I'm in a hole, Bertie. I want your advice.”
“Say on, old lad!”
“My uncle's turning up to-morrow, Bertie.”
“So Jeeves told me.”
“The Duke of Chiswick, you know.”
“So Jeeves told me.”
Bicky seemed a bit surprised.
“Jeeves seems to know everything.”
“Rather rummily, that's exactly what I was thinking
just now myself.”
“Well, I wish,” said Bicky gloomily, “that he knew a way to get me out of the hole I'm in.”
Jeeves shimmered in with the glass, and stuck it competently on the table.
“Mr. Bickersteth is in a bit of a hole, Jeeves,” I said, “and wants you to rally round.”
“Very good, sir.”
Bicky looked a bit doubtful.
“Well, of course, you know, Bertie, this thing is by way of being a bit private and all that.”
“I shouldn't worry about that, old top. I bet Jeeves knows all about it already. Don't you, Jeeves?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Eh!” said Bicky, rattled.
“I am open to correction, sir, but is not your dilemma due to the fact that you are at a loss to explain to his grace why you are in New York instead of in Colorado?”
Bicky rocked like a jelly in a high wind.
“How the deuce do you know anything about it?”
“I chanced to meet his grace's butler before we left England. He informed me that he happened to overhear his grace speaking to you on the matter, sir, as he passed the library door.”
Bicky gave a hollow sort of laugh.
“Well, as everybody seems to know all about it, there's no need to try to keep it dark. The old boy turfed me out, Bertie, because he said I was a brainless nincompoop. The idea was that he would give me a remittance on condition that I dashed out to some blighted locality of the name of Colorado and learned farming or ranching, or whatever they call it, at some bally ranch or farm or whatever it's called. I didn't fancy the idea a bit. I should have had to ride horses and pursue cows, and so forth. I hate horses. They bite at you. I was all against the scheme. At the same time, don't you know, I had to have that remittance.”
“I get you absolutely, dear boy.”
“Well, when I got to New York it looked a decent sort of place to me, so I thought it would be a pretty sound notion to stop here. So I cabled to my uncle telling him that I had dropped into a good business wheeze in the city and wanted to chuck the ranch idea. He wrote back that it was all right, and here I've been ever since. He thinks I'm doing well at something or other over here. I never dreamed, don't you know, that he would ever come out here. What on earth am I to do?”
“Jeeves,” I said, “what on earth is Mr. Bickersteth to do?”
“You see,” said Bicky, “I had a wireless from him to say that he was coming to stay with me—to save hotel bills, I suppose. I've always given him the impression that I was living in pretty good style. I can't have him to stay at my boarding-house.”
“Thought of anything, Jeeves?” I said.
“To what extent, sir, if the question is not a delicate one, are you prepared to assist Mr. Bickersteth?”
“I'll do anything I can for you, of course, Bicky, old man.”
“Then, if I might make the suggestion, sir, you might lend Mr. Bickersteth——”
“No, by Jove!” said Bicky firmly. “I never have touched you, Bertie, and I'm not going to start now. I may be a chump, but it's my boast that I don't owe a penny to a single soul—not counting tradesmen, of course.”
“I was about to suggest, sir, that you might lend Mr. Bickersteth this flat. Mr. Bickersteth could give his grace the impression that he was the owner of it. With your permission I could convey the notion that I was in Mr. Bickersteth's employment, and not in yours. You would be residing here temporarily as Mr. Bickersteth's guest. His grace would occupy the second spare bedroom. I fancy that you would find this answer satisfactorily, sir.”
Bicky had stopped rocking himself and was staring at Jeeves in an awed sort of way.
“I would advocate the dispatching of a wireless message to his grace on board the vessel, notifying him of the change of address. Mr. Bickersteth could meet his grace at the dock and proceed directly here. Will that meet the situation, sir?”
“Absolutely.”
“Thank you, sir.”
Bicky followed him with his eye till the door closed.
“How does he do it, Bertie?” he said. “I'll tell you what I think it is. I believe it's something to do with the shape of his head. Have you ever noticed his head, Bertie, old man? It sort of sticks out at the back!”
* * * * *
I hopped out of bed early next morning, so as to be among those present when the old boy should arrive. I knew from experience that these ocean liners fetch up at the dock at a deucedly ungodly hour. It wasn't much after nine by the time I'd dressed and had my morning tea and was leaning out of the window, watching the street for Bicky and his uncle. It was one of those jolly, peaceful mornings that make a chappie wish he'd got a soul or something, and I was just brooding on life in general when I became aware of the dickens of a spate in progress down below. A taxi had driven up, and an old boy in a top hat had got out and was kicking up a frightful row about the fare. As far as I could make out, he was trying to get the cab chappie to switch from New York to London prices, and the cab chappie had apparently never heard of London before, and didn't seem to think a lot of it now. The old boy said that in London the trip would have set him back eightpence; and the cabby said he should worry. I called to Jeeves.
“The duke has arrived, Jeeves.”
“Yes, sir?”
“That'll be him at the door now.”
Jeeves made a long arm and opened the front door, and the old boy crawled in, looking licked to a splinter.
“How do you do, sir?” I said, bustling up and being the ray of sunshine. “Your nephew went down to the dock to meet you, but you must have missed him. My name's Wooster, don't you know. Great pal of Bicky's, and all that sort of thing. I'm staying with him, you know. Would you like a cup of tea? Jeeves, bring a cup of tea.”
Old Chiswick had sunk into an arm-chair and was looking about the room.
“Does this luxurious flat belong to my nephew Francis?”
“Absolutely.”
“It must be terribly expensive.”
“Pretty well, of course. Everything costs a lot over here, you know.”
He moaned. Jeeves filtered in with the tea. Old Chiswick took a stab at it to restore his tissues, and nodded.
“A terrible country, Mr. Wooster! A terrible country! Nearly eight shillings for a short cab-drive! Iniquitous!” He took another look round the room. It seemed to fascinate him. “Have you any idea how much my nephew pays for this flat, Mr. Wooster?”
“About two hundred dollars a month, I believe.”
“What! Forty pounds a month!”
I began to see that, unless I made the thing a bit more plausible, the scheme might turn out a frost. I could guess what the old boy was thinking. He was trying to square all this prosperity with what he knew of poor old Bicky. And one had to admit that it took a lot of squaring, for dear old Bicky, though a stout fellow and absolutely unrivalled as an imitator of bull-terriers and cats, was in many ways one of the most pronounced fatheads that ever pulled on a suit of gent's underwear.