Below, Louise had bowed her head and was murmuring soft prayers to herself. It suddenly broke me. And I was crying-crying at my own perfidy and ugliness, yet knowing that both were me. The awareness and admiration for her purity, but also always the hunger, the iron bells in my brain, the rising realization of power, perversion, ecstasy. The deers in me, and the lions. This was my life! And this was the Louise I was going to love. And use.
Chapter Five
I walked home that night with strongly mixed emotions. What is right? What is wrong? I had to know before these struggles tore me to pieces. I did not want to think about anything, but I knew that watching Louise had profoundly affected me. I could not shake it and wanted to be alone to work it out.
So when I started down the hall and Gunilla, who was alone in the living room, beckoned me to join her, I just shook my head and kept walking. I went to my room, selected the best suit I had, took it to the bathroom and washed and dressed for dinner.
When I returned to my room Gunilla was waiting for me. She was sitting in my arm chair, leaning back with her legs crossed so that her soft full skirt was pulled above her knees. I started at seeing her, then just stared at the revelation of beautiful flesh. It was tanned golden, like her face, and it was so exciting that my breath caught and my mouth gaped. I couldn’t move. The knee was so well formed, like Mother’s, and the fine long legs. I began to shiver all over. I looked above the knees to the soft, forbidden flesh-the flesh I had felt but never seen, and I started forward with the impossible idea of trying to see more.
As though anticipating my desire, Gunilla uncrossed her legs, and opened them slightly towards me-. Inside my head was ringing. It, inflamed me. I was standing looking wildly at her as she calmly appraised me with her clear eyes and gradually separated her thighs more and more till I thought I could just almost see,.. And then suddenly she closed them, pulling her skirt down to cover her legs with the same motion. This was accompanied by the same giggle that had tormented me last night.
“You want to see, don’t you, brother?” she mocked. “Dinner is almost ready, but afterwards Mother and Father are going to Stockholm to the opera and won’t be back till tomorrow. I’ll come and see you at eleven, and we can ride further into The Arabian Nights.” She laughed again, and started out.
But then I remembered my resolution.
“Uh-Nilla, that is-.” She stopped and waited, still grinning.
“Well-I don’t think we-uh-well that we-uh-that we should,” I finally gasped out.
“You silly little idiot!” Her laughter rang out strong. “Now don’t be afraid, Lars dear. Like I told you, everything will be beautiful. Now not a word more out of you, hear! Tonight at eleven!” And though I tried to object, the words didn’t come and she was gone.
Dinner was uneventful. I excused myself early saying I wanted to lie down. After half an hour there was a knock and Mother came in.
“When I was in town today, dear, I got some clothes for you. They’re in my room, would you like to see them?”
“Oh-gee-yes, Mother, I sure would,” I cried.
I followed her through the connecting door between our rooms and entered her bedroom for the first time; it was the silken cave I had been so hungrily peeking into last night. She took me to the huge bed and showed me three new suits which lay on the satin spread. I was very excited. My first real clothes. The silk. The whiteness. The sudden intimacy of her bedroom.
I tried on each coat and paraded in front of Mother.
“Why, Lars, they make you so handsome!” She exclaimed. “They do seem to fit well. Here, come and see for yourself!”
She led me to the dressing table.
I looked at myself in the mirror, admiring the fine gray flannel. Then turned and found that Mother was sitting on the bed watching me.
“Do you like them, Lars?” she asked looking closely at me. Her eyes had a strange look in them which I could not define.
“Mother, these clothes are the most wonderful thing anyone has ever given me,” I said straightforwardly. “I just…”
“Come here, dear, and sit with me,” she said softly indicating the place beside her on the edge of the bed. Mother was wearing her hair in a long roll on the back of her neck tonight, and the bed lamp behind it seemed to send needles of fire through it. She wore a brown cardigan buttoned in the back, and a full brown skirt. Giddy from the first new clothes I had ever had, I went over and sat down.
She looked at me a while without saying anything. Then suddenly she smiled, her eyes becoming, at the same time, misty in a way that released things in me. It is so difficult to explain how she just looked at me, and it released things. My stomach tightened and I found it hard to breathe. The mistiness grew in her eyes when she noticed, causing more shyness and confusion in me. And on and on…
“Tell me, Lars,” she asked slowly, “why you stare at me so much? Is it because you never saw a woman before?”
I was tongue-tied and lost, but I tried.
“Yes, of course, Mother. Y-you-you are so strange and- well-so beautiful! I don’t think there can be anything so… beautiful-the first thing I ever saw… and nothing ever again…” I had been cold white in my face, and now as I stumbled and dared to be frank, the color rushed in hot.
Mother drew my head toward her and kissed my forehead. I trembled from head to foot. I tried hard, but could not stop shaking. She stroked my head softly, but my trembling only increased. And beside me, I could feel a slight agitation beginning in her, which excited me more.
“I have to dress now, dear, to go to the opera with your father,” she said softly. “If you would feel better staying a while you can sit here while I get ready and then go out.” She seemed to understand me so well-to feel and know that I felt like a small child being left in the dark.
“Yes, thank you, Mother,” I said. “I would like to stay a few minutes. I guess I’m pretty strange now and then. I…”
“Not strange at all, Lars,” she told me. “You just need to know that you are loved, and with me, you soon will.” She got up, went to her chest of drawers, took out a black brassiere, black silk panties with a lace fringe, and a black half slip, marvelous silken things that caused trumpets in me. Their delicacy and embarrassing intimacy! She carried them to a seat behind the screen. Coming out again, she walked over to the large wardrobe, and took out a beautiful deep violet dress which she carried to her dressing table beside the screen, adjusting casually, as she passed, the mirror. She came over to me.
“Lars, darling, would you unbutton my cardigan? It’s awfully difficult for me to reach!” She turned around. Despite myself I looked at the fine legs, the grace and smoothness in her body. Then I took in what she had asked. I was beginning to tremble again as I stood up.
She raised her head slightly, and waited for me to undo the buttons. I reached to the top one, but I could not loose it because my hands were shaking so. As though divining my confusion, Mother said:
“Dear, please undo the buttons for me. I have a blouse on under it, you know!”
“Yes, Mother…” I somehow got out, undoing quickly the first button, and then more slowly the next, and the next… The white skin of her neck, and then of her back was exposed. As I opened a third button and more skin was bared, I was filled with a mounting tension and doubt. It was so white, and smooth and inviting and naked. I opened a fourth button, and still only the white skin, beginning to be dusted with almost invisible blond hairs. So much of it now. I wanted to put my face against it, and I had to struggle with myself. My hands shook and I was trembling again as I opened the fifth button, but now the shaking was also from anticipation. The cardigan was open to a point well below her shoulders, and beginning to slide off them at the sides as she moved her arms slightly, but there was still no blouse nor anything… only the flesh. The splendid soft, silken, secret, incredibly naked flesh. The tension in me and between us kept rising. I was afraid to open another button, there was so much of her body nude. And yet I was so avid for more that it paralyzed me. I could only stare.