‘Maybe you’d like to do Judith and Holofernes,’ I said to Brian.
‘I might just have a go at that,’ he said. ‘You’ll be Judith and I’ll be Holofernes.’
‘Whatever turns you on,’ I said. So we did Judith and Holofernes. I posed for Judith and the maidservant and I photographed Brian in the Holofernes pose and costume. He painted two pictures. In the first one Holofernes is in white tie and wearing all his medals. He’s leaning back against Judith with his left hand between her legs while she garrots him with a white silk scarf. She’s wearing diamonds and she’s more out of than in a strapless white satin sheath. Abra, the maidservant, is naked except for white stockings as she kneels in front of Holofernes embracing his legs and looking up at his last moments.
The second painting is a closer view with Judith and Abra kissing as the maidservant dangles the head by its hair. Both paintings were done in the manner of Artemisia Gentileschi, and Judith had arms like a stevedore. A very striking pair of pictures, both of them over two feet high. It took us three months for the two of them and I stopped counting the hours I posed, the drinks we drank, the takeaways we ate, and the pounds I gained.
Although they were done in a style not his own, there was still something strong and original in those paintings. I’d seen a lot of his work and these were his best. ‘Are you going to exhibit them?’ I said.
‘Where?’
‘I don’t know anything about the art world. The Royal Academy Summer Exhibition?’
‘Wankers,’ he said. ‘Somebody’s going to pay real money for these.’
‘Who?’
‘I’ve got one or two connections,’ he said. I carried on with my classes and waited to see what would happen. A couple of days later there was a Rolls parked in the drive, a chauffeur having a smoke, and a large lady all in pink in the studio. ‘Lady Constance Ullage,’ said Brian, ‘this is my good friend and model, Bertha Strunk.’
‘How do you do,’ I said.
‘Charmed,’ said Lady Constance. She looked me up and down and from several angles, took hold of my chin, turned my face this way and that, and said, ‘I am keen to see what he’s done with you.’ She spoke very posh.
‘Perhaps a little something to refresh the critical faculties?’ said Brian.
‘Gin, please,’ said Lady Constance. I poured for her and she knocked back a couple of quick ones while Brian went to the rack, took out Judith Slaying Holofernes, and put it up on the easel. ‘Here she is,’ he said. ‘Twice.’
Lady Constance looked from the painting to me and back again. ‘Piquant,’ she said.
‘And here’s the companion piece,’ said Brian, ‘Judith and Her Maidservant with the Head of Holofernes’
‘Touching,’ said Lady Constance. She patted me on the bottom and said, ‘Keep up the good work.’ To Brian she said, ‘I’ll phone you,’ and swept out like a pink wedding cake on wheels.
‘She looks like real money,’ I said.
‘She can just about afford the Rolls,’ said Brian, ‘but she knows seriously rich people.’
There was a phone call the next day from Lady Constance, and the day after that an E-Type pulled up in the drive and a man in a white suit, black shirt, no tie and a panama hat stepped out. When he spoke it was with a South African accent. ‘Judith, I presume?’ he said, and kissed my hand.
‘That’s me,’ I said.
‘I am Theodor von Augenblick. Is Holofernes at home?’
‘This way, please,’ I said, and led him to the studio. Brian had evidently been briefed by Lady Constance because he took a bottle of apricot schnapps from the fridge and I poured it into little glasses.
‘Prosit!’ said von Augenblick.
‘Prosit!’ said Brian.
‘Prosit!’ said I. Clink, and Brian went to the rack.
Von Augenblick settled himself in the viewing chair while I poured again and Judith Slaying Holofernes went up on the easel.
‘Prima!’ said von Augenblick. ‘With this kind of thing you don’t lose money.’
Up went Judith and Her Maidservant with the Head of Holofernes.
‘Bravo!’ said von Augenblick. ‘These will move, that I promise you.’ To me he said, ‘I can see that you have been a real inspiration. I hope this man appreciates you.’
‘I do,’ said Brian.
We all had another drink, then von Augenblick said to Brian, ‘How long does it take you to do paintings like these?’
‘Three months for these two,’ said Brian.
‘I am well acquainted in Dubai,’ said von Augenblick, ‘and I believe something could be done there with these and others from your brush. I have in mind variations on this theme: Judith and the maidservant and Holofernes before the party was over, and Judith and the maidservant in more intimate situations after. What do you think?’ He said this while undressing me with his eyes.
Brian looked from von Augenblick to me and said, ‘“When Duty whispers low, Thou must, the youth replies, I can.”’
‘This is a youth who will not go hungry,’ said von Augenblick to me. ‘Now, if I may abduct these two beauties from the seraglio?’
‘They’ll be delighted to go with you,’ said Brian. He wrapped them up in brown paper and shook hands with von Augenblick who kissed my hand. Then von Augenblick and the two beauties got into the E-Type and roared away.
‘Oughtn’t you to have got a receipt or something?’ I said to Brian.
‘You don’t do that with people like him,’ said Brian. ‘Either there’s trust or you back away altogether.’
‘And you do trust him? He seemed awfully smooth to me.’
‘Oh, he’s definitely a smoothie but I do trust him, and now let’s get to work on dirty pictures.’
So the fridge was restocked and once more the takeaway deliveries started beating a path to our door. I stretched canvases while Brian sketched various compositions and we got into the spirit of the thing pretty quickly. Sometimes, when we tried different poses, one thing led to another and it was a while before work resumed. I have to say it was a fun time, and the thought of a result in Dubai kept us feeling good.
We heard nothing from von Augenblick for three weeks, at the end of which time there arrived a cheque for £266,667 to Brian. The paintings had sold for £500,000. Von Augenblick’s 33.33 per cent commission left a balance of £333,333 and Lady Constance’s 20 per cent commission came off that. ‘Half of this goes to you,’ said Brian.
I said, ‘I don’t want any money from this. You’ve got two wives and three children to think of.’
‘They’re already getting regular support,’ Brian said, ‘and there’s more money where this came from. They’ll get a big share of the next lot. Don’t let’s argue about it, we’ve got work to do.’
We carried on with the second Judith and Holofernes painting which was straight pornography, you couldn’t call it anything else. That night I dreamt that I’d ordered pizza, and when I heard a knock on the door I opened it and there was Artemisia Gentileschi. She didn’t say anything, just handed me the pizza. When I tried to pay her she shook her head, got back on her motor scooter and roared away. I woke up and there was Brian beside me, snoring and smelling like a distillery. I put my hand up to my face and it didn’t feel like my face. I stayed awake for a long time, trying to remember how Artemisia had looked when she handed me the pizza. The box had felt warm so I knew there was a pizza inside but I thought there might be a message as well and I wanted to get back to the dream but I couldn’t. Maybe, I thought, what was in the box wasn’t a pizza.