“‘Oh, sire!’ I cried, putting both hands on my breast. ‘What are you saying!’
“‘Take them off,’ he said, gulping.
“‘But then you will ravish me, your Majesty!’ I cried. “‘Please don’t keep me waiting,’ he said, gulping some more.
“‘If you ravish me, sire, I will become pregnant and our mutual friend will know something has happened between us. He will be so angry he will send warships to bombard your cities.’
“‘You must tell him it was he who got you pregnant. Come along now, I cannot wait!’
“‘He’ll know it wasn’t he, your Majesty, because he and I always take precautions.’
“‘Then take precautions now!’ he snapped. ‘And please do not argue with me, madame!’”
“You handled it beautifully,” I said to Yasmin. “So you put the thing on him.”
“No problem,” she said. “It was easy. With Woresley I had had the most awful fight, but this time it was as easy as putting a tea-cosy on a teapot.”
“Then what?”
“They’re pretty odd, these royals,” Yasmin said. “They know a few tricks we ordinary mortals have never heard of.”
“Such as what?”
“Well,” she said, “for one thing he doesn’t move. I suppose the theory is that kings don’t do any manual labour.”
“So he made you do all the work?”
“I wasn’t allowed to move either.”
“Now don’t be silly, Yasmin. You can’t have static copulation.”
“Kings can,” she said. “Wait till you hear this. You won’t believe it. You simply won’t believe this sort of thing could happen.”
“What sort of thing?” I said.
“I told you I had chosen a chaise longue covered in purple velvet,” Yasmin said.
“Yes.”
“Well, it turned out I’d picked exactly the right one. This damn sofa was some sort of specially constructed royal romping ground. It was the most fantastic experience I’ve ever had. It had something underneath it—God knows what, but it was some sort of an engine, and when the King pulled a lever the whole sofa began to joggle up and down.”
“You’re having me on.”
“I am not having you on!” she cried. “I couldn’t make that up even if I wanted to, and you jolly well know it.”
“You really mean there was an engine under the sofa? Did you see it?”
“Of course not. But I heard it all right. It made the most godawful grinding noise.”
“You mean a petrol engine?”
“No, it wasn’t a petrol engine.”
“What was it then?”
“Clockwork,” she said.
“Clockwork! It’s not possible! How did you know it was clockwork?”
“Because when it started to run down, he had to roll off and wind the thing up again with a handle.”
“I don’t believe a word of this,” I said. “What sort of a handle?”
“A big handle,” she said, “like the starting handle of a motor car, and when he was winding it up it went clickety-click. That’s how I knew it was clockwork. You always get that clicking noise when you wind up clockwork.”
“Jesus,” I said. “I still don’t believe it.”
“You don’t know much about kings,” Yasmin said. “Kings are different. They get very bored, therefore they are always trying to think up ways of amusing themselves. Look at that mad King of Bavaria who had a hole drilled in the middle of the seat of each chair around his diningroom table. And halfway through dinner, when all the guests were sitting there in their wonderful, expensive clothes, he would turn on a secret tap and jets of water would squirt up through the holes. Very powerful jets of cold water right up their backsides. Kings are crazy.”
“Go on with the clockwork sofa,” I said. “Was it amazing and terrific?”
Yasmin sipped her champagne and didn’t answer me at once.
“Did it have the maker’s name on it?” I said. “Where can I get one?”
“I wouldn’t get one,” she said.
“Why not?”
“It’s not worth it. It’s only a toy. It’s a toy for silly kings. It has a kind of shock value but that’s all. When it first started up I got the shock of my life. ‘Hey!’ I shouted. ‘What the hell’s going on?’
“‘Silence!’ the King said. ‘Talking is forbidden!’
“There was a loud whirring noise coming from underneath the damn sofa and the thing was vibrating most terribly. And at the same time it was jogging up and down. Honestly, Oswald, it was like riding a horse on the deck of a boat in a rough sea. Oh God, I thought, I’m going to be seasick. But I wasn’t and after he’d wound it up a second time I began to get the hang of it. You see, it was rather like riding a horse. You had to go along with it. You had to get the rhythm.”
“So you began to enjoy it?”
“I wouldn’t say that. But it does have its advantages. For one thing, you never get tired. It would be great for old people.”
“Alfonso’s only thirty—three.”
“Alfonso’s crazy,” Yasmin said. “Once when he was winding up the motor, he said, ‘I usually have a servant doing this.’ Christ, I thought, the silly sod really is crazy.”
“How did you get away?”
“It wasn’t easy,” Yasmin said. “You see, with him not having to do any work except winding the thing up now and again, he never got puffed. After about an hour, I’d had enough. ‘Switch off,’ I said. ‘I’ve had enough.’
“‘We go on till I give the order,’ he said.
“‘Don’t be like that,’ I said. ‘Come on, pack it in.’
“‘Nobody gives orders here except me,’ he said.
“Oh well, I thought. I suppose it’ll have to be the hatpin.”
“Did you use it? Did you actually stick him?” I asked.
“You’re damn right I did,” she said. “It went in about two inches!”
“What happened?”
“He nearly hit the ceiling. He gave a piercing yell and bounced off onto the floor. ‘You stuck me!’ he shrieked, clutching his backside. I was up in a flash and starting to put my clothes on and he was jumping up and down stark naked and shrieking, ‘You stuck me! You stuck me! How dare you do that to me!’”
“Terrific,” I said to Yasmin. “Marvellous. Wonderful. I wish I’d seen it. Did he bleed?”
“I don’t know and I don’t care, but I was really fed up with him by then and I got a bit ratty and I said, ‘Listen to me, you, and listen carefully. Our mutual friend would have you by the balls if he ever heard about this. You raped me—you do realize that, don’t you?’ That shut him up. ‘What on earth came over you?’ I said. I was getting dressed as fast as I could and stalling for time. ‘Whatever made you do a thing like that to me?’ I shouted. I had to shout because the damn sofa was still rattling away behind me.
“‘I don’t know,’ he said. Suddenly he had become all meek and mild. When I was ready to go, I went up to him and kissed him on the cheek and said, ‘Let’s just forget it ever happened, shall we?’ At the same time, I quickly removed the sticky rubbery thing from his royal knob and marched grandly out of the room.”
“Did anyone try to stop you?” I asked.
“Not a soul.”
“Full marks,” I said. “You did a great job. You better give me that notepaper.” She gave me the sheet of palace notepaper with the signature on it and I filed it carefully away. “Now go pack your bags,” I said. “We’re leaving town on the next train.”
15
WITHIN HALF AN HOUR we had packed our bags and checked out of the hotel and were heading for the railway station. Paris next stop.
And so it was. We went to Paris on the night sleeper and arrived there on a sparkling June morning. We got rooms at the Ritz. “Wherever you are,” my father used to say, “when in doubt, stay at the Ritz.” Wise words. Yasmin came into my room to discuss strategy over an early lunch—a cold lobster for each of us and a bottle of Chablis. I had the list of priority candidates in front of me on the table.