Totally… flipping… screwed.
I broke away from Hawk and declared, “I think I’ll take that cosmo now.”
Dad chuckled, moved toward the fridge and stated, “Don’t think so honey, you have to work later.” He kept moving but looked over his shoulder at Hawk. “Another beer?”
Another? Beer?
How long had he been there and since when did muscular, body-like-a-temple hot guys drink beer?
“Yeah,” Hawk replied and I looked up at him.
“You drink beer?”
He looked down at me. “Yeah,” he repeated.
“Won’t that give you a gut?” I asked.
“Life’s short, babe, you gotta live it every once in awhile and you don’t drink water with homemade lasagna and garlic bread.”
Well, his mother was half-Italian; he would know.
I decided to ignore Hawk so I turned to the kitchen. “I’ll help get the food.”
“Thanks, sweetie,” Meredith mumbled, placing the lasagna on a curly, wrought iron hot plate in the middle of the table.
Dad got me a diet grape, himself and Hawk a fresh beer, replenished Meredith’s red wine and Meredith and I loaded up the table with fresh, hot garlic bread, a huge salad and every bottle of salad dressing known to man. Then everyone passed the food around and loaded up their plates while commenting on how good the food looked and smelled (or at least Dad and I did this, Hawk just loaded up his plate).
I was mentally preparing for the Ginger discussion by shoveling lasagna in my mouth when Meredith asked, “So, how did you two meet?”
I choked on hot lasagna and my eyes flew across the table to Hawk.
Hawk’s dimples popped out.
I frantically chewed in hopes I could speak before Hawk said something that might make my head explode or worse, my parents’ and as I did this Hawk’s brows went up in a clear challenge.
Meredith spoke into the void. “Was it romantic? I bet it was romantic.”
Meredith would bet that. Except for Ginger coloring her world gray every once in a while, Meredith’s world was rose-hued. This had a lot to do with Meredith being Meredith, rarely having a bad day and always looking on the bright side of life.
This also had a lot to do with the fact that Meredith was and always would be head over heels in love with my father. She’d met the man of her dreams and she knew it the instant she saw him. That was why she fainted about two seconds later. And her fainting was why Dad caught her. She woke up cradled in his arms, her ass in his lap while he gently stroked her hair out of her face and looked down at her like a prince would gaze upon his newly revived princess.
I knew this because I was there when it happened, it made my toes curl then and, anytime I recalled it, it still made my toes curl. It was the most romantic thing I’d ever seen and we were in a fast food burger joint.
Hawk and my meeting was nothing like that.
But Meredith would want it to be that way, not for her, for me, and I loved her more than life so, when I swallowed, as stupid and embarrassing as it was going to be, I gave her what she wanted.
And what I gave her, incidentally, was also the truth.
With my eyes glued to her, my heart racing and my mind trying to pretend Hawk wasn’t there, I said, “When Tracy was working at Club, and screwing up the drinks all the time and breaking all the glasses, I was there one night because she needed moral support. I was drinking at the bar and suddenly I felt something strange, like I knew something big was about to happen. Then I looked at the door and I did it the minute Hawk walked in. I saw him and I knew what that big thing was because I thought right away, ‘That’s the man for me, that man is the perfect man for me. If I could choose any man in the world, it would be that man I would choose for me.’ Then I drank at the bar while Hawk ate dinner and I tried to get his attention and failed. So when he got ready to leave, it hurt because I didn’t want him to leave without him leaving with me. But he didn’t leave without me. He came up, put his hand on my back and talked to me. And when I felt his hand at my back and turned to see him standing close, I felt like every wish I’d ever wished was granted.” Meredith was staring at me, lips parted, eyes bright and I finished, “So that’s how we met.”
Meredith’s eyes were bright because they were filling with tears, she kept staring at me then she sucked in breath, she looked down the table at Dad then back at me.
“That’s sweet,” she whispered.
Dad cleared his throat.
I looked down at my plate and forked into my salad. I tried, I really did, to keep my eyes to my plate but even though I managed to keep my head bowed, my eyes lifted and I glanced at Hawk.
The minute I did, my eyes dropped back to my plate but my breath came out of me in a whoosh and the look on his face, even catching only a glimpse of it, was burned on my brain in a way I knew the scar of that burn would live there forever.
This was because when I looked at him Hawk didn’t look like Hawk or not the man I was growing to learn was Hawk.
Hawk looked like the Hawk of my daydreams. His face was gentle but his eyes were intense, heated and I felt them burning into me even then as I shoved salad into my mouth and looked anywhere but him.
“So… um… Hawk,” Dad said into the silence, “did you see any action when you served?”
I heard Hawk’s deep voice answer but I had decided to concentrate on shoveling food in my mouth, chewing and swallowing without getting tomato sauce on my tee, lettuce stuck in my teeth or strangling on an unchewed bite of garlic bread so, even though I wanted to know Hawk’s answer, I didn’t listen.
As if sensing my mood, Meredith quietly engaged me in conversation about the books I was editing while Dad and Hawk bonded over Army stories. Lucky for me, this took us to the end of dinner, which didn’t last long and also didn’t include me explaining things about Ginger.
Meredith was apologizing for not having made any dessert when we all stood and Hawk announced dinner tasted great but he had “shit to do”.
Then his eyes cut to me. “Babe, walk me to my car.”
I didn’t know if this was an order or a request and I really, really wanted to run to a closet and barricade myself in it because after I told that story, I really, really didn’t want to be alone with Hawk. But I couldn’t do that with Dad and Meredith watching so I nodded.
Farewells, thank yous and come agains were called as Hawk and I moved to the door. Then we were through it. Then the door closed firmly behind us, the latch making a definitive noise, Dad’s way of giving Hawk privacy, telling him he and Meredith were going to let Hawk and me walk to the car without spectators when I knew Dad and Meredith were so going to watch through the curtains (or at least Meredith was). But at this point I didn’t care. At this point I felt so self-conscious it was a burn emanating from deep inside me as another burn, the one in my brain, the one that carried that look I saw on his face, made its presence felt.
Therefore, I had no reaction when Hawk took my hand and walked me down my parents’ walk to his Camaro and I had no reaction when he used my hand to position me with my back to his car and I also had no reaction when he pinned me in with his big body and his hands settled on either side of my neck. I didn’t even have a reaction when his thumbs put gentle pressure on the undersides of my jaw and forced me to look up at him.
In the cold, February dark of a Colorado evening, I saw his black eyes lit by streetlamps and finally had a reaction. And that reaction was to instigate avoidance tactics without delay. And the avoidance tactics I decided on were picking a fight.