MYTH-CHIEF
ROBERT ASPRIN and JODY LYNN NYE
ONE
"You can't go home again."
'"I still think this is a bad idea," my attractive administrative assistant said, as I reached for the door of the tent.
"You keep saying that, Bunny," I said, pitching my voice low so all the shoppers and merchants passing by us in the streets of the Bazaar at Deva didn't hear me. "We're just saying 'Hi' to the old gang. They'd expect us to. If anything, they'd be hurt if we didn't."
"Uh-huh. You keep saying that." She gave a toss of her short red hair.
I gave up. I didn't know enough women to make sweeping generalities, but I knew Bunny, and once she had her mind set on something, it was next to impossible to talk her out of it. Besides, we had reached our destination.
Standing outside the narrow tent that was the headquarters of M.Y.T.H., Inc., I paused for a moment to let the memories wash over me before ducking into the short entryway. This had been my home for years, my office and base of operations as the Great Skeeve before I retired. Much of my adult life had been tied to this deceptively small abode. It was a lot bigger on the inside than it was on the outside, to quote everyone who had ever stepped inside to do business.
I started to reach for the tent flap that separated the office from the outside world, but hesitated. This wasn't my home anymore. It didn't seem right just to barge in. Instead, I turned and gave the small gong hanging on the entry way wall a light tap.
"C'mon in," a familiar voice called from within.
I felt more than saw Bunny's wince at the greeting. Back when she ran the office, she insisted that formal decorum be maintained on the premises, particularly in front of prospective clients. Obviously, things had loosened up a bit since our departure. They would probably change back again now.
I pushed my way into the interior.
"It's a raid!" I said, by way of greeting.
A massive mountain of a man rose from behind the reception desk.
"Skeeve!" he roared. "Hey, Nunzio! It's the Boss!"
"Hi, Guido," I said with genuine pleasure. "How's it going?"
Ignoring my outstretched hand, he swept me into a close embrace and thumped my back.
"Gee, it's good to see you," he declared. He held me out at arm's length and gave me a good once-over. I was pretty sure I hadn't changed much on the outside, being a tallish, skinnyish Klahd with blond hair, but the inner changes were there. I hoped my friends would appreciate them. "Look who's here, Cuz."
His cousin Nunzio, a smaller and slighter version of Guido, joined our ranks and started to duplicate Guido's greeting. I fended him off with one hand.
"I'm glad to see you, Nunzio," I said, "but I can only survive one of those bear-hug greetings a day."
Bunny stepped forward with her arms outstretched.
"I'll take that hug if he doesn't want it," she said. "You got it," Nunzio said in his squeaky little voice as he lifted her into the air. Bunny squealed with delight. "Is Aahz around?" I said.
"No. He's over on Perv visiting the Duchess," Guido said.
"The Duchess?" I said. The Duchess was Aahz's mother. I had met her on my last and only trip to Perv. I had never heard her use her real name, if she had one. "Is anything wrong?"
"I don't know," Guido said. "He didn't say, and I didn't ask. He should be back in a week or so."
"I say, Skeeve! Bloody good to see you again."
"Hi, Chumley," I said to the Troll who had emerged from the farther depths of the office.
As I've mentioned, the headquarters is bigger on the inside than it appears from the outside. A lot bigger. The enormous purple Troll began by extending a hand, in his reticent fashion, but he, too, ended up smashing me in a hug that left me gasping and coughing out strands of purple fur.
"Glad to see you, too," I choked. "Is Tananda around?" "Right here, Handsome."
I was hit by an energetic bundle of curves and softness that wrapped itself around me and showered me with kisses. This time I didn't protest. Some overdone greetings are more welcome than others.
Eventually, we got everything sorted out, and the gang settled into various chairs and sofas or perched on desks. Guido insisted on pulling out the most comfortable arm-chairs into place for me. I ceded the seat to Bunny and took a wooden-backed chair upholstered with basilisk-leather cushions.
"So how long are you going to be here at the Bazaar?" Guido said. "Do you have time for a meal, or shall we just get straight to the drinkin'?"
"I'm back to stay," I said. "I've given it a lot of thought and have decided to come out of retirement."
I really don't know what response I was expecting, but what I got wasn't it. There was a long moment of silence while the crew exchanged glances.
"That's great, Skeeve," Guido said at last, but his earlier enthusiasm had left his voice.
"I say, what?" Chumley said. "Happy to hear it, but you know, what'?"
"You know, Skeeve, we've changed the operation since the old days," Tananda said, carefully. I held up my hand.
"Hang on, everybody," I said. "Before things get too awkward, I'm not expecting to walk back in here and take over. In fact, I'm planning on opening my own business. Just a small problem-solving advisory office. Nothing big or fancy. I just wanted to stop in and say 'Hi' and let you know I'm back."
More awkward silence.
"That's swell, Boss... I mean, Skeeve," Nunzio said, his high voice squeakier than ever. "Be sure to let us know if there's anything we can do to help out."
"Thanks, Nunzio," I said, lamely.
"Speaking of which," Bunny said, rising to her feet, "we've got to get going. We've got to find some space for our office and lodgings."
"That's right," I said, even though I knew as well as she did that we had made no such plans.
I managed to keep smiling as we said our goodbyes, trying desperately not to notice the difference in warmth between our welcome and our farewell.
"Well, that was pleasant," I said to myself, as we made our way through the aisles of tents and stalls that made up the Bazaar.
"Actually, it was about what I expected," Bunny said, falling in step beside me. "If anything, it went better than I was afraid it would."
"Really?" I said dryly. "I thought it got a bit chilly in there."
"Let's try this from a different angle," Bunny said, reasonably. "What did you expect would happen when we dropped in?"
"I don't know," I said. "I thought they would be happy to see me ..."
"Which they were," Bunny said.
"And I expected them to be glad I was coming out of retirement—"
"Why?" Bunny interrupted.
"Why?" I echoed. "Why shouldn't they be glad? They're my friends, and I'm starting a new business."
"Which is potentially in competition with their own operation," Bunny said.
I stopped in my tracks and stared at her.
"What?" I managed at last.
She gave a deep sigh without looking at me.
"Remember when I asked you why you wanted to set up business at the Bazaar?"
"Sure," I said. "And I told you that it was because the Bazaar was where I was best known and had already established contacts."
"Uh-huh," Bunny said. "Think about that for a moment."
I did and came up blank.
"I don't get it," I said. "It still makes good sense to me."
"Oh. Skeeve," Bunny said, shaking her head. "Here at the Bazaar, everyone does know about the Great Skeeve. When you retired, you were the hottest act in the dimension. Of course people are going to come to you when you open your own business."
"Isn't that the whole idea?" I said, genuinely puzzled.
"Of course, that's the same pool of clients that are currently going to M.Y.T.H., Inc., isn't it?"