"Well, hurray for the old boy," I said. "How's this involve us?"
"When Calypso did not emerge from the castle as the others had, a huge group of us went and demanded to have him set free. I stood before the doors, begging Barrik to deliver my grandfather. The next thing I knew, I was in a room before a stone throne. The creature that sat upon it — too horrible to behold!"
I glanced at Tananda. "By the description he's a Dile," she said. "Green scales, long teeth."
"What's wrong with green scales and long teeth?" I demanded.
"Not everyone likes the overlapping shingle look, Aahz," Tanda said, patiently. "Now, I kind of like it, but you know what Troll men look like, so I'm not your most unbiased judge."
"Fine," I snarled. "Get past chapters twelve to forty-eight already. I want the upshot, now!"
Calypsa glared right back at me. "He told me the old man would die for the insult he had given him. I swore to do anything he wished, if only he would free my grandfather. I even promised to do the Dance of Lust for him, but he refused." Her eyes flashed again. "He said the only way I can regain my grandfather's life is to procure a great treasure for him. I must subdue and bring him all the members of the Golden Hoard. He has given me but thirty days to complete the task. Already ten of them have elapsed."
I shook my head. "Guy's a regular Wizard of Oz," I said. The girl looked at me blankly. "Forget it. Before your time."
"With the great crystal I have two of the treasures," the girl went on. "You would not consider helping me by giving me the sword, would you?"
"Au contraire," I snapped back. "I heard a prophecy that says that the Hoard should not be gathered together under any circumstances. Disaster will fall, and all the hokey words."
"But I must save my grandfather! The great Calypso must dance free!"
I looked at Tanda.
"Seems to me the best way is just to break the old man out of the shiny black castle on the hill," I said, reasonably.
"Impossible," Tananda said. "I've been over the place myself. This man takes his Evil-Overlording seriously. There isn't a weak spot anywhere where I could break in and make it all the way to the dungeons without being caught. His guards never sleep, and they're made of stone. Half of them are Gargoyles, half are Diles, and they don't like each other."
I moved on to the next practical consideration. "What about taking out the Dile himself? Remove the head and the body usually collapses."
"Never goes out without heavy-duty magikal shields and about a dozen guards. He's better protected than the next Wizard School novel."
"Hmm." Tananda knew her stuff. Second-story work was a sideline for her. She had been one of M.Y.T.H., Inc's greatest assets with her experience, brains and charm, but she had another sideline: assassination. If she couldn't close with a target, that was serious.
Tananda tried reason. "Perhaps we can work together."
"We are at cross-purposes here, Tanda. Ersatz doesn't want to be collected. All he wants is to have a conversation with Kelsa and we're out of here. I don't have any interest but getting my investment back. I'm on vacation. I'm sorry, kid," I told Calypsa. "Good luck, but you're going to be at least one gadget shy."
"No!" Calypsa protested. Before I could move, she had swooped down and seized Ersatz from where he lay on the table.
I made a grab for her, but she zipped out of reach again.
"How'd she do that?" I sputtered, staring at my empty hands. "I couldn't follow her on a broomstick!"
"The Dance of Speed," Tananda said, amused. "Her family's famous for it."
"Whew! I have never seen a dance that was practical for anything but seduction before."
"Well, get used to it," Tananda said. "She's got a bundle of them. You should have seen her up on that roof. I'm an old hand at second-story work, but that Dance of Balance of hers had her tippy-toeing along the eaves like an Orion."
I eyed the girl, and she eyed me back. Fancy footwork was one thing, but low-down cunning was another. She didn't have any of that. If she was hanging on to Ersatz, she couldn't have Kelsa in her immediate possession.
"Kelsa!" I shouted. "Where are you? Ersatz needs to talk to you!" My voice echoed off the rafters. Everyone in the room turned to stare.
No answering voice replied, but I noticed that the dimness was beginning to lighten. Within moments a golden glow lit the cobwebbed space under the stairs. I could see what looked like a clump of undistinguished rags become incandescent, then blinding.
I grinned at the girls. "Can't talk, but there are other ways of communicating." I got up to retrieve the crystal.
Before I took two steps, Calypsa was in front of me, her narrow chest heaving, one feathered hand held over her head in a flourish. "You shall not pass."
"Don't try me, kid," I said. I stepped around her. She appeared in front of me in the proverbial twinkling, but I was never one to hold with proverbs.
She was fast. But she was light. I picked her up by the elbows and moved her out of my way. She eeled in front of me again. I moved her. I heard a titter of laughter from the rest of the room. I gave the onlookers a snarl. By the time I turned back, Calypsa was halfway up the stairs, the glowing bundle in her arms with Ersatz balanced across it.
"You shall not trick me again, Pervert."
I fumed. Tananda chuckled.
"Give it back to him, Cally," she said to the young woman, who clutched the sword to her breast like the heroine in a bad novel. Tananda couldn't stop grinning. I snarled. "We want his cooperation. Aahz could be your best friend, but taking his toys away from him just makes him bad-tempered."
Eying me distrustfully, Calypsa stepped daintily down the stairs. I snatched Ersatz from her hand and slipped him halfway out of the sheath.
"You all right in there?"
"Si," he replied.
"All right," I said, smacking the hilt home against the worn leather. "I'm walking out of here right now. Good luck, kid. I mean that. No hard feelings," I told Tananda. "I'll figure out some other way of getting paid back."
"Look, Aahz," the Trollop said, winding herself around me in the way of a very old friend and whispering in my ear. "We both have something the other wants. What'll it take to make a deal here?"
"There isn't room for compromise," I said. "You want Ersatz. He's a free agent here. He doesn't want to be collected."
"But we have something you want: information from Kelsa. Couldn't you…come along with us for a while, in exchange for that information? Maybe Barrik will be satisfied having all the Golden Hoard assembled in one place for a moment. Then you and he can go off again."
I eyed her. "You're not going to tell me you believe he will trade the old man for a collection of legendary junk, do you?"
"Friend Aahz!" Ersatz burst out.
"No offense meant," I said smoothly. "Come on, Tanda. You weren't born yesterday."
"Certainly not," Tanda said, tossing back her head full of wavy green hair. "I'd use it as a ploy to get into the castle. I think it will be a lot easier to get a shot at him and save Calypsa's grandfather if we show up carrying what he wants."
"Nay," protested a muffled voice. I pulled Ersatz free. The sharp, dark eyes reflected in the shining blade were alarmed. "Nay, good Aahz. It would be a fearsome thing to assemble the Hoard. Why do you think it has not been done in all these centuries?"
"I'm with him," I said. "I don't invite disaster without a reason."
"Then why did Kelsa say they would be reunited?" Tanda asked, reasonably. "I could hear everything hanging upside down from the window-frame. A green hand — that could be either you or me."