"Hmph! I notice that you're dipping into fashion yourself at the moment," Asti said, a superior look on her bowl. "A new scabbard. I suppose you want jade plates carved with the tales of your exploits sewn to it."
"I had already sworn my allegiance to this child and her companions," Ersatz countered. "I had no idea that they would neglect me and my offer of service in their haste to pander to you."
"It's only because she threatened to drown them in bad wine," Kelsa pointed out, cheerfully. "That upchucking trick's always been one of her favorites. Why, I was looking in once when she washed away an entire garrison..."
"You're no better, blinding people or misleading them," Asti said, the line of her mouth drawn into a sneer. "I'm surprised you haven't already asked for a multi-sided box lined with mirrors so you can watch yourself from all angles."
"Why, what a lovely idea!" Kelsa said, beaming. "Although I was very much taken with Aahz's suggestion of a bowling
bag. Very compact and cosy. I don't need mirrors to see myself, dear. Besides, if I rolled into one and broke it, I'd probably end up like you, seven years bad luck—or seven hundred. Wasn't that when you first got banged up?"
"Will you stop harping on that?" Asti asked. "Do you think I like looking like this? It throws off my flow."
"Yes, I saw how you got that big thumbprint in your stem. But who knew that curing that Troll of Gnrshkt poison was going to bring his strength back all at once? Well, I did, but I wasn't there. I wish you could have heard me. I was shouting my head off, telling him to let go. Of course, I was ten dimensions away at the time. It was quite a shock to the Kobold I was working for. He nearly forgot to invent the magikal superconductor!"
"That cursed Troll only made it worse when he tried to fix it," Asti said, aggrievedly. "I thought every jewel was going to pop out of its socket."
"Take your dents as hallmarks of your experience," Ersatz said.
"Oh, I suppose you let little nicks in your blade go by, do you?"
"Nicks interfere with my function. I don't see that dents prevented you from causing an unnecessary flood of wine in that forest!"
"Now, now, what do mere appearances have to do with your eternal quest to aid and assist those in danger?" Kelsa asked.
Both of the others rounded on her, united in a common enemy.
"Be quiet!"
"I was only pointing out the obvious!"
"That's all you can do, isn't it? Nothing useful, like cure poison," said Asti.
"Or slay enemies," added Ersatz.
"That's not all there is in life," Kelsa said, imperturbably. That provoked the other two into another tirade.
"They hate each other!" Calypsa wailed. "They will never cooperate, and my grandfather's life will be forfeit!"
"It's worse than that," Tananda said, leaning close to me. "They're causing a buildup of force, right here in the restaurant."
"They're what?" I asked.
"You can almost see it," she said. "I'm not much of a magician, but even I can feel an influx that large. In a minute, there's going to be an explosion if they don't stop drawing in power!"
I put my hands on the tabletop' it was starting to vibrate. Tanda was right. If the Hoard was the source of the disturbance, we were in trouble.
"All right," I said. I turned to the three artifacts, who were bringing up each other's shortcomings dating back at least a thousand years.
"And you predicted that those Imps would create a device so powerful that it would destroy a world!"
"I was right! Three-card monte was the cause of the first decline of the Zoorik economy!"
"What about your poisoning the Gnome Princess on her wedding night?"
"It wasn't poison, you idiot! It was a nerve tonic. So she drank too much. So she fell asleep for three years. What about you...?"
The table-shaking was achieving the proportions of a fraudulent seance. I slammed my hand in between them.
"All right. ALL RIGHT! SHUT UP! KNOCK IT OFF!"
The rafters rang, but it got their attention. The vibration slowed. It didn't cease.
"Why the shouting, friend Aahz?" Ersatz asked mildly. Evidently his beef with me was forgotten.
"Take a look at the atmosphere around us. Magik is piling up in here like dung in a stockyard, and you three have to be the cause. This place can't take it. Can you let the magik out without blowing up the inn?"
Kelsa closed her eyes behind the diamante spectacles. Her face disappeared for a moment, and was replaced by the image of a horrifying explosion that sent a curling fireball into the sky. "Good heavens, this isn't like me!"
"I warned you, Aah2," Ersatz said. "You asked why the Golden Hoard never assembles in any one place for long."
"We'd better get out of here," I said, rising hastily.
"Too late," said Tananda.
She was right. Rumbling began throughout the tent. The ground shook. The pillars holding up the roof started to sway. Around us, the diners held onto their tables. Suddenly, milkshakes began to fountain upward. I got hit by a cold shower of sticky brown liquid. Calypsa disappeared in a hail of fried potatoes. I grabbed a handful of paper towels and sponged cola out of my eyes.
"If you're doing that, stop it," I ordered Asti.
"Good heavens, why do you think it's me?" she asked, innocently. A blob of strawberry milkshake came down with a splat! and landed in her bowl. "Say, that's good! Will your friend give me the recipe?"
I ignored her. The other patrons were regarding us with distrust and concern. One Deveel had thrown himself across his tray to prevent his food from taking off. Sandwiches flew around the room like Frisbees.
"We're going to have to take the food to go, Gus," I called. "Magikal emergency. You know."
"Sure do, Aahz," he said. He turned to load the paper-wrapped food into a white paper sack. I slipped some money over the counter and hoisted the bag into my free arm. "Always good to see you guys."
"Same here," I assured him, hustling the others out the door.
"Where are we going?" Asti asked. "We haven't picked up my case yet."
"We'd better get out of Deva," I said. "I have no intention of paying for damages the Deveels dream up if you three cause
an explosion in one of the tents." The reason that insurance never caught on here is that the Deveels started to plan fires and disasters to consume unwanted or unsold merchandise and collect substantial loss reimbursement. It would take a master magician or a master strategist to figure out what had actually been in the tents at the time of the catastrophe.
"What about my case?"
"And my scabbard?"
"And my.. .whatever I'm going to be dressed in?" Kelsa asked.
"Forget about them. We have to get out of here." I was ticked off because my lunch was going to be delayed by three pieces of ancient bric-a-brac who didn't know how to control themselves in public.
Calypsa laid a feathered hand on my arm and opened large dark eyes at me. "We must keep our promises to them, dear Aahz."
"Look around you, sweetheart," I snarled. "This may look like friendly territory, but if the rumor gets out that we're carrying three members of the Hoard around, we're going to run into trouble. None of us has the firepower to deal with a thousand Deveel merchants all wanting to get a piece of us. Come on."
"Oh, no, not back into the rag bag again!" Asti wailed. "I'll have revenge on you...murfle murfle Perfle."
I wound the bag shut and turned to Tanda. "The tent's bespelled against magikal firepower. Let's duck in there. We can figure out where we're going after that."
Chapter 9