I gestured at him with my glass, and realized it was full again. So much for my resolve. I also realized the pitcher was almost empty.
"That's a rough one, Skeeve," the Djin was saying, and I tried to focus on his words. "I think everybody has to reach their own answer, though it's a rare person who even thinks to ask the question. I will say it's an over-simplification to try to equate caring about someone with weakness, just as I think it's wrong to assume that if we can learn from our friends, they're actually controlling our thinking." He stopped and stared at my hand. I followed his gaze and realized I was trying to fill my empty glass from an empty pitcher.
"I also think," he sighed, "that we should definitely head back to the hotel now. Have you paid the tab? Are we square here?"
"Thass another thing," I said, fighting to get the words out past my tongue, which suddenly seemed to have a mind of its own. "What he said about money. I haven't been using my money right."
"For cryin' out loud, Skeeve! Lower your voice!"
"No, really! I've got all thissh money..." I fumbled my moneybelt out and emptied the gold onto the table.
"... And has it made ME happy? Has it made ANY BODY happy?"
When no answer came, I blinked my eyes, trying to get Kalvin back into focus. When he finally spoke, he seemed to be very tense, though his voice was very quiet. "I think you may have just made someone happy, but I don't think it'll be you."
That's when I noticed the whole bar was silent. Looking around, I was surprised to see how many people had come in while we were talking. It was an ugly-looking crowd, but no one seemed to be talking to each other or doing anything. They just stood there looking at me... or to be more exact, looking at the table covered with my money.
Chapter Twelve:
"HOLY BATSHIT, FATMAN! I mean..."
—ROBIN
"I... THINK I'VE made a tactic... tad... an error," I whispered with as much dignity as I could muster.
"You can say that again," Kalvin shot back mercilessly. "You forgot the first rule of survivaclass="underline" Don't tease the animals. Look, Skeeve, do you want to get out of here, or do you want to get out with your money?"
"Want... my money." I wasn't that drunk... or maybe I was.
The Djin rolled his eyes in exasperation.
"I was afraid of that. That's going to be a little rougher. Okay, the first thing you do is get that gold out of sight. I don't think they'll try anything in here. There are too many witnesses, which means too many ways to split the loot." I obediently began to pick up the coins. My hands seemed to lack the dexterity necessary to lead them back into my moneybelt, so I settled for shoving them into my pockets as best I could.
The bar was no longer silent. There was a low murmur going around that sounded ominous even in my condition as various knots of patrons put their heads together. Even without the dark looks they kept shooting in my direction it wasn't hard to guess what the subject of their conversation was.
"The way I see it, if there's going to be trouble, it will hit when we leave. That means the trick is to leave without their knowing it. Order another pitcher." That's when I realized how much I'd already had to drink.
For a moment there, I thought the Djin had said...
"You want me to..."
"... Order another pitcher, but whatever you do, don't drink any of it."
That made even less sense, but I followed his instructions and gestured at the bartender who delivered another pitcher with impressive speed.
I paid him from my pocket.
-"I don't get it," I said. "Why should I order a pitcher when you say I shouldn't..."
"Shut up and listen," Kalvin hissed. "That was so every body watching you will think you're planning to stick around for a while. In the meantime, we move." That made even less sense than having some more to drink.
"But, Kalvin... most of them are between us and the door! They'll see me..."
"Not out the front door, stupid! You see that little hallway in back? That leads to the restrooms. There's also an exit back there which probably opens into an alley. That's the route we' re taking."
"How do you know there's an exit back there?" I said suspiciously.
"Because one of the things I do when I come into a new bar is count the exits," the Djin retorted. "It's a habit I suggest you develop if you're going to keep drinking."
"Don't want any more to drink," I managed, my stomach suddenly rebelling at the thought.
"Good boy. Easy now. Nice and casual. Head for the restrooms."
I took a deep breath in a vain effort to clear my head, then stood up... or at least I tried to. Somewhere in the process, my foot got tangled in my chair and I nearly lost my balance. I managed not to fall, but the chair went over on its side noisily, drawing more than a few snickers from the roughnecks at the bar.
"That's all right," Kalvin soothed, his voice seeming to come from a great distance. "Now just head down the hallway."
I seemed to be very tall all of a sudden. Moving very carefully, I drew a bead on the opening to the hallway and headed in. I made it without touching the walls on either side and felt a small surge of confidence. Maybe this scheme of Kalvin's would work after all! As he had said, there was an exit door in the wall just short of the restrooms. Without being told, I changed course and pushed out into the alley, easing the door shut behind me. I was out!
"Oops."
I frowned at the Djin.
"What do you mean, ‘Oops!'? Didn't you say I should..."
"Nice of you to drop by, mister!"
That last was said by a burly Pervect, one of six actually who were blocking our path down the alley. Apparently our little act hadn't fooled everybody.
"Skeeve, I..."
"Never mind, Kalvin. I just figured out for myself what ‘Oops' means."
"Of course, you know this here's what you'd call a toll alley. You got to pay to use it."
That was the same individual talking. If he noticed me talking to Kalvin, which to him would look like talking to thin air, he didn't seem to mind or care.
"That's right," one of his cronies chimed in. "We figure what you got in your pockets ought to just about cover it."
"Quick! Back inside!" Kalvin hissed.
"Way ahead of you," I murmured, feeling behind myself for the door.
I found it... sort of. The door was there, but there was no handle on this side. Apparently the bar owners wanted it used for exits only. Terrific.
"... The only question is: Are you gonna give it to us quietly, or are we gonna have to take it?" I've faced lynch mobs, soldiers, and sports fans before, but a half-dozen Pervish plug-uglies was the most frightening force I've ever been confronted with. I decided, all by my self, that this would be an excellent time to delegate a problem.
"C'mon, Kalvin! Do something!
"Like what? I told you I'm no good in a fight."
"Well, do SOMETHING! You're supposed to be the Djin!"
I guess I knew deep inside that carping at Kalvin wouldn't help matters. To my surprise, however, he responded. "Oh, all right!" he grimaced. "Maybe this will help."
With that, he made a few passes with his hands and...
. , . And I was sober! Stone-cold sober!
I looked at him.
"That's all I can do for you," he shrugged. "From here, you're on your own. At least now you won't have to fight ‘em drunk."