He picked up one of the sheets, holding it by his fingertips as if it were extremely fragile or precious. "You see, just as I promised, we've run a check on you through some of the other dimensions."
My confidence sank right along with my heart... deep into the pit of my stomach.
"For the record," the captain was saying, "you are Skeeve, sometimes known as ‘the Great Skeeve'... originally from Klah with offices on Deva?"
"That's right."
"Now it seems you were somehow involved in a war a while back ,...omewhere around Possiltum?"
There was nothing for me to duck there. "I was at that time employed as Court Magician of Possiltum. Helping to stop an invading army was simply a part of my duties."
"Really? I also have a report from Jahk that says you were part of a group that stole the Trophy from the Great Game. Was that part of your duties, too?"
"We won that fair and square in a challenge match," I flared. "The Jahks agreed to it in advance... and darn near beat our brains out before we won."
"... Which you did with much the same team as you used to stop the aforementioned invading army," the captain commented dryly.
"They're friends of mine," I protested. "We work together from time to time, and help each other out when one of us gets in a jam."
"Uh-huh. Would you describe your relationship with the Mob the same way? You know, friends who work together and help each other out of jams from time to time?"
Whoops! There it was. Well, now that the subject was on the table, it was probably best to deal with it openly and honestly.
"That's different," I dodged.
"I'll say it is!" the captain snarled. "In fact, I don't think different begins to describe it! In all my years on the force I've never heard of anything like it!" He scooped up a handful of paper and held it up dramatically.
"From Klah, we have conflicting reports. One source says that you were instrumental in keeping the Mob from moving in on Possiltum. Another has you down as being a sub-chieftan in the Mob itself!"
He grabbed another handful.
"That's particularly interesting, seeing as how Deva reports that you stopped the Mob from moving into that dimension. What's more, you're being paid a fat retainer to maintain the defenses against the Mob, even though it seems that much of that retainer is going toward paying off your staff... which includes two bodyguards from the Mob and the niece of the current head of the Mob! All of which, of course, has nothing to do with the fact that you own and operate a combination hotel and casino and are known to associate with gamblers and assassins. Just what kind of game are you playing, MISTER Skeeve? I'm dying to hear just how you define ‘different!' "
I considered trying my best to explain the rather tangled set of relationships and circumstances that define my life just now. Then I considered saving my breath.
"First, let me cheek something here. Captain. Does your jurisdiction extend to other dimensions? To put it another way, is it any of your business what I do or don't do away from Perv, or did you just pull me in here to satisfy your curiosity?"
Pursing his lips, the Pervect set the papers he was holding back on the table and squared them very carefully. "Oh, I'm very' curious about you. Mister Skeeve," he said softly, "But that's not the reason I sent for you."
"Well then, can we get down to what the problem really is? As much as I'd like to entertain you with my life story, there are other rather pressing demands on my time." The policeman stared at me stonily.
"All right. We'll stick to cases. Do you know a street vendor named J.R.?"
The sudden change of subject threw me off-stride. "J.R.? Sure I know him. Don't you remember? The last time I was here he was sitting..."
"How would you describe your relationship with the individual in question?" the captain interrupted.
"I guess you'd say we're friends," I shrugged. "I've been chatting with him off and on since I arrived on Perv, and, as you know, he helped me out that time I got into a fight."
"Anything else?"
"No... except we're going into business together. That is, I've put up the money for a venture of his." The captain seemed taken aback.
"You mean you admit it?" he said.
A little alarm started to ring in the back of my head. "Sure. I mean, what's so unusual about a businessman investing in a new enterprise?"
"Wait a minute. What kind of an enterprise did you think you were buying into?"
"He said he was going to open a retail storefront," I said uneasily. "But he did say something about supplying the other street vendors for a while to build up his operating capital. Exactly what he was supplying I was never really sure."
"You weren't sure?"
"Well, the truth is I was in a hurry and forgot to ask. Why? What was he..."
"We just picked him up for smuggling! It seems your buddy and business partner was using your funds to buy and sell contraband!"
Needless to say, the news upset me. It had occurred to me that, in his enthusiasm, J.R. would go outside the law for the sake of quick profits.
"How serious is it. Captain? Can I post bail for him... or arrange for a lawyer?"
"Don't worry about him," the Pervect advised. "It turns out he has some information on the ax murderer we've been looking for and is willing to share it with us if we drop the smuggling charges. No, you should be more worried about yourself."
"ME?"
"That's right. You've admitted you're his partner in this, which makes you just as guilty as he is."
"But I didn't know what he was going to do! Honest!" Now I was worried. The whole thing was absurd, but I was starting to think I should have insisted on having a lawyer after all.
"That's what you say," the captain said grimly. "Would you like to see what he was smuggling?" He gestured at one of the other policemen in the room who held up several plastic bags with small items in them. I recognized them at a glance, a fact which did nothing for my peace of mind.
"Those are all products of the Acme Joke and Novelty Company," the captain intoned. "A company I believe you've worked with in the recent past?"
"A team of my employees did some work there on a pilferage case," I mumbled, not able to take my eyes off the items in the bags. "Are those things really illegal on Perv?"
"We have a lot of ordinances that try to keep the quality of life on Perv high. We haven't been able to stop porn, but we have managed to outlaw trashy, practical joke items like Rubber Doggie Doodle with Realistic Life-Like Aroma that Actually Sticks to Your Hand."
It seemed like a very minor achievement to me, considering the crime on the streets I had already been exposed to. I didn't think that it was wise to point this out just now, though.
"Okay, Captain, let me rephrase my question," I said, looking at the floor. "How much trouble am I in? I mean, what's really involved here... a fine, a jail term, what?" The Pervect was so silent I finally raised my head to meet his gaze directly. He was looking at me with a flat, appraising stare.
"No charges. I'm letting you go," he sighed, finally, shaking his head.
"But I thought..."
"I said it depended on how the questioning went! Well, I just can't believe you'd be stupid enough to get involved in this smuggling thing knowingly. If you had, you'd have protected yourself better than you did. What you did was dumb... but just dumb enough to ring true."